Back here, blogging once again. Random rantings yeah. No one comes here anyway, even more so after I changed my address hmm.. My very own private ranting space, only to be shown to people whom I care or something one day perhaps? Hmm..

I'm just a simple, neighbourhood guy with a normal family that loves me and friends beside me. There are many things I would like to do/be. But however cant.

I got random urges to put tats at times, ok fuck pause, my dad's cough just made me spill water on my bed. Fml damn disgusting urgh..

So yeah, other than putting tats sometimes I wish I was like another person, like person someone better looking, richer, better dressed, more humorous and stuff like that. Things that a girl might want to look for in a guy, sadly, I am not any of those things described aboved.

I wear singlets to school, I sing at the top of my voice at places that I shouldn't, I do retarded stuff, I crack lame jokes that only makes myself laugh, I am perhaps rather carefree as one might describe. Hmm, funny how if I see someone like that I would likely not be friends with such a person, as in, if I did meet myself in real life, I wonder if I would click with me?

I've become rather judgemental nowadays as if I'm hot stuff or something. Its nothing like that, I guess I just start to look down on people nowadays despite the low standards I carry myself. I'm becoming ugly inside huh.. Hopefully this will all be a phase.

Whatever happened to becoming stronger and a better person to protect the weaker ones? Power = corruption? (Not saying that I have any perhaps in this context I refer power to self-confidence at times?)

I'm a confused, sad little boy ain't I?

Loneliness is always looking for a friend
It found me once and it has been around since then
Loneliness is never waiting by the door
It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Loneliness knows everything I keep inside
My endless thought in the silence of the night
Loneliness is the one who made me see
Ain't nobody else who can make a change but me
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Life is more and that would be the vacant space
The cried out tears and a never ending maze
I have found what only loneliness provides
A strength within knowing I will find

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Indeed, I may appear cheery and everything, but at nights like this where everyone is asleep and you aren't here, I start thinking about us. But wait, who are you again?

Ah, so much sadness within me. :(

Parting ways

Tomorrow(Ok fine actually today but actually early in the morning), my china tenant is moving out. Hmm.. Just finished writing a card for him.. Its funny because I don't usually write cards for guys cos its gay and all but.. yeah I did it anyway.

De Cai has been living with me since secondary three, or four was it? I cant remember, all I know is he has been staying with me for a long long time now, even before my first girlfriend which was like when I was 16 was it? Could still remember asking him for advice then hahaha! Now that I think about it, he really did kinda watch me grow up huh!

From when I was short to tall, till when I was a good church boy at a point of time till I "backslided" to when I was single to attached and to single to attached again to falling in and out of love with girls to getting home drunk to having friends come and sleep on the same bed with me blah blah blah.. (I could only imagine the look on his face when he sees two guys in my bed early in the morning. -.-)

He has seen me at my worst, and at my best(I GOT A BEST MEH!?). From when I had short hair to my 1-day-mowhawk to when I went botak and when my hair grew again to when I first dyed my hair till it grew longer till I shaved a side of hair to blah blah blah.. yeah, pretty much till now.

He was the one that heard me cry late at night when I am sad and yet had the courtesy to pretend that nothing has happened in the morning to preserve my pride. He probably knew me better than anyone other than my parents did, yet pretended not to know as he was just a tenant.

And tomorrow, he is leaving.

I realised that throughout the four/five years span of living together with him, I have never ever taken a picture with him before. Even up till now, I still do not have the courage to ask him to take a photo with me hmmm.. Men's pride I guess? I dont wanna be bawling and hugging and all tomorrow when he moves out. I hope I'm asleep when he does so at least he can leave quietly without me having to face him with a straight face like he meant nothing more to me than just a tenant. There's just no way I can let him see me getting all emotional over him or whatever. It's just now how we portray ourselves to each other.

He was not just a tenant, or a working buddy. He is my family, my friend.

And I probably haven't been the best roommate to him either, being so noisy on the phone and laughing out loud late at night when he has work early in the morning tomorrow, or coming home all drunk, or asking friends to come over to my house and make a nuisance out of ourselves, watching movies on my laptop without a earpiece..

Guess what? De Cai never ever once told me I've disrupted his sleep. Not even when I asked him if I've been a bother. He would just causally say "No ah, I was in deep slumber.". Haha that would be assuring if I couldn't hear him twist and turn on his bed whenever I make too much noise. I've been too unfair to him.

