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I wouldnt say intelligence or knowledge comes with age, but strangely nowadays it appears that when I look back,(I dont even need to look that far back actually :/) I have indeed changed alot. This time it isnt just my state of mind that has changed, but my behavior as a whole. Perhaps my character too. And I'm not sure if im very satisfied with who I am now hmm.. That happy-go-lucky Dun is kinda no more I think?

I wonder what happened? Could it be that the breakup really did such a substantial damage that I can't really crawl back up? Did I like "gave it my all" so much so that I sacrificed a part of me that I didnt thought I could forsake? (My habits and the like), or could it be that my disdain for army really fucked me up that badly that I cant seem to see people as kind, giving, good people anymore until I've put them through trials and trials and trials till I'm satisfied? I refuse to believe that humans are bad, but it seems that as I grow older, I realize that indeed, life isnt a bed of roses (i wouldnt want a bed made out of that anyway) and those naive thoughts that I thought would work would never work once you try to look a little deeper and realize that you can't always simplify things.Some stuff just aren't meant to be oversimplified to the point where you just have to state your intentions and go in with your all. Are humans selfish? I guess for now I'd have to agree with that. Sad that it may be this was not the way I was brought up and I never wanted to believe it. But its getting clearer and clearer as the days go by. Maybe it's just the kind of people i'm exposed to, or maybe I've just been expecting too much from the start with how the world is supposed to be/work.

Its funny how when you're younger you think you know how the world is like. Well, theres this phrase called 百闻不如一见 in chinese uh, which roughly translate to "Hearing about it for a hundred times is nothing compared to seeing/experiencing it yourself". I guess thats true uh, with all those half-baked theories we've had in our lives as teenagers, we really thought we've got it all down. Bullshit.

Anyway on a lighter note I just managed to find our Arysad's number once more through facebook, haven't met everyone in like fucking ages, two years I suppose? Really miss those days where I would just sit around with the brothers 5(I'm only like close with 4 but whos counting.) and talk through the night, sharing ideas and lame jokes and not giving three hoots about anything else in life except for the company. Never really took a picture with them though sadly. But now that I've gotten their numbers perhaps its time to hang out with some old timers for awhile!

Sometimes I really wish I can consult my younger self for advice, as I grow older I seem to get more and more scared of everything. Call me a pussy but yeah. Really, courage is really dimishing from me as the hours pass. Maybe its because of all the failures I've been through up till today that I finally realized that I should stop lying to myself as I'm not really as awesome as I thought I am. 

Funny how they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger huh? Or those other lines about how failure will only make you stronger and stuffs. Doesnt really apply to me eh, the more I see and know the weaker I get. This is fucking ridiculous. Only thing I can do now is to excercise more, read up more textbooks, and prepare myself for the next hurdle ahead.

Is knowing when to back down a glorified version of giving up? Is there a difference? Someone enlighten me.

Jesus my father I am so sorry I've strayed so far apart from your love, but in my everyday life I am seeing less and less of you. People around me tell me that you're just something imagined, something illogicaland people with faith are just self-deceiving morons. And sometimes I think that I can feel you yet I am never really sure. What should I do? :( What's right and what's wrong? 

Oh gosh I'm seriously so glad not many people come here to read this bullshit. Jeez.

Anws I shall go friendster now and look at my really old photos wahaha!!

Just did that and realized my old account has been deleted. Hmm.. :/

Early book out on Chinese New Years week woo!!

So bored that I'm actually making a blogpost with my phone. Was just told to change into CV, gonna book out anytime now wahaha!! I wonder what I'll do today hmm.. Maybe Rowena will still be at log one and we can meet for a small lepak session? If not maybe ill just cab home with Glen then make an appointment with my artist to see if he'll do a touch up on my leg? Or hopefully liangyi will be free today so we can go jogging! Can't seem to find ppl to mahjong with me today though.. But still I wanna book out!!

Oh yeah can't believe I actually saw Rowena in camp today! Pleasant surprise sia! But didn't manage to take a photo cos I was afraid of being judged by my camp mates lol! Wasted shitz. Let's pray that somehow Glen's dad will miraculously appear today to send us home ba!!

I wanna improve on my vocab, but how? I don't wanna read a dictionary there has to be a better way sigh..

Only 319 days to go, let's go!!

Here I am once again

Wow, finally after a super long break I'm back in this stink hole again, on the plus side I'm only left with a less than a year to go! This is probably my first post about army or something I guess?

