Here I am once again

Wow, finally after a super long break I'm back in this stink hole again, on the plus side I'm only left with a less than a year to go! This is probably my first post about army or something I guess?

It really sucks to have your life plans put on hold, right now I just wanna quickly step into society yknow? Like hurry up and get a job and study as well, being a civilian was one of the happiest things that has ever happened to me man.. Sigh, it's hard to keep up a cheery mood when I realize that there's really nothing much there is to be done bout it. Like, how can I even go work properly yknow? And the allowance, although abundant compared to people of the past, just isn't enough to help me save up! Ah well, if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that freedom is really something many of us had taken granted for, well many not many of us but I definitely did yknow, until I had it stripped for an unjustifiable reason do I realize how precious it is. It's sad really, the existence of military, like humans can't trust each other enough to not resort to violence you know? But that's just how it is ah. The world ain't perfect. Only thing we can do is try to not contribute that much to it I guess? I guess I should be grateful that it is peacetime now though, like everyone can just rest comfortably on their beds when they're free and have a roof over their heads when it rains~

So not looking forward to going to India man.. This year really has fucked up schedules.. Even my mum doesn't want me to go. But is there even a choice given? Sigh.. This blog is back to poor ol adp posting sad stuffs again when there isn't anyone else around for me to rant to.. But seriously! Why the fuck am I being forced into doing something I don't want to? Fuck this it's not like I owed a huge debt or what! Sigh.. Maybe I'm too spoilt but seriously I can do so many things so much better for the world if I ain't in this shithole. Screw this shit!

RowRow! :D

Today's post is dedicated to a very unique, possibly aneroxic lady,

This was the last photo we took together about two years ago? Seeing that its 2014 now n stuff, sorry idk how to pose for photos nor do I know how to crop away the two gangsters on my right :/

Anws, seeing that my blog is full of sad stuff and philisophical shitz, I guess its time to "brighten" this place up with people that matter and make my days happier I guess!

You're really a very unique person you know that? You're like a dude trapped in a lady's body or something I swear! But I think I've told you that before already hmm.. The things you do, the jokes you crack, and the way you speak(rap) is really really cool/unique! Its easy to get comfortable around you ah really!

I'm known to have a rather bad memory for details but I remember you telling random jokes and random times which would make me and botak rofl or give you awkward looks all the time! So fun so fun~~ (what the fiak the curly thingie looks so grotesque here.) What were you thinking sia!

Oh oh! And I remember like once (or more than once) you joined us to go the toilet while we have our daily toilet breaks! Like bros would sit at their designated bowls and do their thang and have small talks, I remember once you were actually there with us! Somehow thats a really good memory or something for me. Weird.. But I guess its cos not many people in Singapore dare venture into the toilet of the opposite gender so nonchalently like you uh! People like you are hard to find really! You're a cool kid!

Rowena you got more balls than an average male your age I swear! And in this day and age thats a seriously good quality eh! Nu qiang ren!

Manly Girlz! I swear they look damn gross now that I look back HAHAHHA!!

Really glad to have met a person like you ah! You're seriously intriguing and fun to hang out with! Like its never boring yknow? Even if i was feeling like un-chatty n shit im sure you'll have your own stuff to bring to the table and make wherever you go fun! :D Funny how you'll choose to be my friend despite knowing im a disgusting, nonchalent psycho who likes to wrap his friends up in toilet paper and do public nuisance stuff haha! ;]

Lets travel the world with everyone else someday! I wanna go Japan! or Korea! I'm sure it'll be fun seeing maybe you and botak having a katana sword fight or something! So kewl~~

Remember this? hahaha!!!

Many people have many talents yknow? Like some people are good with sports, others are good with computers or studies or even stuff like money, if you had a talent it'd be you're really good with people! Like you make people feel good bout themselves around you yknow? Not in a comparison kinda way but in the sense that like people feel like they're really funny and cool around you! Which they probably are but will never be as cool as us ah!

Thinking back we've known each other for a good 3 years already ah! Wah! Time really flies when you don't realize it, sadly we dont hang out even half as much anymore given your commitments and my duties to serve my great Lion City :( But that's alright I guess? Like we can always meet up when we have the time ba? But rly, you and Adam go save up lots and lots of money while I find my Supermodel wife and when the day comes, lets go Japan and play some pachinkos and gouge ourselves with sushis n sashimis k?

So geek! AHAHAHAHAH!!!

If you did some digging in my blog you'll realize that I seldom bother to place pics on my posts, so ya gotta be honored alright? :D Anyway! After much digging! I finally managed to find the only photo we took together!!

 Holy moly my hair looks like some kinda balding dude..

Oh my god sweet baby jesus who's this good looking devil?

Haha wow blogging this was really fun! First post in 2014 yay!! Not bad ah Row not many people know that I blog yknow? Welcome to my "nei xin shi jie"! :D

To love and be loved, and to lose it all at the end of the day.

I touch my chest, I can feel my heart beating. I am alive.

