Void

I feel kinda empty inside at times, and that used to bug me a lot, it still bugs me at times now, but at least I'm learning to live with this feeling of emptiness and "boredom". I'm glad my friends are still sticking it through with me though that really makes me happy :)

I love you mum and dad, thanks for catering to my nonsense demands at times :)

Kinda asking for it

Listening to sad songs to make yourself sadder is such a stupid idea hahaha!

Heard this Ed Sheeran song on the radio today at work that reminded me of her again cos it was the song that I used to make some silly video for her. Fuck man it made me wanna scream out loud but I couldn't cos I was at work. Spent the next few hours thinking about miserable thoughts.

I can't bring myself to block her on social media, I'm not strong enough, nor do I hate her. So there's really no reason to do so, right?

No one gets through life unscathed.

Going to Thailand with this bunch in less than 10 hours. 

Maybe we'll never get better.

Every time I see a wholesome meme or picture that I used to be able to relate to, or have that special someone to share it with, it makes me want to scream out of frustration. I am so fucking angry and sad and I don't know how to deal with it because she ain't coming back and there's nowhere for me to rant but here.

Fuck why she gotta be like that. Why can't love just be love? Fuck this feeling of helplessness la.

At least I still have a loving family, that counts for something I guess. 

Kinda miserable

This past week has been pretty unbearable, my yearning for Shermane was so strong that it's starting to have this weird tight feeling in my chest whenever I think about her. I know it's pathetic, but I really really love her, and I don't know if I will ever get better, this one is different from my other exes, and to be honest, I just don't want to believe that she really chose to leave me because it was more convenient for her to use her single status for her upcoming projects. Was our love really just that cheap? I really feel discarded and it's killing me to doubt everything that we have ever been through. Are humans really able to just have a change of mind that easily? Fuck this. At least I'm getting better at keeping shit to myself at work so that's great.

Will I ever find someone that can relate to me the same way? I don't even really wanna go looking though. I am so fucked.

Which stage of grief is this?

She told me that if we had any issues in our relationshop, we should communicate. But in the end she chose to keep all her thoughts to herself, only telling me everything when it's too late.

Nigga why you do this? I really would have loved to work it out with you.

Idek what I'm uploading as a video but fuck it. Clearing stuff from phone.

Love is scary

I am unable to accept that Shermane is truly gone from my life now. We used to be so happy together, but because I am no longer able to inspire her, and have habits that irks her, we are no longer an item. I guess I should have put in more effort in improving certain aspects of my life, but I guess I really didn't think much of them until it was too late, since they are habits that I would change for my girlfriend. If I was left to my own devices, I'd be pretty happy with myself.

Of course, with that being said, I wish I heeded her advice more when she nagged at me instead of hoping that Shermane would come to accept me for me. But now that's all too late. I've lost this amazing girl due to my incapabilities once again and it really really sucks. :( I guess none of us should really be too comfortable.

I feel like shit, but whenever someone asks if I'm okay, in that slight moment, I do feel a little better and I'm inclined to tell them that I am, but the truth is once that moment is gone, I start feeling like shit again.

Also, my new computer's takes 4 mins plus to render a five second video even I cleared my cache, what the heck.

Goodbye my love, I really want you back but I doubt you'd wanna 

Loss

They say nothing can steal the love you're born to find.

I really don't know if that is true anymore. I thought I found the woman I love and it's hard to shake this feeling of loss away. I have my heart to this special lady I loved, and I don't regret it a single bit.

But it really fucking hurts, it hurts to realize that you're just not good enough, I hate my own flaws, I hate my laziness, but despite all this I truly truly loved Shermane. I tried to give her the best I could afford to give, and we have grown so much together and I will always be grateful for that.

But now we have somehow grown apart and it is tearing me apart every single day, some days it gets really bad I have to let it out here on this blog because this is where I feel where I can be as emotional and irrational as I can be without judgement or interruption, at least until someone reads this and thinks less of me. But fuck it.

I am afraid that I will never be as happy as I used to be anymore, and that I'll just become another face in the crowd in this cold, unyielding world where we pretend and pretend every single day until we die.

I don't know how to be happy anymore, at least not the same kind of happy that I'm used to, and somehow there's a nagging feeling that everything is only going to get worse years from now.

Guess life really fucks us all huh?