It really sucks to have your life plans put on hold, right now I just wanna quickly step into society yknow? Like hurry up and get a job and study as well, being a civilian was one of the happiest things that has ever happened to me man.. Sigh, it's hard to keep up a cheery mood when I realize that there's really nothing much there is to be done bout it. Like, how can I even go work properly yknow? And the allowance, although abundant compared to people of the past, just isn't enough to help me save up! Ah well, if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that freedom is really something many of us had taken granted for, well many not many of us but I definitely did yknow, until I had it stripped for an unjustifiable reason do I realize how precious it is. It's sad really, the existence of military, like humans can't trust each other enough to not resort to violence you know? But that's just how it is ah. The world ain't perfect. Only thing we can do is try to not contribute that much to it I guess? I guess I should be grateful that it is peacetime now though, like everyone can just rest comfortably on their beds when they're free and have a roof over their heads when it rains~

So not looking forward to going to India man.. This year really has fucked up schedules.. Even my mum doesn't want me to go. But is there even a choice given? Sigh.. This blog is back to poor ol adp posting sad stuffs again when there isn't anyone else around for me to rant to.. But seriously! Why the fuck am I being forced into doing something I don't want to? Fuck this it's not like I owed a huge debt or what! Sigh.. Maybe I'm too spoilt but seriously I can do so many things so much better for the world if I ain't in this shithole. Screw this shit!

RowRow! :D

Today's post is dedicated to a very unique, possibly aneroxic lady,

This was the last photo we took together about two years ago? Seeing that its 2014 now n stuff, sorry idk how to pose for photos nor do I know how to crop away the two gangsters on my right :/

Anws, seeing that my blog is full of sad stuff and philisophical shitz, I guess its time to "brighten" this place up with people that matter and make my days happier I guess!

You're really a very unique person you know that? You're like a dude trapped in a lady's body or something I swear! But I think I've told you that before already hmm.. The things you do, the jokes you crack, and the way you speak(rap) is really really cool/unique! Its easy to get comfortable around you ah really!

I'm known to have a rather bad memory for details but I remember you telling random jokes and random times which would make me and botak rofl or give you awkward looks all the time! So fun so fun~~ (what the fiak the curly thingie looks so grotesque here.) What were you thinking sia!

Oh oh! And I remember like once (or more than once) you joined us to go the toilet while we have our daily toilet breaks! Like bros would sit at their designated bowls and do their thang and have small talks, I remember once you were actually there with us! Somehow thats a really good memory or something for me. Weird.. But I guess its cos not many people in Singapore dare venture into the toilet of the opposite gender so nonchalently like you uh! People like you are hard to find really! You're a cool kid!

Rowena you got more balls than an average male your age I swear! And in this day and age thats a seriously good quality eh! Nu qiang ren!

Manly Girlz! I swear they look damn gross now that I look back HAHAHHA!!

Really glad to have met a person like you ah! You're seriously intriguing and fun to hang out with! Like its never boring yknow? Even if i was feeling like un-chatty n shit im sure you'll have your own stuff to bring to the table and make wherever you go fun! :D Funny how you'll choose to be my friend despite knowing im a disgusting, nonchalent psycho who likes to wrap his friends up in toilet paper and do public nuisance stuff haha! ;]

Lets travel the world with everyone else someday! I wanna go Japan! or Korea! I'm sure it'll be fun seeing maybe you and botak having a katana sword fight or something! So kewl~~

Remember this? hahaha!!!

Many people have many talents yknow? Like some people are good with sports, others are good with computers or studies or even stuff like money, if you had a talent it'd be you're really good with people! Like you make people feel good bout themselves around you yknow? Not in a comparison kinda way but in the sense that like people feel like they're really funny and cool around you! Which they probably are but will never be as cool as us ah!

Thinking back we've known each other for a good 3 years already ah! Wah! Time really flies when you don't realize it, sadly we dont hang out even half as much anymore given your commitments and my duties to serve my great Lion City :( But that's alright I guess? Like we can always meet up when we have the time ba? But rly, you and Adam go save up lots and lots of money while I find my Supermodel wife and when the day comes, lets go Japan and play some pachinkos and gouge ourselves with sushis n sashimis k?

So geek! AHAHAHAHAH!!!