As I grew older, I started talking less and less to him, and now when he's leaving I finally feel a tinge of sadness in me. What is this sia! I never thought that I'd be using this saying now but truly, you never know how important someone is until they're gone. (Or going in a few hours time, for my case.)

I realised I've never cried even on my grandmother's funeral, but while writing the farewell letter to my friend, I cried, for the first time in 2011 (Disclaimer: Not under any influence of alchohol.)

And to whoever chances upon this post, I'm not gay, if you ever thought like that through any part of this post you need a doctor. -.-

Penning down your thoughts

Been a while since I blogged a proper post nowadays.

Hmm.. I wonder if I've been too pampered sometimes. So much so that I don't really regard how other feel? I mean, I know that I always "don't give a shit" about how others think of me right? But then again, there's only a thin line that between "Not giving a shit about how others think of me" and "Not giving a shit about others". While one is being carefree, the other is just plain rude.

Why, sometimes I do think to myself, "Why would anyone need ME to care for them when they probably have so many others around them to do so already? Do I really make a difference?". What I'm about to type next may probably sound contradicting but yeah, its my train of thoughts. (I wonder if all these that I'm typing is even going to make sense to me the next time I come over and read it again hmm..)

Sometimes I think perhaps it's just me being selfish afterall, perhaps people DO give a shit about me giving a shit for them (#rhyme). Which is why I tend to go to the crowd with the least people at times, partly because I hate big crowds, and partly because sometimes my gut feeling tells me to just go there as the people there need me more. Somehow it just sounds like I'm starting to give a shit here again eh?

Damn I sound so fucking contracdicting la, am I two-faced? Do I have split personality? Or perhaps I'm just fickle-minded?

Then again, I think I don't really understand myself well at times also hmm.. Do I give a shit about others feel or not? If so, why do I seem to piss people off sometimes when I do stuff when I dont mean to? Oh wait I know, perhaps I'm just plain dumb ba, to actually be immersing myself in to much fun that I forgot how the other person is feeling, now that I think about it, the only few times I piss people off is when I am having too much doing something to them that probably dosen't appeal to them yeah?

Ok fine, on a different note, I've been feeling a little grouchy/angsty/cranky nowadays for no apparent reason, well maybe there is but I cant seem to work out one that really gives me the right to act this way anyway. I think I really do get appeased really easily though, like a simple gesture would just make me forget all about it (for awhile), or perhaps just filling up my tummy? Maybe its because I have been spending more than I can earn nowadays, on stuff that I should spend on but not spam on. Bad pun, but I mean it, like spamming food, drinks, and c**gs, and a little on travelling nowadays.

I wish I had more money, who dosen't right?

The reason I'm blogging today, now that I think about it, is because I was supposed to be talking to someone on the phone but I believe I somehow pissed her off/turned her off/(Something Negative). So yeah, fml, see what I mean by not giving a thought about others? I really wanna apologise but however if I did I would definately love to say the reason why I did so, and when I do, I can already forsee myself saying a load of things that would DEFINATELY not be pleasing to her ears and therefore, pissing her off/turning her EVEN more off/(Something Negative x2) once more.

So.. yeah, I think the issue lies within me somewhere though, perhaps I am not the gentleman or friend everyone is looking for, I mean, I would love to be, but if everyone could be who they loved to be, there would be no one outstanding anymore other than the person with the best imagination around is there?

I'm babbling like I always do. I wish I could babble to you instead of using my fingers to type on this stupid keyboard arghhhzxc.

As much as I know it's wrong for me to do so, I wanna lose my sleep for you. :(

Why cant a there be more hours in the day?

But then if there was, I'm sure people would still be complaining and asking for EVEN more hours in a day so.. yeah.

Babbles.

I miss you a little everytime you go to sleep :/

I cant stand it when outsiders try to step into my comfort zone :/

Simplicity

Lam and melvin over at my house playing ps2 now.

Even after so long, me and Mel are still friends hmm.. been like 7 years? Naise.. Although we werent friends from the start uh..

Hahhaha just told him we knew each other for very long alr he said "Ya what, you getting sentimental ah? Time flies.."

Indeed, time flies.

When I was sec 1, i was just some retard kid, so naive blah blah blah..