What does it truly mean to be alive? Is it simply just having a beating heart? I have never felt this way before. Never felt such sadness before that I'd question the exi
stence of humans and stuff like this. My brain is so fried at this point that I'm not even sure what I'm typing is making sense anymore..

I feel hurt, it really really hurts. This kind of unprecedented pain is really tearing me apart inside, keeping me awake, forcing me to think about the things that could have been again and again and again.. Knowing the futility of the situation and that everything could very well be too late to make amends, after all. Affairs of the heart has always been sort of a "two-way" thing. I've read this in a book called "The Fault With Our Stars" recently. And inside there was a quote that goes something like "The thing about pain is that it demands to be felt." How fucking apt.

I miss you, I miss us. I miss loving and feeling loved and living each day happily with your presence. Till today it is still a miracle to me as to why such a lady like you would ever fall in love with a loser like me at that point of time. Your every action, every word, and every laugh you made the first time I saw you. Is still imprinted in my head like a tattoo. Maybe I fell in love with you right then. But I didn't know it yet. Subconsciously I have always told myself that I was never, and never will be good enough for you. But still the universe really did have a plan for us, for us to actually cross paths and become closer till one day we finally managed to call each other our own. That short period of a year and five months was sincerely the happiest days of my life. Everyday felt like a blessing from god. You were one of te greatest gifts I've ever received. And now you're gone. And every effort I'm making to win you back, to tell you that I'm a changed man and show you is falling on deaf ears. All I am now is an irritance to you.  It's bewildering isn't it? How someone who once loved you so much could just let go so easily and transition you into an irritance till now. I must have been one hell of a fucked up kid to let this happen.. It must have been my fault, because I know you love for me then was true and abundant, it's not like what others told me "Maybe she just never loved you that much". No, no. That cannot be the case. 

I must be thankful for the things I have. The things I still have. But I still really really want you back. What should I do? I need you. I really do.

Back here, blogging once again. Random rantings yeah. No one comes here anyway, even more so after I changed my address hmm.. My very own private ranting space, only to be shown to people whom I care or something one day perhaps? Hmm..

I'm just a simple, neighbourhood guy with a normal family that loves me and friends beside me. There are many things I would like to do/be. But however cant.

I got random urges to put tats at times, ok fuck pause, my dad's cough just made me spill water on my bed. Fml damn disgusting urgh..

So yeah, other than putting tats sometimes I wish I was like another person, like person someone better looking, richer, better dressed, more humorous and stuff like that. Things that a girl might want to look for in a guy, sadly, I am not any of those things described aboved.

I wear singlets to school, I sing at the top of my voice at places that I shouldn't, I do retarded stuff, I crack lame jokes that only makes myself laugh, I am perhaps rather carefree as one might describe. Hmm, funny how if I see someone like that I would likely not be friends with such a person, as in, if I did meet myself in real life, I wonder if I would click with me?

I've become rather judgemental nowadays as if I'm hot stuff or something. Its nothing like that, I guess I just start to look down on people nowadays despite the low standards I carry myself. I'm becoming ugly inside huh.. Hopefully this will all be a phase.

Whatever happened to becoming stronger and a better person to protect the weaker ones? Power = corruption? (Not saying that I have any perhaps in this context I refer power to self-confidence at times?)

I'm a confused, sad little boy ain't I?

Loneliness is always looking for a friend
It found me once and it has been around since then
Loneliness is never waiting by the door
It sweeps right through and it will never be ignored
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Loneliness knows everything I keep inside
My endless thought in the silence of the night
Loneliness is the one who made me see
Ain't nobody else who can make a change but me
Why, why was I chosen?
Why am I left without?

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Life is more and that would be the vacant space
The cried out tears and a never ending maze
I have found what only loneliness provides
A strength within knowing I will find

The love of my life, the love that I need
The love that they say is in life for free
The love of dreams, the love that I want
Loneliness knows me by name

Indeed, I may appear cheery and everything, but at nights like this where everyone is asleep and you aren't here, I start thinking about us. But wait, who are you again?

Ah, so much sadness within me. :(

Parting ways

Tomorrow(Ok fine actually today but actually early in the morning), my china tenant is moving out. Hmm.. Just finished writing a card for him.. Its funny because I don't usually write cards for guys cos its gay and all but.. yeah I did it anyway.

De Cai has been living with me since secondary three, or four was it? I cant remember, all I know is he has been staying with me for a long long time now, even before my first girlfriend which was like when I was 16 was it? Could still remember asking him for advice then hahaha! Now that I think about it, he really did kinda watch me grow up huh!

From when I was short to tall, till when I was a good church boy at a point of time till I "backslided" to when I was single to attached and to single to attached again to falling in and out of love with girls to getting home drunk to having friends come and sleep on the same bed with me blah blah blah.. (I could only imagine the look on his face when he sees two guys in my bed early in the morning. -.-)

He has seen me at my worst, and at my best(I GOT A BEST MEH!?). From when I had short hair to my 1-day-mowhawk to when I went botak and when my hair grew again to when I first dyed my hair till it grew longer till I shaved a side of hair to blah blah blah.. yeah, pretty much till now.

