Helpless

Ever felt so nauseously helpless about a situation where you know that whatever you do will only worsen it? It makes you question the choices you've made that lead up to this very moment, how everything was so obvious yet you chose to press on just because of your arrogance thinking that things will work out just because you've done your due diligence?

A few weeks ago I tweeted "I'm the one that decides what's worthy to me or not, and at the end of the day if it turns out to be my fault, so be it." I guess I was right huh. This is my cross to bear. I've told myself time and again to improve myself so that when someone comes along, I'll be good enough for her. But it isn't just that simple now is it. The chemistry between two people isn't something that can be so simply explained by saying who is the right fit for you and who isn't. It isn't an equation where you get a specific result based on the effort you've put in; or maybe it is, I'm just that bad at math then.

I am someone that does not deserve anything more than I currently have, to wish for anything more is not only stupid, but immensely greedy and arrogant. Perhaps the key to happiness at the end of the day is truly being content after all.

I wish I got to know you better. It's fine. I wish you both happiness :)

Habit

Insomnia hit me like a truck today, with 1.5 hours left before I leave for work and several hours of tossing and turning around, I can't seem to get myself to fall asleep despite my bed being more comfortable than usual.

The worst thing to think about before you sleep is always to think about how many hours you're left with before sleep. But somehow today I can't frickin get that out of my head apart from a million other things like the future, pokemon, and some really abstract shit. So here I am, blogging again .

I guess the office life isn't even enough to curb my irregular sleeping hours huh. Wonder what time will lunch be tomorrow hmm.. suddenly have the slight urge to apply for more leaves before school reopens but then again, I gotta at least make some plans first yeah? :)

Okay that's enough for today, I really wonder if I'm clinically diagnosed with insomnia or I just have a really fucked body clock. Hope it's the latter :(

On yeah congrats on your baby again Eugene! Can't wait to see him on the first month man! :D

This is good

I guess I did the right thing after all.. I've always known this was going to happen one way or another, sooner or later. At least it happened on my terms. It's good that it's at least come to a stop now, it is always easier to cut people out when you're annoyed, it leaves you with less time to think about other stuff. This will probably drive you all the way back to him, and that's what you know you've always needed.

Im glad I annoyed you :) I'm sorry this routine ended up like this, and I'm sorry I never got a chance to show you that I did truly care. I really really want it to, but it just really isn't what you want. People might think I'm giving up but no, I'm just letting go, because I'm just not good for you. At least not now. Please take care of yourself okay? :)

Sian la mob manning coming soon.