Tomorrow(Ok fine actually today but actually early in the morning), my china tenant is moving out. Hmm.. Just finished writing a card for him.. Its funny because I don't usually write cards for guys cos its gay and all but.. yeah I did it anyway.
De Cai has been living with me since secondary three, or four was it? I cant remember, all I know is he has been staying with me for a long long time now, even before my first girlfriend which was like when I was 16 was it? Could still remember asking him for advice then hahaha! Now that I think about it, he really did kinda watch me grow up huh!
From when I was short to tall, till when I was a good church boy at a point of time till I "backslided" to when I was single to attached and to single to attached again to falling in and out of love with girls to getting home drunk to having friends come and sleep on the same bed with me blah blah blah.. (I could only imagine the look on his face when he sees two guys in my bed early in the morning. -.-)
He has seen me at my worst, and at my best(I GOT A BEST MEH!?). From when I had short hair to my 1-day-mowhawk to when I went botak and when my hair grew again to when I first dyed my hair till it grew longer till I shaved a side of hair to blah blah blah.. yeah, pretty much till now.
He was the one that heard me cry late at night when I am sad and yet had the courtesy to pretend that nothing has happened in the morning to preserve my pride. He probably knew me better than anyone other than my parents did, yet pretended not to know as he was just a tenant.
And tomorrow, he is leaving.
I realised that throughout the four/five years span of living together with him, I have never ever taken a picture with him before. Even up till now, I still do not have the courage to ask him to take a photo with me hmmm.. Men's pride I guess? I dont wanna be bawling and hugging and all tomorrow when he moves out. I hope I'm asleep when he does so at least he can leave quietly without me having to face him with a straight face like he meant nothing more to me than just a tenant. There's just no way I can let him see me getting all emotional over him or whatever. It's just now how we portray ourselves to each other.
He was not just a tenant, or a working buddy. He is my family, my friend.
And I probably haven't been the best roommate to him either, being so noisy on the phone and laughing out loud late at night when he has work early in the morning tomorrow, or coming home all drunk, or asking friends to come over to my house and make a nuisance out of ourselves, watching movies on my laptop without a earpiece..
Guess what? De Cai never ever once told me I've disrupted his sleep. Not even when I asked him if I've been a bother. He would just causally say "No ah, I was in deep slumber.". Haha that would be assuring if I couldn't hear him twist and turn on his bed whenever I make too much noise. I've been too unfair to him.
As I grew older, I started talking less and less to him, and now when he's leaving I finally feel a tinge of sadness in me. What is this sia! I never thought that I'd be using this saying now but truly, you never know how important someone is until they're gone. (Or going in a few hours time, for my case.)
I realised I've never cried even on my grandmother's funeral, but while writing the farewell letter to my friend, I cried, for the first time in 2011 (Disclaimer: Not under any influence of alchohol.)
And to whoever chances upon this post, I'm not gay, if you ever thought like that through any part of this post you need a doctor. -.-
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Penning down your thoughts
Been a while since I blogged a proper post nowadays.
Hmm.. I wonder if I've been too pampered sometimes. So much so that I don't really regard how other feel? I mean, I know that I always "don't give a shit" about how others think of me right? But then again, there's only a thin line that between "Not giving a shit about how others think of me" and "Not giving a shit about others". While one is being carefree, the other is just plain rude.
Why, sometimes I do think to myself, "Why would anyone need ME to care for them when they probably have so many others around them to do so already? Do I really make a difference?". What I'm about to type next may probably sound contradicting but yeah, its my train of thoughts. (I wonder if all these that I'm typing is even going to make sense to me the next time I come over and read it again hmm..)
Sometimes I think perhaps it's just me being selfish afterall, perhaps people DO give a shit about me giving a shit for them (#rhyme). Which is why I tend to go to the crowd with the least people at times, partly because I hate big crowds, and partly because sometimes my gut feeling tells me to just go there as the people there need me more. Somehow it just sounds like I'm starting to give a shit here again eh?
Damn I sound so fucking contracdicting la, am I two-faced? Do I have split personality? Or perhaps I'm just fickle-minded?
Then again, I think I don't really understand myself well at times also hmm.. Do I give a shit about others feel or not? If so, why do I seem to piss people off sometimes when I do stuff when I dont mean to? Oh wait I know, perhaps I'm just plain dumb ba, to actually be immersing myself in to much fun that I forgot how the other person is feeling, now that I think about it, the only few times I piss people off is when I am having too much doing something to them that probably dosen't appeal to them yeah?
Ok fine, on a different note, I've been feeling a little grouchy/angsty/cranky nowadays for no apparent reason, well maybe there is but I cant seem to work out one that really gives me the right to act this way anyway. I think I really do get appeased really easily though, like a simple gesture would just make me forget all about it (for awhile), or perhaps just filling up my tummy? Maybe its because I have been spending more than I can earn nowadays, on stuff that I should spend on but not spam on. Bad pun, but I mean it, like spamming food, drinks, and c**gs, and a little on travelling nowadays.
