Monday, October 13, 2014

Serenity

There's something about this wilderness, the quietness, the lack of distractions, the dirt and bugs, it's oddly serene when you're left with only you, your thoughts and the sound of nature.

Today is the first day of my company's last mission, having not been in the forest for at least a year, everything feels so new and fresh to me. So this is what a combatant goes through regularly huh. If there's anything army has taught me, it has taught me to be braver, to not blindly fear authority and to have the guts to do what's necessary to attain what you have to. So I guess they're right huh! You do mature when you go through NS, i just probably chose a different path from the rest. While I still abhor the idea of conscription, I'm thankful nonetheless.

Insomnia still sucks really bad though, too bad kimsiang is asleep and Eugene isn't around as well to keep my company through the night when the view is exceptionally beautiful tonight. I guess thats how our ancestors used to live huh! Away from all this concrete jungle and all. I wonder what was going through their head back in those days..

Well, at least I know this is indeed the final milestone that I have to undergo before I step into the adult world. God, there's still so much stuff I have to work on.. What happened to all those dreams I used to have? They seem so far away now.. Maybe I'm just too lazy for my own good after all?



Enjoying every moment for now, it's sort of therapeutic even. Let's hope I can come out of this alive and wiser hahaha.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Ball and chain

You still pop up on my social media from time to time. And it appears that you're doing much better than you did one year ago. I'm really glad for you.

I try to not let myself think above my love life in general cos there is enough on my plate the way it already is, my cousin's wedding video, the jobs I might want to take up when I ORD, the upcoming bkk trip, and perhaps being there for some friends who at the moment, really need me so much that it would just be plain rude if I burdened them with my own thoughts right now. I guess blogging is the only viable option now no?

I guess I have to face the facts, i was a burden to you, a mistake you made. I was at most a passing moment, with nothing to contribute but my own selfishness. While I might not have ill-treated or cheated on you, I also wasn't able to provide what you truly needed. It's sad really how much pain motivates you to strive to become someone better. To break out of your usual pattern and make something of yourself.

I used to think that the key to happiness is to be content. I still do now but what I did not consider back then is how being contented actually takes away all your motivation to improve yourself. Back then I had all I ever wanted, so why bother right? Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone but it definately did to me. While losing you was one of the biggest wake up call I've ever received, I wish I could have been wiser back then. Perhaps things might've been different then. I wish I could go back in time with all the experiences I have now and right my wrongs. But I can't.

The only thing left to do now is to grit my teeth and push on, but maybe for now, for tonight. I'd just like to wallow in self pity for just a little while more and fantasise about the things that could've been had I done something just a little differently. Pathetic. I should have been improving together with you and yet I dragged you down instead.

This won't happen again.


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

It's mind over matter, it always has been

Finally there's only a mere 94 more days till I ord, yet it still feels kinda long though.. They were right when they say you learn stuff during your NS days though. Although I took a really different path from most servicemen I did definately learn a lot too being at the bottom of the food chain most of the time. Seriously, there's this midget fucktard that thinks he's like some kinda badass and treats other ppl like garbage and other condescending pricks. I even suspect sometimes my cigarettes get stolen behind my back hmm.. Better educate my child properly lest they end up like those fucktards.

This NS thing has definately been the worst one year and ten months of my life definately. Probably cos I've been living really comfortably before this huh? I've witnessed the ugly side of human nature and definately some good as well. They say you'll learn discipline when you're in NS, but I disagree. The kind of discipline they educate in NS is simply just obeying orders through and through and getting fucked if you don't. That's not what discipline is to me at all. To me, discipline is about being able to decipher what's right and doing it despite it being uncomfortable or tough. While it may differ from person to person what "the right thing to do" is. I'd like to believe that I've done right by myself. And blindly obeying nonsense just really doesn't suit me, so as long as my actions don't affect others negatively, I've definately not let myself down. And that to me, is discipline. To not just blindly obey rules but do things that might not benefit yourself just so others won't have to suffer.

Anyway I've been blabbering for long enough, really can't wait to ORD so that I can move on to more important things in life like studying, getting my drivers' license, going overseas to experience the world etc etc.

Just finished watching Howl's moving castle as well, Studio Ghibli's works are indeed amazing!


Monday, August 18, 2014

A miserable attempt at poetry

Twas a Sunday Night, a day of despair
For the recruits in tekong, as they had no hair.
As they prepare to rest, feeling homesick already.
Some comforted themselves that they're succeeding their daddy.

"Go make me proud, my beloved son."
"You're not a man yet but soon you will be one."
While some families put more emphasis on pride and honour,
Others wished they hadn't a son, but instead a daughter.

For parting ways with family is never easy,
Not just for the procreators, but also their baby.
I remember feeling brave yet fearful, dreadful yet excited.
On that fateful day i was emotionally divided.

After I said my goodbyes, it started to pour.
Seriously, it rained. Tekong looked like a reservoir.
And so I was drenched then brought to my platoon.
I recall telling myself "All these will be over, and it will be over soon."