He was the one that heard me cry late at night when I am sad and yet had the courtesy to pretend that nothing has happened in the morning to preserve my pride. He probably knew me better than anyone other than my parents did, yet pretended not to know as he was just a tenant.

And tomorrow, he is leaving.

I realised that throughout the four/five years span of living together with him, I have never ever taken a picture with him before. Even up till now, I still do not have the courage to ask him to take a photo with me hmmm.. Men's pride I guess? I dont wanna be bawling and hugging and all tomorrow when he moves out. I hope I'm asleep when he does so at least he can leave quietly without me having to face him with a straight face like he meant nothing more to me than just a tenant. There's just no way I can let him see me getting all emotional over him or whatever. It's just now how we portray ourselves to each other.

He was not just a tenant, or a working buddy. He is my family, my friend.

And I probably haven't been the best roommate to him either, being so noisy on the phone and laughing out loud late at night when he has work early in the morning tomorrow, or coming home all drunk, or asking friends to come over to my house and make a nuisance out of ourselves, watching movies on my laptop without a earpiece..

Guess what? De Cai never ever once told me I've disrupted his sleep. Not even when I asked him if I've been a bother. He would just causally say "No ah, I was in deep slumber.". Haha that would be assuring if I couldn't hear him twist and turn on his bed whenever I make too much noise. I've been too unfair to him.

As I grew older, I started talking less and less to him, and now when he's leaving I finally feel a tinge of sadness in me. What is this sia! I never thought that I'd be using this saying now but truly, you never know how important someone is until they're gone. (Or going in a few hours time, for my case.)

I realised I've never cried even on my grandmother's funeral, but while writing the farewell letter to my friend, I cried, for the first time in 2011 (Disclaimer: Not under any influence of alchohol.)

And to whoever chances upon this post, I'm not gay, if you ever thought like that through any part of this post you need a doctor. -.-

Penning down your thoughts

Been a while since I blogged a proper post nowadays.

Hmm.. I wonder if I've been too pampered sometimes. So much so that I don't really regard how other feel? I mean, I know that I always "don't give a shit" about how others think of me right? But then again, there's only a thin line that between "Not giving a shit about how others think of me" and "Not giving a shit about others". While one is being carefree, the other is just plain rude.

Why, sometimes I do think to myself, "Why would anyone need ME to care for them when they probably have so many others around them to do so already? Do I really make a difference?". What I'm about to type next may probably sound contradicting but yeah, its my train of thoughts. (I wonder if all these that I'm typing is even going to make sense to me the next time I come over and read it again hmm..)

Sometimes I think perhaps it's just me being selfish afterall, perhaps people DO give a shit about me giving a shit for them (#rhyme). Which is why I tend to go to the crowd with the least people at times, partly because I hate big crowds, and partly because sometimes my gut feeling tells me to just go there as the people there need me more. Somehow it just sounds like I'm starting to give a shit here again eh?

Damn I sound so fucking contracdicting la, am I two-faced? Do I have split personality? Or perhaps I'm just fickle-minded?

Then again, I think I don't really understand myself well at times also hmm.. Do I give a shit about others feel or not? If so, why do I seem to piss people off sometimes when I do stuff when I dont mean to? Oh wait I know, perhaps I'm just plain dumb ba, to actually be immersing myself in to much fun that I forgot how the other person is feeling, now that I think about it, the only few times I piss people off is when I am having too much doing something to them that probably dosen't appeal to them yeah?

Ok fine, on a different note, I've been feeling a little grouchy/angsty/cranky nowadays for no apparent reason, well maybe there is but I cant seem to work out one that really gives me the right to act this way anyway. I think I really do get appeased really easily though, like a simple gesture would just make me forget all about it (for awhile), or perhaps just filling up my tummy? Maybe its because I have been spending more than I can earn nowadays, on stuff that I should spend on but not spam on. Bad pun, but I mean it, like spamming food, drinks, and c**gs, and a little on travelling nowadays.

I wish I had more money, who dosen't right?

The reason I'm blogging today, now that I think about it, is because I was supposed to be talking to someone on the phone but I believe I somehow pissed her off/turned her off/(Something Negative). So yeah, fml, see what I mean by not giving a thought about others? I really wanna apologise but however if I did I would definately love to say the reason why I did so, and when I do, I can already forsee myself saying a load of things that would DEFINATELY not be pleasing to her ears and therefore, pissing her off/turning her EVEN more off/(Something Negative x2) once more.

So.. yeah, I think the issue lies within me somewhere though, perhaps I am not the gentleman or friend everyone is looking for, I mean, I would love to be, but if everyone could be who they loved to be, there would be no one outstanding anymore other than the person with the best imagination around is there?

I'm babbling like I always do. I wish I could babble to you instead of using my fingers to type on this stupid keyboard arghhhzxc.

As much as I know it's wrong for me to do so, I wanna lose my sleep for you. :(

Why cant a there be more hours in the day?

But then if there was, I'm sure people would still be complaining and asking for EVEN more hours in a day so.. yeah.

Babbles.