It's always in the wee hours of the night where i find myself thinking of stupid shit like how incompetent i am..
I guess I underestimated a lot of stuff. I realise that just telling someone how you feel all the time and your past stories, it doesn't always get the full message across. More often than not, these messages and stories get misinterpreted to a weird extent where you find yourself in a situation that nothing you say will ever stick to your recepients because they're just so determined that what they perceive is correct. Like what I learnt in marketing "perception is reality" no?
I know what the problem is though. It's expectations.
I expect someone to feel the same way I do whenever I try to share my past.
I expected her to display her love with languages that only I understand.
I expected people to take my word for it when I say something.
I expect too much, just because I feel that what I have been providing is enough. But it isn't. What I provide to her now is a lot more than what I gave to P. But it doesn't matter. Because she is not P, and she will not react like P. Guess it's not that easy to just turn over a new leaf when she doesn't even know what kind of person I used to be. People expect you to be you, and doing good is what you are supposed to do. They don't give a shit about how much you've improved, how far you've come, nor do they care about the effort you put in to make a change.
I hate going to sleep in a foul mood. I want to talk to you so badly. But I probably won't know what to say because you'll just shut my words out and throw me empty promises anyway. And it sucks. I don't want to be treated like this.
Maybe I am being selfish. But I think it's more likely because I'm incompetent. I'll work on it. Somehow.
It's not like I never tried to listen, but it's hard to do so when you just be silent and expect me to say sone thing to ease the tension. Its okay. I will try to listen harder.
Oh yea, happy birthday Eugene!!
