Reflection.

Sometimes I lie on my bed and I start to reflect on the mean things i've done to others when I was younger. Ohh such foolishness..

Imagine if I was more tolerant and kinder to others, I'd be such an awesome guy by now. Guess I can only remind myself to not repeat my stupid antics again now that I'm older huh.

Forgiveness is hard to come by man. I need to learn to have a bigger heart. After all even till today I can't seem to be able to draw a line between forgiving and forgetting. Aren't those two kinda interlinked? Like would you be able to trust someone again after they've fucked you over? If not, does it really count as forgiveness? Ah fuck it i'm not wise enough to answer that yet perhaps one day when I'm older I'll come back here and update this post with what I've learnt.

But on a side note I am deeply sickened by human beings. This survey that I have conducted till now has really showed me how fucked up some people are on the inside. When they need you they'll come to you with smiles and shit but when they don't they won't even give two fucking hoots about you. Even when you make an effort to try and reconnect most of the time they'll just ignore you because they don't have a "need" for you right now. Pretty fucking sickening right? At the end of the day. It really is imperative that we depend on ourselves. Values like friendship and the like mean little to many of us and it's making people like me who actually give a shit to start losing hope as well. Terrible right? How as we grow older we get influenced by all these disgusting behaviors around us and the most direct way to counter that is to join in and be a social parasite as well? Maybe that's why the bible says that we are all sinners but then again I might just be bitching cos I'm really fucking sick of this nonsense right now. I've never really wanted to admit it to myself but I guess I have to. It's time to really cut people loose. Just like how we are pretty much useless to each other, we might as well not stay close yknow?

Blogging is pretty cool huh! Back in those days people prolly needed a pen and a paper to even jot down their thoughts but now it's just a few presses on your magical device and viola! You've just made a journal entry! What a wonderful and scary time we are living in indeed.

Now that I think about it I haven't had BK in awhile. mm tendergrill~

I might never become someone great, or someone who's well-acclaimed by the world. But that doesn't really matter.

If I could just make the people around me happier or better off, that would be good enough for me. My own little piece of paradise hahaha.

School in 7 hours time and i'm left with 5 hours to sleep. Fml.

Random 4am rant

So its almost 4am now and i'm wide awake. Even watching youtube isn't really helping.. Fuck if this keeps up i'm going to fall asleep in class tomorrow again. Worst part is that tomorrow both lectures seem to be quite important cos the lecturers might touch on the upcoming online test or the online acct assignment.. Funny how I always get insomnia the day before my lessons. Pls god don't make me fall asleep in class :( Can't seem to be able to study properly for the past few days either. Hopefully that'll get better once classes start tomorrow or something :/

Shall go play some dota now. I actually remember falling asleep for like 10 mins before waking up to turn off my phones video cos it was too noisy. But after I turned it off I can't seem to fall back asleep #fuckedup 

I really can't wait to graduate and start "adult life" being a student is pretty slack and all but I really wanna start earning me own keep soon :( Haven't even started applying for my drivers licence yet too..

Haven't seen yongjie in ages wonder how he's doing

No chill

I can't seem to take things easy as well as I could in the past. What the fuck is happening to me I don't like this new me. But maybe this isn't that bad at all? Maybe I've been too easy going to the point of sloppiness in the past so this just my instincts trying to make up for all the lost time? Idk what I'm babbling about la hahaha!!

I don't know how to go back to who I used to be. Fuck.

I need to exercise man :(

Everyday

Everyday, we walk past thousands of people, each with the potential to become your friend, your foe, or even your lover. Each with their own stories to tell, their own hardships to undergo, and their own accomplishments. The world is amazingly huge isn't it? Yet for some reason, at least in the Singaporean culture, we just walk past everyone each day without even making the effort to converse or build bonds with them.

I remember one time on a Sunday evening when I was on my way to book in to Sungei Gedong, i was happily sitting and playing my phone, not having a care in the world when I suddenly got the feeling that the kid beside me was watching the contents on my phone, which was probably just "Cookie Run" or something? I'm ashamed to say that the first emotion I felt was irritance, that my privacy has somehow been invaded although ironically,  i was in public. I turned around with a fairly annoyed look on my face, and there it was, a teen around 13-15 engrossly staring at the little gingerbread man running in my Samsung note 3. I kept looking at him, hoping he will notice that he's being watched and would eventually turn away due to awkwardness when he finally looked at me and said "Hey, what game is this?" in a rather curious, amicable tone. Something I've never expected from a stranger especially from someone who is "rudely invading your privacy". In that moment, all my annoyance vanished into thin air as I was approached with affability. It was then I realized that I had unknowingly became a grouche due to social standards of "Minding your own business when you're on public transport". Feeling ashamed, i responded and started having a conversation with this pleasant boy. I think I did a pretty good job hiding my shame though! We had a good conversation about our plans for the future and eventually parted ways when he reached his station.