I wish I had more money, who dosen't right?
The reason I'm blogging today, now that I think about it, is because I was supposed to be talking to someone on the phone but I believe I somehow pissed her off/turned her off/(Something Negative). So yeah, fml, see what I mean by not giving a thought about others? I really wanna apologise but however if I did I would definately love to say the reason why I did so, and when I do, I can already forsee myself saying a load of things that would DEFINATELY not be pleasing to her ears and therefore, pissing her off/turning her EVEN more off/(Something Negative x2) once more.
So.. yeah, I think the issue lies within me somewhere though, perhaps I am not the gentleman or friend everyone is looking for, I mean, I would love to be, but if everyone could be who they loved to be, there would be no one outstanding anymore other than the person with the best imagination around is there?
I'm babbling like I always do. I wish I could babble to you instead of using my fingers to type on this stupid keyboard arghhhzxc.
As much as I know it's wrong for me to do so, I wanna lose my sleep for you. :(
Why cant a there be more hours in the day?
But then if there was, I'm sure people would still be complaining and asking for EVEN more hours in a day so.. yeah.
Babbles.
Hmm.. I wonder if I've been too pampered sometimes. So much so that I don't really regard how other feel? I mean, I know that I always "don't give a shit" about how others think of me right? But then again, there's only a thin line that between "Not giving a shit about how others think of me" and "Not giving a shit about others". While one is being carefree, the other is just plain rude.
Why, sometimes I do think to myself, "Why would anyone need ME to care for them when they probably have so many others around them to do so already? Do I really make a difference?". What I'm about to type next may probably sound contradicting but yeah, its my train of thoughts. (I wonder if all these that I'm typing is even going to make sense to me the next time I come over and read it again hmm..)
Sometimes I think perhaps it's just me being selfish afterall, perhaps people DO give a shit about me giving a shit for them (#rhyme). Which is why I tend to go to the crowd with the least people at times, partly because I hate big crowds, and partly because sometimes my gut feeling tells me to just go there as the people there need me more. Somehow it just sounds like I'm starting to give a shit here again eh?
Damn I sound so fucking contracdicting la, am I two-faced? Do I have split personality? Or perhaps I'm just fickle-minded?
Then again, I think I don't really understand myself well at times also hmm.. Do I give a shit about others feel or not? If so, why do I seem to piss people off sometimes when I do stuff when I dont mean to? Oh wait I know, perhaps I'm just plain dumb ba, to actually be immersing myself in to much fun that I forgot how the other person is feeling, now that I think about it, the only few times I piss people off is when I am having too much doing something to them that probably dosen't appeal to them yeah?
Ok fine, on a different note, I've been feeling a little grouchy/angsty/cranky nowadays for no apparent reason, well maybe there is but I cant seem to work out one that really gives me the right to act this way anyway. I think I really do get appeased really easily though, like a simple gesture would just make me forget all about it (for awhile), or perhaps just filling up my tummy? Maybe its because I have been spending more than I can earn nowadays, on stuff that I should spend on but not spam on. Bad pun, but I mean it, like spamming food, drinks, and c**gs, and a little on travelling nowadays.
I wish I had more money, who dosen't right?
The reason I'm blogging today, now that I think about it, is because I was supposed to be talking to someone on the phone but I believe I somehow pissed her off/turned her off/(Something Negative). So yeah, fml, see what I mean by not giving a thought about others? I really wanna apologise but however if I did I would definately love to say the reason why I did so, and when I do, I can already forsee myself saying a load of things that would DEFINATELY not be pleasing to her ears and therefore, pissing her off/turning her EVEN more off/(Something Negative x2) once more.
So.. yeah, I think the issue lies within me somewhere though, perhaps I am not the gentleman or friend everyone is looking for, I mean, I would love to be, but if everyone could be who they loved to be, there would be no one outstanding anymore other than the person with the best imagination around is there?
I'm babbling like I always do. I wish I could babble to you instead of using my fingers to type on this stupid keyboard arghhhzxc.
As much as I know it's wrong for me to do so, I wanna lose my sleep for you. :(
Why cant a there be more hours in the day?
But then if there was, I'm sure people would still be complaining and asking for EVEN more hours in a day so.. yeah.
Babbles.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Simplicity
Lam and melvin over at my house playing ps2 now.
Even after so long, me and Mel are still friends hmm.. been like 7 years? Naise.. Although we werent friends from the start uh..
Hahhaha just told him we knew each other for very long alr he said "Ya what, you getting sentimental ah? Time flies.."
Indeed, time flies.
When I was sec 1, i was just some retard kid, so naive blah blah blah..
Look at me now.
Even after so long, me and Mel are still friends hmm.. been like 7 years? Naise.. Although we werent friends from the start uh..
Hahhaha just told him we knew each other for very long alr he said "Ya what, you getting sentimental ah? Time flies.."
Indeed, time flies.
When I was sec 1, i was just some retard kid, so naive blah blah blah..
Look at me now.
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