If you did some digging in my blog you'll realize that I seldom bother to place pics on my posts, so ya gotta be honored alright? :D Anyway! After much digging! I finally managed to find the only photo we took together!!

 Holy moly my hair looks like some kinda balding dude..

Oh my god sweet baby jesus who's this good looking devil?

Haha wow blogging this was really fun! First post in 2014 yay!! Not bad ah Row not many people know that I blog yknow? Welcome to my "nei xin shi jie"! :D

To love and be loved, and to lose it all at the end of the day.

I touch my chest, I can feel my heart beating. I am alive.

What does it truly mean to be alive? Is it simply just having a beating heart? I have never felt this way before. Never felt such sadness before that I'd question the exi
stence of humans and stuff like this. My brain is so fried at this point that I'm not even sure what I'm typing is making sense anymore..

I feel hurt, it really really hurts. This kind of unprecedented pain is really tearing me apart inside, keeping me awake, forcing me to think about the things that could have been again and again and again.. Knowing the futility of the situation and that everything could very well be too late to make amends, after all. Affairs of the heart has always been sort of a "two-way" thing. I've read this in a book called "The Fault With Our Stars" recently. And inside there was a quote that goes something like "The thing about pain is that it demands to be felt." How fucking apt.

I miss you, I miss us. I miss loving and feeling loved and living each day happily with your presence. Till today it is still a miracle to me as to why such a lady like you would ever fall in love with a loser like me at that point of time. Your every action, every word, and every laugh you made the first time I saw you. Is still imprinted in my head like a tattoo. Maybe I fell in love with you right then. But I didn't know it yet. Subconsciously I have always told myself that I was never, and never will be good enough for you. But still the universe really did have a plan for us, for us to actually cross paths and become closer till one day we finally managed to call each other our own. That short period of a year and five months was sincerely the happiest days of my life. Everyday felt like a blessing from god. You were one of te greatest gifts I've ever received. And now you're gone. And every effort I'm making to win you back, to tell you that I'm a changed man and show you is falling on deaf ears. All I am now is an irritance to you.  It's bewildering isn't it? How someone who once loved you so much could just let go so easily and transition you into an irritance till now. I must have been one hell of a fucked up kid to let this happen.. It must have been my fault, because I know you love for me then was true and abundant, it's not like what others told me "Maybe she just never loved you that much". No, no. That cannot be the case. 

I must be thankful for the things I have. The things I still have. But I still really really want you back. What should I do? I need you. I really do.

Back here, blogging once again. Random rantings yeah. No one comes here anyway, even more so after I changed my address hmm.. My very own private ranting space, only to be shown to people whom I care or something one day perhaps? Hmm..

I'm just a simple, neighbourhood guy with a normal family that loves me and friends beside me. There are many things I would like to do/be. But however cant.

I got random urges to put tats at times, ok fuck pause, my dad's cough just made me spill water on my bed. Fml damn disgusting urgh..

So yeah, other than putting tats sometimes I wish I was like another person, like person someone better looking, richer, better dressed, more humorous and stuff like that. Things that a girl might want to look for in a guy, sadly, I am not any of those things described aboved.

I wear singlets to school, I sing at the top of my voice at places that I shouldn't, I do retarded stuff, I crack lame jokes that only makes myself laugh, I am perhaps rather carefree as one might describe. Hmm, funny how if I see someone like that I would likely not be friends with such a person, as in, if I did meet myself in real life, I wonder if I would click with me?

I've become rather judgemental nowadays as if I'm hot stuff or something. Its nothing like that, I guess I just start to look down on people nowadays despite the low standards I carry myself. I'm becoming ugly inside huh.. Hopefully this will all be a phase.

Whatever happened to becoming stronger and a better person to protect the weaker ones? Power = corruption? (Not saying that I have any perhaps in this context I refer power to self-confidence at times?)

I'm a confused, sad little boy ain't I?

Loneliness is always looking for a friend
It found me once and it has been around since then
Loneliness is never waiting by the door
It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Loneliness knows everything I keep inside
My endless thought in the silence of the night
Loneliness is the one who made me see
Ain't nobody else who can make a change but me
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Life is more and that would be the vacant space
The cried out tears and a never ending maze
I have found what only loneliness provides
A strength within knowing I will find

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Indeed, I may appear cheery and everything, but at nights like this where everyone is asleep and you aren't here, I start thinking about us. But wait, who are you again?

Ah, so much sadness within me. :(