As it turns out, this boy was from a school that was catered to kids with learning disabilities. Which kinda came to me as no surprise because no "normal singaporean" in this day and age would engage in a conversation like that with a stranger in a public transport, not unless you're an elderly who is asking for directions and just happen to drift into another conversation or something. (I've had a few encounters with them before, contrary to what many of our parents taught us, I actually enjoy talking to strangers from time to time.)

That kid had something that a lot of us has lost. The purity of the heart to just approach another human being without the fear of being reproached. Sad right? Our generation has became so pathetic that it takes a kid from a special school to create bonds with others while the "normal" ones like us gotta just stick to being stuck in our own little virtual world through a device no larger than a brick. This kid has balls man!

Perhaps one day our social norms might change again, perhaps into one more positive in the sense that using your phone on public transport would be considered rude instead as you're shut off from the world and people would start knowing each other more through actual conversations. Wouldnt that be awesome? :D

Oh yeah, happy valentines day! :)

Busy

Been really busy for the past few weeks, working, studying, catching up with old friends.. Oh and I'm meeting Zul tomorrow after like years? It's at "OutBar" which is a gay bar I think but that's alright! Never really been to one so I guess it's an experience?

I've been thinking a lot about the nature of human beings, Glenn told me today that a life without religion is a life not worth living, well I guess I kinda get where he's coming from. And sometimes I find myself being a christain by name only; like yknow, i'm having doubts about the existence of christ all the time. Even till today. But im sure there is a god somewhere, someone looking out for be if not I'd be dead a million times before I can even hit 23 given the way I act and behave.

In a part of the bible it was stated that we are all born sinners, which was really interesting and hard to swallow for some but it got me thinking, the bible might not be that far off from the truth huh!

How many of us have lied without even anyone teaching us just because it was the convenient thing to do? How many of us has killed an insect just because it was an eyesore? And how many of us has done bad things while others aren't looking or even bear false witness against your neighbours? (I never hor.) All these things weren't taught by someone else in my opinion. So doesn't that mean that it's nature rather than nurture? All humans are selfish deep down. If so, how do I explain love? Do we love someone else because of the things they bring to the table? Like how a kid loves his mum for providing him with food/shelter/love while the mum loves him because he is essentially a "part of her"? Procreation is after all human's way of trying to cheat death is it not? To create new life before your own ends and educate it to be someone like you or better?  Is selfishness sinful? Even I dare not confidently answer that with a yes.

Ah, insomnia thoughts again. I got more important stuff to work on than to ponder bout things I can't solve man. Let's wore on becoming better in every aspect this 2015! :)

Get well soon mat, don't die on me.

So I just killed a mosquito..

I guess it's been awhile since I've last blogged after I ord-ed huh. Well life's been pretty good to me! Found a part time job with good pay and flexible timing, managed to travel to bkk with my best friends, enrolling into RMIT and seeing a few of my old friends. I guess life is really good!

Today while I was at the washroom, I instinctively killed a mosquito which was near the sink. And it got me thinking. "Why did I do that?". Was it because it was "Intruding into my territory?". Well if that's so it justifies my killing to a certain extent right? Like how animals often get attacked when they enter another being's area. But thinking back. Wasn't it us humans who build these concrete fortresses everywhere and claim it as our own? Aren't we the invaders claiming the nature habitats of these creatures and they're merely trying to co-exist with us an make do with their new living environments because they can't kill us off?

I was suddenly reminded of the fact that the reasons why insects are so small is because of the density of oxygen or something like that on earth. If there was more oxygen it is said that the size of insects would increase accordingly. Whoa that'd be like living in those old horror movies where people battle giant bugs n shit. Sigh. I guess I'm thankful for the size of the insects on earth.

Stupid insomnia making me think up of all these random stuff in the wee hours of the night. I wonder if technology is such a good thing after all huh! If I didn't have my phone with me would I be awake now? Sigh I'm such a slave to my phone :(

Wow this photo is really huge! I took this on my first day of uni thouhh hopefully it'll mean something when I get older :/