I try to not let myself think above my love life in general cos there is enough on my plate the way it already is, my cousin's wedding video, the jobs I might want to take up when I ORD, the upcoming bkk trip, and perhaps being there for some friends who at the moment, really need me so much that it would just be plain rude if I burdened them with my own thoughts right now. I guess blogging is the only viable option now no?
I guess I have to face the facts, i was a burden to you, a mistake you made. I was at most a passing moment, with nothing to contribute but my own selfishness. While I might not have ill-treated or cheated on you, I also wasn't able to provide what you truly needed. It's sad really how much pain motivates you to strive to become someone better. To break out of your usual pattern and make something of yourself.
I used to think that the key to happiness is to be content. I still do now but what I did not consider back then is how being contented actually takes away all your motivation to improve yourself. Back then I had all I ever wanted, so why bother right? Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone but it definately did to me. While losing you was one of the biggest wake up call I've ever received, I wish I could have been wiser back then. Perhaps things might've been different then. I wish I could go back in time with all the experiences I have now and right my wrongs. But I can't.
The only thing left to do now is to grit my teeth and push on, but maybe for now, for tonight. I'd just like to wallow in self pity for just a little while more and fantasise about the things that could've been had I done something just a little differently. Pathetic. I should have been improving together with you and yet I dragged you down instead.
This won't happen again.
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