Annoying woman

So the new year has been really kind to me so far..

I met a really great girl with an even greater personality and I hate to admit it, but I'm really into her, and for some weird reason she like me too. The weirdest part is, she somehow doesn't realize that she's out of my league.

There's still so much for me to learn! But I really gotta quicken my learning process man. Too much things to improve on, too little time :(

Oh nicol, why you so busy we need to meet soon I have so much stuff to tell you :(

I'm turning into a potato

I feel like I've kinda lost my drive for school this week. Really hope that I can somehow buck up next week when I get my notes (yeah I know it's somewhat of an excuse)

So many things I need to do and yet I choose to relax all day and use my phone all night. I don't know what's gotten over me. Maybe it's because I've been too used to a certain kind of lifestyle and when things suddenly have to get done I just keep procrastinating and procrastinating? This has to stop man. I'm turning into some weird sort of couch potato.

Maybe my focus was wrong, time to tune myself back onto the right track.

I kinda wanna go drinking again but my wallet says no.

Documentaries

So I just got back to sg, and the first thing I did when I laid down was to spam YouTube videos, until I eventually got drawn into a series of documentaries, and it helped me remember the attraction I used to have for them.

Every time I watch an informative video, I realize that the world is really larger than we perceive, yet at the same time relevant. It makes you understand that at the end of the day that we are but a tiny droplet in a seemingly boundless ocean, each retaining their individuallaity but at the same time, moving towards a certain direction. While I think that watching films like this gives me a bigger picture of the world in some sense, it also somehow distorts my perspective on many everyday things. One of the most obvious one being our perspective towards an issue/object/person.

When something catches our eye, an impression is created based on what we notice and what our experiences have taught us. But many a time I fail to realize that what we see barely scratches the surface of the underlying stories and intention of the "participant". But removing your personal views into every judgement is near impossible, be it whether it's one of disdain, compassion or perceived emphathy But I guess I've learnt one thing today from my midnight documentary adventure, and that is to not trust first impressions so much; and work on ourselves first because seriously, why bother trying to dig anything out when you know you'll never truly understand anyone or anything completely amirite? Not saying that I should be completely indifferent, just saying that I should place priority on things that I have more power on.

Anyway, happy new year! May 2016 be one where I can learn something new ever day! :)

Do these midnight rants even make sense?

Helpless

Ever felt so nauseously helpless about a situation where you know that whatever you do will only worsen it? It makes you question the choices you've made that lead up to this very moment, how everything was so obvious yet you chose to press on just because of your arrogance thinking that things will work out just because you've done your due diligence?

A few weeks ago I tweeted "I'm the one that decides what's worthy to me or not, and at the end of the day if it turns out to be my fault, so be it." I guess I was right huh. This is my cross to bear. I've told myself time and again to improve myself so that when someone comes along, I'll be good enough for her. But it isn't just that simple now is it. The chemistry between two people isn't something that can be so simply explained by saying who is the right fit for you and who isn't. It isn't an equation where you get a specific result based on the effort you've put in; or maybe it is, I'm just that bad at math then.

I am someone that does not deserve anything more than I currently have, to wish for anything more is not only stupid, but immensely greedy and arrogant. Perhaps the key to happiness at the end of the day is truly being content after all.

I wish I got to know you better. It's fine. I wish you both happiness :)

Habit

Insomnia hit me like a truck today, with 1.5 hours left before I leave for work and several hours of tossing and turning around, I can't seem to get myself to fall asleep despite my bed being more comfortable than usual.

The worst thing to think about before you sleep is always to think about how many hours you're left with before sleep. But somehow today I can't frickin get that out of my head apart from a million other things like the future, pokemon, and some really abstract shit. So here I am, blogging again .

I guess the office life isn't even enough to curb my irregular sleeping hours huh. Wonder what time will lunch be tomorrow hmm.. suddenly have the slight urge to apply for more leaves before school reopens but then again, I gotta at least make some plans first yeah? :)

Okay that's enough for today, I really wonder if I'm clinically diagnosed with insomnia or I just have a really fucked body clock. Hope it's the latter :(

On yeah congrats on your baby again Eugene! Can't wait to see him on the first month man! :D

This is good

I guess I did the right thing after all.. I've always known this was going to happen one way or another, sooner or later. At least it happened on my terms. It's good that it's at least come to a stop now, it is always easier to cut people out when you're annoyed, it leaves you with less time to think about other stuff. This will probably drive you all the way back to him, and that's what you know you've always needed.

Im glad I annoyed you :) I'm sorry this routine ended up like this, and I'm sorry I never got a chance to show you that I did truly care. I really really want it to, but it just really isn't what you want. People might think I'm giving up but no, I'm just letting go, because I'm just not good for you. At least not now. Please take care of yourself okay? :)

Sian la mob manning coming soon.

下雨的声音。

It's really magical how music works, it's able to trigger a certain thought, or a memory, or evoke a certain mood.

As I'm taking this long bus ride home, thousand of thoughts run through my mind. They aren't good thoughts. They remind me of the things I have lost, things that I could've avoided had I been a little smarter, a little less impatient, and a little more competent. And amongst all those bad thoughts, you were outshining every one of them.

I chanced upon your page today. And I saw that you were happy. I am happy for you, although a part of me inside ached. It was the same smile you gave me, the same warmth I felt back then. I'm really envious of him. I can picture you giving him the same look you used to give me, the same voice you would use when you want to snuggle up to me, the same smile that appears ever so randomly when I say or do something silly, the way you laugh when I do something even sillier, how your small hands would grip mine whenever you're nervous, or excited, or how you hugged me every so tightly as if you wanted to squeeze all the air out of my lungs, and all the things you've confided in me about, thinking that i'm your one place of solace. I recall the random thoughts we've shared, the past we shared with each other with so much detail, and the plans we made for the future.

And then I start to wonder, what did I ever do to even deserve a woman like you. And the answer was obvious. I didn't. I wish I could have given you so much more, and even now, I'm not even sure if I'm able to treat the next girl that comes along as right as you treated me. But that is okay. Because at least we have both learnt a lot from each other and I know I've become a better person for it.

And no, I do not want you back. I guess it's just that sometimes I tend to reminisce on my regrets, and till now, it's only you.

Come on sad music, this wasn't how I wanted to end my Sunday.

It's always when you're alone when your demons come out to face you. I guess imagination really is a double-edged sword.

I kinda miss school.