Greats adventures followed, countless bonds were forged.
I've made many friends in Tekong, none were named George.
But for now, let's skip one year ahead.
For my time is limited, and there's more important things to be said.

In a bunk at Gedong, a lone boy reminisces.
Of the simpler days before NS where he spent each day with his missus.
Gone were the happier days of the past.
The boy now understands that nothing truly lasts.
Not NS, not relationships, and definitely not baths.
That made no sense but still, it kinda does!

The boy was mad, his blood was boiling.
What's the point of all these meaningless toiling?
If nothing ever lasts then there's nothing left to say.
Does that mean that we're all surviving day to day?

They say to serve is to be proud of your nationality.
But all I hear is, conscription is a crime against humanity.
But what's done is done, what's past is past.
Holding grudges is pointless, the die has been cast.

And while nothing is permanent, I dare say this.
Does it really matter as long as you've felt bliss?
We all have to go some day, as all humans do.
So why not make the most of it, and smile all the way through?

Good times may pass, but so do the bad.
With that in mind there's no time to be sad.
All that's left is to make life worthwhile.
Cherish the ones you love, and forgive the vile.

For I ponder when my time comes;
Would I remembered as a saint? Or abhorred like a scum?
There's no shame in making mistakes.
But what you do afterwards, and how you compensate.

And as always, I yearn to be stronger.
In many different aspects and in no particular order.
I wonder how I'd feel when I read this ten years from now.
Would I be disappointed? Or did I keep to my vow?

Or would I mock myself for being a fool?
To consider this a motto when my "big picture" was in fact, miniscule?
Youth is a treasure, and time is my asset.
With that in mind, it's time to play life's roulette.

q
Sighh I kinda miss my fat kid.  Last time I saw him he got a hell lot more irritating though :/

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Hi, I am Beckham!

After the dance, I didn't even want you number back then after you told me you were of a different orientation. I was dismayed, but I thought I'd never see you again after that night. Who would've known that we would hit it off so well afterwards for a short period of time before things went south? What was I thinking? Did i subconciously regard myself as some sort of hero who would help you regain your faith in guys again? Pfft what a chauvinist Dun. I guess I kinda fucked that up as well anyway. I really didnt mean to, but I doubt you'd believe that.

Because the truth of the matter is, although we didnt spend much time together before things went to shit, I was really fond of you despite knowing that I shouldn't. Till today sometimes I think back and wish that things would just have been a little different. You're just so frickin adorable at times I really wanted to fight back the urge to just give you a great big squeeze on the cheek for you just being you.

Even if I could turn back time, I would still do what I did. I just wished that you would've understood why.

I really have a knack for making the people i'm fond of hate me to the core in the shortest time possible. I wonder how I can make a living with this talent.

I guess at the end of the day it just means that I'm still not good enough, time to work on getting stronger again.

Srsly though I need a new effin wallet.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Dumb moves

Sometimes i question myself, where do I truly belong? Been making a lot of stupid moves recently and i'm kinda sick of it. It's time to be less open to everyone about some stuff I swear and keep my emotions in check -.- I have no idea when this happened, but my tolerance for people is getting really low recently. Needa keep myself in check. I'm not strong enough to throw tantrums yet, or issit because the ones who are truly strong don't really throw tantrums hmm?

I kinda regret being too harsh. But at least I learnt sth from it no?

So anyway You Ming made this, and i'm just lying on my bed blogging away on my phone :/

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

A Tuesday Midnight Post

So i'm in camp and insomnia hit me again.. No surprise there.

Today you've been running through my mind a lot more than usual. Idk why it's not like I know we are going to ever get back together or anything I guess it's just a lot of subconscious reminiscing on my part? It's like whatever i'm doing my brain just somehow finds a way to tap into a memory of us or something. Pretty messed up stuff..

Sometimes I wish I could rant stuff like this to people instead of blogging it out yknow? But then I think again and I realize that even if I did, it probably wouldn't help that much either and somewhere deep down I'd probably expect them to comfort me to a certain extent instead. That'd be too selfish really.

Tomorrow is the start of my first duty for my final 4ntm! I guess this means that i'm another step closer to ord? Finally my ns story is ending. This phase of life has really brought me too much grief really. Sigh I sound like some pampered boy but whatever k. Can't wait for my dental checkup at Kranji Camp on Wednesday too! I know, my life is so friggin boring that i'm looking forward to a dental checkup. :(

On the plus side, I'm slowly but steadily becoming a "stronger" person each day and that motivation is only growing as time passes, I pray that doesn't die down though. Yeah I know growing stronger is a really vague term, what I'm trying to say is that i'm constantly thirsting for knowledge nowadays yknow? Ah screw it why am I explaining myself on my blog :/

Seriously though I needa get my drivers license fast.

Oh yeah and Yiling is having a baby boy! Time really flies man..