Love is scary

I am unable to accept that Shermane is truly gone from my life now. We used to be so happy together, but because I am no longer able to inspire her, and have habits that irks her, we are no longer an item. I guess I should have put in more effort in improving certain aspects of my life, but I guess I really didn't think much of them until it was too late, since they are habits that I would change for my girlfriend. If I was left to my own devices, I'd be pretty happy with myself.

Of course, with that being said, I wish I heeded her advice more when she nagged at me instead of hoping that Shermane would come to accept me for me. But now that's all too late. I've lost this amazing girl due to my incapabilities once again and it really really sucks. :( I guess none of us should really be too comfortable.

I feel like shit, but whenever someone asks if I'm okay, in that slight moment, I do feel a little better and I'm inclined to tell them that I am, but the truth is once that moment is gone, I start feeling like shit again.

Also, my new computer's takes 4 mins plus to render a five second video even I cleared my cache, what the heck.

Goodbye my love, I really want you back but I doubt you'd wanna 

Loss

They say nothing can steal the love you're born to find.

I really don't know if that is true anymore. I thought I found the woman I love and it's hard to shake this feeling of loss away. I have my heart to this special lady I loved, and I don't regret it a single bit.

But it really fucking hurts, it hurts to realize that you're just not good enough, I hate my own flaws, I hate my laziness, but despite all this I truly truly loved Shermane. I tried to give her the best I could afford to give, and we have grown so much together and I will always be grateful for that.

But now we have somehow grown apart and it is tearing me apart every single day, some days it gets really bad I have to let it out here on this blog because this is where I feel where I can be as emotional and irrational as I can be without judgement or interruption, at least until someone reads this and thinks less of me. But fuck it.

I am afraid that I will never be as happy as I used to be anymore, and that I'll just become another face in the crowd in this cold, unyielding world where we pretend and pretend every single day until we die.

I don't know how to be happy anymore, at least not the same kind of happy that I'm used to, and somehow there's a nagging feeling that everything is only going to get worse years from now.

Guess life really fucks us all huh?