Ball and chain

You still pop up on my social media from time to time. And it appears that you're doing much better than you did one year ago. I'm really glad for you.

I try to not let myself think above my love life in general cos there is enough on my plate the way it already is, my cousin's wedding video, the jobs I might want to take up when I ORD, the upcoming bkk trip, and perhaps being there for some friends who at the moment, really need me so much that it would just be plain rude if I burdened them with my own thoughts right now. I guess blogging is the only viable option now no?

I guess I have to face the facts, i was a burden to you, a mistake you made. I was at most a passing moment, with nothing to contribute but my own selfishness. While I might not have ill-treated or cheated on you, I also wasn't able to provide what you truly needed. It's sad really how much pain motivates you to strive to become someone better. To break out of your usual pattern and make something of yourself.

I used to think that the key to happiness is to be content. I still do now but what I did not consider back then is how being contented actually takes away all your motivation to improve yourself. Back then I had all I ever wanted, so why bother right? Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone but it definately did to me. While losing you was one of the biggest wake up call I've ever received, I wish I could have been wiser back then. Perhaps things might've been different then. I wish I could go back in time with all the experiences I have now and right my wrongs. But I can't.

The only thing left to do now is to grit my teeth and push on, but maybe for now, for tonight. I'd just like to wallow in self pity for just a little while more and fantasise about the things that could've been had I done something just a little differently. Pathetic. I should have been improving together with you and yet I dragged you down instead.

This won't happen again.

It's mind over matter, it always has been

Finally there's only a mere 94 more days till I ord, yet it still feels kinda long though.. They were right when they say you learn stuff during your NS days though. Although I took a really different path from most servicemen I did definately learn a lot too being at the bottom of the food chain most of the time. Seriously, there's this midget fucktard that thinks he's like some kinda badass and treats other ppl like garbage and other condescending pricks. I even suspect sometimes my cigarettes get stolen behind my back hmm.. Better educate my child properly lest they end up like those fucktards.

This NS thing has definately been the worst one year and ten months of my life definately. Probably cos I've been living really comfortably before this huh? I've witnessed the ugly side of human nature and definately some good as well. They say you'll learn discipline when you're in NS, but I disagree. The kind of discipline they educate in NS is simply just obeying orders through and through and getting fucked if you don't. That's not what discipline is to me at all. To me, discipline is about being able to decipher what's right and doing it despite it being uncomfortable or tough. While it may differ from person to person what "the right thing to do" is. I'd like to believe that I've done right by myself. And blindly obeying nonsense just really doesn't suit me, so as long as my actions don't affect others negatively, I've definately not let myself down. And that to me, is discipline. To not just blindly obey rules but do things that might not benefit yourself just so others won't have to suffer.

Anyway I've been blabbering for long enough, really can't wait to ORD so that I can move on to more important things in life like studying, getting my drivers' license, going overseas to experience the world etc etc.

Just finished watching Howl's moving castle as well, Studio Ghibli's works are indeed amazing!