Look at me now.

I want you to take over control~

Wow I can't believe I posted a one liner from a song last time. Guess I was really bored huh (BTW dun from the future here). Reservist is fucking boring and I just dropped my phone -.- now there's even more cracks on my super cracked phone :/. I miss my girlfriend, I miss my computer, I miss my room sighhh.. but it's okay I guess! Only 4 more days in camp and 2 of them are somewhat half days! I can survive this! :) (Dun, 4/7/16)

I cant stand hypocrites.

If I ever act like one or become one, tell me immediately and give me a tight slap afterwards.

PA stuff

Awards and Recognition
--------------
-Been to Hainan during a study trip organised by Temesek Polytechnic and taught primary five and six students there English in 2010
-Has conducted chinese tuitions to Secondary one and two in 2010
-Taught a caucasian basic conversational chinese for two months in 2009



self-profile
-------------
I am a Year 3 student in Temesek Polytechnic currently pursuing the Diploma in Interactive Media Informatics planning to pursue my studies at Nanyang Technological University(NTU) after graduation and enlistment in the National Service. I have since young watched my parents conducted lessons at many different places and therefore hope to one day follow their career paths. If given the chance, I hope to be of asset to the PA as a registered trainer

Dun from the future here! The girl in this pic is my girlfriend whom I miss a lot as I'm currently posting this in camp. Funny how I start to miss my outside life 5 hours into camp huh. Tsk Tsk. Anyway till today my dad is still harping to me about pursuing my PA certificate. But I'm rly too butt lazy to get anything done.. Can't wait to book out tomorrow so I can get the car fixed. (4/7/16)

Happiness

I think the younger I was, the happier I was.

Growing up sucks.

[EDITED]

From: Random blog post in like september 2008?

I want to get stronger.

Yes I do.

I want to get stronger in every aspect. I want to get more knowledgeble, I want to emphatise with people more. I want to become stronger in every every aspect you can ever think of. =)

I want to be stronger so that I can protect my friends, my families and my beloved. I am not lying. Something has happened today that has made me really make up my mind. I want to become stronger. So I can solve problems before it even begins. I can cheer up a person even when all hope seems lost. I want people to be without worries when they are with me. Or even better still, when they know that they have a friend like me. I want to become stronger. I really do.


Wow I was awesome back then huh?

Adp from the future here! God I'm so unphotogenic :( When I look back at posts like this I'd like that think that I did get somewhere stronger? Haha but it's definitely not enough.. Let's hope the future only gets better from here on out yea? (ADP 2/7/16, 3:22am)

CNY Day 2

Today's CNY Day 2, a day which is supposedly a day whereby people come to each other's houses, gamble, get angbao and socialise and create bonds.

Perhaps I've been having too much fun during CNY's eve and CNY's day one that I'm stuck at home currently with a tight wad of cash with nothing to spend on until either..

1) James comes back for visiting his godma and meets Yingchuan.
2) Nicol wakes up.
3) My Cousins come back from whereever they are.

Being alone sometimes at home isnt really all that bad, for example, it allows me to look back at my old photos and start to think back on the good old days like when I was year one.. When I was in Secondary School.. Or even when I was just in Primary School.


I've recently uploaded a few pictures on facebook from my old phone, not cos I wanna show anyone actually, but because I know that if I dont preserve these pictures somemore more "permanent" than my phone, these memories would be lost then moment I change my phone into something that doesn't use a Sony Ericsson's Memory Card anymore. However, looking back on those days, I realised that you can do ALOT of things within 18 years of your life! Like example.. Taking up Taekwondo in two different places. (I'm just saying, its a small small part in mylife only.), Going to learn Muay Thai, learning the piano blah blah blah..

What I mean is that I dont even do those things usually in my life but now that I think about it, WOW! I've done quite a few things in my life huh? So much so that I forget most of my stunts pulled during secondary school that from time to time my friend would talk about it and I would be like "OH YEAH! I REMEMBER THAT AWESOME SHIT!".

Well.. What i'm trying to say is that being alone sometimes helps you think! (And in bad cases, overthink.) And thinking is never bad as you get a better understanding on things, note that I said think and not ASSUME.

Ok, until next time! Wonder what I'll be doing now since Its already 4.13 and no one has called me yet hais... :(