To Van

 It made me really happy that you've bothered reading every post up till this one.

I hope the Dun that you know today is more mature than the one you've come to know through all these old posts.

I think almost everyday I tell you how much you mean to me and other mushy stuff, so I'll save those comments between ourselves, but I do love you very very much!

Let's grow old together. 💘

Yes it's two ugly photos of us cos I don't know where else to put these pics. So here you go HAHAAHAH (I only post non-insta/social media worthy photos here. Sorry!)

My new years resolution is to change my phone

 Because my phone nowadays is essentially a brick at times due to it not having any service from time to time, I'm now stuck here jotting down my shitty experience with my shitty phone.

A few months back in March, I made the stupid decision to get a phone off the internet, and only 6 short months later I'm paying the price for it, my mobile data has been going on and off for whenever my "phone" feels like it.

Upon a few weeks of getting this new phone, the fingerprint unlock service just mysteriously became unable to use after an update, I should've taken it as a sign then.

Finally changing it at Junda's shop soon tho, guess all is well. :)

Mum took this photo of me a few hours back, she's rly sweet.

Nosebleed

 There's blood in my mucus today, this happens sometimes but I am still quite concerned.. I have drank enough water and I was eating relatively clean. Perhaps I've over smoked?

I hate how as we get older our body starts breaking down little by little, having just recovered from food poisoning I was bedridden for 2 days, spending my day just shitting and sleeping away, I'm not as "ok" as I used to be..

Photo dump from a year ago, I think we were celebrating my colleague Roz's birthday.

Dealing with someone who believed they're above everyone else

Lying to yourself that you are better than others, and refusing to see blatant truths is really pathetic. No one is perfect, but giving "advice" when you actually seek to serve your own weird agenda is manipulative af and it makes you look like an even bigger loser when people see it clearly. It's an ugly world we live in. You're ugly inside and out.

I've also come to realize that anger is really infectious, if someone is living a shitty life, they sometimes cope by belittling others in hopes to elevate themselves. Maybe there's no need for me to be that kind anymore, afterall bad deeds seem to often go unpunished nowadays.

I think the least I can do is to try not to be too much of a people pleaser anymore and just disengage immediately from any future situations that are similar, no matter how "off-character" it might seem. 

Yeah, this post is a little cryptic, kinda made it that way though. Till next time!

Dumping a photo here cos I lost my Twitter password.

December update

 Life has been pretty good lately, sweet home (a webcomic that I read online) is available on Netflix so that's pretty great.

Apart from that, I think I need to work on myself more. In every aspect. 

I'm sleepy now. Goodnight world!

Catcat, I miss you so, thanks for being brave and always loving us.

Bad first quarter.

I'm tired, my office cat is dying. Covid isn't getting any better and everyone in the office is busy n stressed as fuck and i don't have enough time to spend with my family n friends. Im coughing up blood in the morning (prolly not covid) at times. Maybe this is how my story frickin ends.

Well, even if it ends, its probably not gonna be significant anyway. Ive long made my peace with that.

I just want to sleep for a long time and not wake up for a while. But i gotta hold on for a little while longer, at least for now.

Peace out homos. I miss being young n stupid n brave.

I love animals more now

Through my employment at Monster Image i realize I've learnt how to love animals a lot more now, which is a great thing. The sucky thing is now whenever i come across a sad post about animal cruelty and similar content, i can literally feel my heart aching.

It sucks to feel stuff.

Damn no mood la

Slept at a pretty regular hour as usual but i woke up dreading to go work. Perhaps its because of the countless amount of stuff i gotta finish up with today like emailed several flights to either cancel/reschedule them, maybe film a new ad, and edit some podcasts. I find myself just sitting at the toilet, not wishing to move. Damn i rly need to go get ready soon before I'm late.

I think i need a few days away from work, i love my job, nothing really went wrong there, but I just want to rest. Fuck this covid-19.

Finally done with uploading almost all of the nonsense vids from my phone here ahah!

Strange recurring dream

I realize everytime i sleep  fortoo long, i'd have this really strange recurring dream where I had to go back to my old secondary school to study for maths to pass my O levels because i somehow failed it a long time ago and there was a system error that gave me a wrong grade, rendering my diploma and degree invalid until i pass it. It was on every Thursday and on days when i do find time to go back to school, I'd meet my old friends Melvin and Muzakir, and maybe even Alicia at times. I would at times climb through a gate because i was late. It's so goddamn bizzare i feel like every week this dream happens at least once and I always get stressed out about it in my dreams cos I couldn't make time for school. Silly dream eh? Wonder wtf it means.

Work has finally slowed down recently, although there are some impending crisis that are out of my hands. I pray that everything goes well this month. Its been a little draining to say the least.

First breathe

Suddenly having little work waiting for me after months of slogging feels a little odd. I guess its a breathe of fresh air but i find myself sitting in the toilet blogging away for abit. Its a friday and i have no plans after work but somehow i find that more of a relief. Hope that coronavirus goes away soon man. I don't want it to ruin my korea travelling plans. There's no deaths in Singapore as of now but i know for sure people are gonna go nuts once someone dies. Ah well..

Random flashback

As I alighted from Redhill to head to the office as usual, I am suddenly struck with a random flashback. It wasn't the first time I have thought about the same thing when I walk past this certain exit on the train station though, pretty interesting how our memories work doesn't it?

I was briefly brought back into a time before I even entered the army, I think I was still in poly back then? And I had to go to this location for my first army test, the kind where they test your intelligence (to a certain extent through lame quizzes), and health. I remember making a friend back then, I couldn't remember his name except that he was Malay and my age, we snuck out for a quick smoke break in between the tests, and at the end of the whole session we both walked back to Redhill MRT exit B to catch our respective trains home. I remember us buying drinks at the nearby cheers and sitting around to smoke a few more sticks just to chill with this dude that I know I'll probably never meet again nor recognise if I ever ran into him. It had to be a fairly nice moment seeing how I remember this incident even years after the encounter.

It's nice to reminisce on the old simpler days though. With the stress of adulting on our asses every single day, I can't help but look back and just feel fairly relieved that I've made many great memories through these short 28 years on earth. (It's a weird phrase I know. But whatever man hahhah)

I'm only posting a lot of videos involving YiRui because of the spam she sent me years ago ok. Finally clearing it off my phone and storing it here instead.

Worst Jan ever

Impending world war, countries on fire or flooding, volcano exploding, a virus that may wipe us all out, colleagues' parents sick, cat had cancer, feeling slightly burnt out from work, and I'm nowhere near the financial goal I set for myself.

All these and it ain't even Feb yet. Things will get better. I hope I can get a more positive outlook on life after I rant here.

I think this vid was taken close to a year ago? Man, time flies so fast soon I'll be 30 before I even know it.

2am thoughts

Browsed through Instagram today and saw familiar faces, and I think to myself about how ironic life sometimes can be, one moment a person that's feared by others can suddenly have their lives sink into chaos the next. It's so sad watching people you know fall into certain depravity but hey, I guess that's what life is about right? The future is always ever so unpredictable. I can only hope mine turns out for the better cos to be honest, life is pretty good except for certain thoughts that creep into my head from time to time.

Gonna travel to HK soon for some shoot, then Hanoi and Genting afterwards. 2019 is easily the year that I travel the most thus far. Gotta try harder to save money though.

Throwback to some cringey stuff my company people were doing while we were in New Rod Fai market wahaha

Void

I feel kinda empty inside at times, and that used to bug me a lot, it still bugs me at times now, but at least I'm learning to live with this feeling of emptiness and "boredom". I'm glad my friends are still sticking it through with me though that really makes me happy :)

I love you mum and dad, thanks for catering to my nonsense demands at times :)

Kinda asking for it

Listening to sad songs to make yourself sadder is such a stupid idea hahaha!

Heard this Ed Sheeran song on the radio today at work that reminded me of her again cos it was the song that I used to make some silly video for her. Fuck man it made me wanna scream out loud but I couldn't cos I was at work. Spent the next few hours thinking about miserable thoughts.

I can't bring myself to block her on social media, I'm not strong enough, nor do I hate her. So there's really no reason to do so, right?

No one gets through life unscathed.

Going to Thailand with this bunch in less than 10 hours. 

Maybe we'll never get better.

Every time I see a wholesome meme or picture that I used to be able to relate to, or have that special someone to share it with, it makes me want to scream out of frustration. I am so fucking angry and sad and I don't know how to deal with it because she ain't coming back and there's nowhere for me to rant but here.

Fuck why she gotta be like that. Why can't love just be love? Fuck this feeling of helplessness la.

At least I still have a loving family, that counts for something I guess. 

Loss

They say nothing can steal the love you're born to find.

I really don't know if that is true anymore. I thought I found the woman I love and it's hard to shake this feeling of loss away. I have my heart to this special lady I loved, and I don't regret it a single bit.

But it really fucking hurts, it hurts to realize that you're just not good enough, I hate my own flaws, I hate my laziness, but despite all this I truly truly loved Shermane. I tried to give her the best I could afford to give, and we have grown so much together and I will always be grateful for that.

But now we have somehow grown apart and it is tearing me apart every single day, some days it gets really bad I have to let it out here on this blog because this is where I feel where I can be as emotional and irrational as I can be without judgement or interruption, at least until someone reads this and thinks less of me. But fuck it.

I am afraid that I will never be as happy as I used to be anymore, and that I'll just become another face in the crowd in this cold, unyielding world where we pretend and pretend every single day until we die.

I don't know how to be happy anymore, at least not the same kind of happy that I'm used to, and somehow there's a nagging feeling that everything is only going to get worse years from now.

Guess life really fucks us all huh?

Difficult

Because my life has been so smooth sailing, a problem like an impending breakup is difficult for me.

Me and Shermane are currently on a break, and it seems like she is having a really hard time on her own and it's stressing her out, she probably doesn't want to rant to me but maybe that unfamiliarity of not having me around is making it worse.

I've always doubted that she has depression and was pretty mad at the neighborhood doctor when he prescribed her pills. But now I am so afraid. I don't know what I can do to help her out in this period cos it seems like it's just going to add pressure no matter what I say or do. Tomorrow is Shermane's birthday and I don't think I should do anything, it's probably what she would have wanted. I love her more than anyone else apart from my parents, and I hate this feeling of helplessness where I have to be patient, and wish that she can get better on her own.

It's hard to sort your head out in a week, but I pray that a miracle will happen. :)

Why can't we humans be simple like cats? 

I dreamt a meme or something wtf.

So recently I thought it'd be nice to list down what I have dreamt the night before.

I dreamt about this serial murderer who has a grudge against me, and one day after I sent Shermane away from my house, I tried to call her and she didn't pick up, I instantly thought that the serial killer might have gotten her and I kept spam calling her along with my mother in the dream hahaha!

Sometime later I dreamt of a ''meme" where a car was rolling down a flight of wide stairs in the background while some black female hollywood star was nonchalantly waving to her fans in the foreground while walking up the same stairs. Wow.

Went to visit little Raifa on sunday with Shermane and my colleagues, she's so cute!

Unfollowers on instagram

I recently found out that certain people have unfollowed me from their social media account. Which thankfully are people are are fairly irrelevant so that's nice.

Being 26, I guess I shouldn't be affected too much by this but it made me think, perhaps I haven't been doing much to maintain certain relationships as much, and they probably made the correct choice by removing me since I genuinely wouldn't give two shits if they died tomorrow anyway, yeah I'm harsh I know but oh well. (One of them is some young punk of Nicol's ex. The ex herself has issues anyway LOL)

Okay I guess im a little salty but. I'm glad at least I still have Shermane haha!