Worthiness

I think I like you.
When I'm with you i'm happy and scared at the same time.
Cautious, yet really careless.
Concerned, but really silent.
Patient and impatient concurrently.
Excited but calm (unwillingly).
Where do I stand? What must I do to get what I want? Would it be selfish if I told you what I was feeling when I'm unsure of so many factors? So much internal conflicts..

It doesn't make sense for me to feel the way I'm feeling now because the facts are laid out for all to see, yet there's this part of me that wishes that everything would go my way, how selfish. Is this what they call hope? Is being hopeful just another kind of selfishness?

I want to protect you. At least i'm sure of that. But am I even capable of doing that when I have a knack for destroying things when they get too close to me?

Hainan was fun, I miss Hainan. 

Memories of Ice Cream

I find myself becoming less eloquent compared to how I was before hmmm.. Like when I meet new people now I don't really see the need to make small talk and when I attempt to force topics out its just weird you know? Am I weird? :( Maybe I really am turning into an introvert..

Then again when I take a look at some of the people in camp I realize I can actually do alot worse, so I got that going for me I guess? About to go on my second guard duty shift in 10 mins time now. Worst part is Wei Ji doesn't seem to have money this month to help me purchase ciggs from outside camp. I'm a goner man I swear..

Recently watched a pretty decent fighting movie called "The Warrior" starring the same guy who played Bane in The Dark Knight Returns, not bad! Not just your everyday fighting movie where the storyline's so predictable n stuff.

That's him, the protagonist. I've ever actually played with a real slot machine before though hope I get to try it one day!

At the climax of this film the guy was pitted against his own brother in the finals, somehow seeing family fight like that i'm grateful that I had a loving, kind family you know? One of the few things that money can't buy :)

I remember once when I was a child my father got me an ice cream from a nearby parlour while we were in Bedok, i loved ice cream back then, it was probably vanilla or strawberry on a cone I think? Too bad that parlour is closed now. Anyway that day after my dad got me my ice cream, we were about to walk to the bus stop to go home. Just before I was about to take my first lick of this ice-cold treat, some guy (can't remember if he was a teen or not) bumped into my ice-cream holding hand causing it to go splat on the ground. I still remember that surge of anger and disappointment I felt back then, however, being a child I was not able to convey it nor control it and I burst into tears. How badly I wanted to go demand another ice cream from the giant that just robbed me of my treat but I was too afraid to. Sigh, if only I was braver like the power rangers I looked up too back then. It was probably an accident though but still geez..

Can't remember if my dad got me a new ice cream or not but im sure he remembers that fateful day as well! Heard him mentioning about it recently, shall ask him soon when I book out!

2 and a half men

Oh Charlie you humorous bastard.

So recently I've been pretty occupied in camp(not by choice), and I guess it isn't such a bad thing after all? In fact, like Sean said, I guess I'm becoming more comfortable with being alone. At least I get to catch up with all the good shows I've been missing out. Booking in nowadays has kinda became something I'm looking forward to because I get to catch up with me 2 and a half men and also some other great shows as well. Mostly old works of Christopher Nolan though, man that guy's a genius I tell ya!

Good lord is that Ken Jeong or whatshisname?

So anyway life's been picking up i guess? Feel kinda helpless about other's plight at times though. While I am available to lend them a listening ear, i cannot think of any possible solution that could ameliorate their situation. Sigh if only I was stronger...

Been reading my old posts lately and leaving "notes from the future" in them to my past self, it's a privilege for people like me with too much time on their hands I guess? I'm glad that I still haven't really changed much mentality-wise from then till now. Like i kinda stayed true to myself even till now yknow? It's interesting though to read back at posts 6 years ago looking at your past fears/concerns and realizing that none of them matters at your current point in life and how minute they seemed to when you compare the timeframe. Priorities do change huh! I wish I can look into the future at times though just to see what's in stall for me.

Preach dat shit Mr.rubrik cube!

I am sorry (An old draft I found hidden in this blog back in like 2008 september?)

I am sorry.

I am sorry for not studying my 2.5 hours total today. I only studied for 1 hour.
I am sorry for not reading the bible today.
I am sorry for being such an asshole in life.
I am sorry for indulging in all those fun and forgetting to study even though you asked me to.
I am sorry I made you cry.
I am sorry I do not understand how you're feeling from time to time.
I am sorry.
I really am.
I am sorry for letting you love me so much.
I am sorry for telling you I love you.
I am sorry for not being there for you all the time.
I am sorry for not messaging you sometimes.
I am sorry for not being able to abide by my vulgarity control.
I am sorry for not understanding your intentions from time to time.
I am sorry for disiaoing you from time to time and say things I really dont mean.
I am sorry for all those pain I caused you.
I am sorry for expressing out my thoughts to you.
I am sorry for not being able to control my passion.

I really am sorry. I really really am. I really really do love you so. I am not perfect. Yet you accept me for who I am. I am a big jerk. Yet you still love me for who I am. I make you cry. Yet you call me to tell me it is all alright. You are sad yet you put up a front just for me so I wont feel as sad. I am sorry... I really really am..

I am a troublemaker. I cause trouble everywhere I go. Yet you are willing to still bear with me and love me so. I really want to share all your troubles and solve them one by one. If I one day find out that I myself am the trouble. I will definately leave your life. No matter how much it pains me to. I will definately leave I one day become a burden for you. I am not the best looking person around and you still chose me.

Stop thinking you're in the wrong. You're NEVER in the wrong! I am a big jerk and all but really. I have never ever lied to you. Everything I have said was true. I really do love you so. I know your exams are here. And being right there for you will become a distraction. I shall leave till you call me back. I will miss you. But stop asking me to go find other girls just cos you have your limitations. You are my wifey for a reason. I love you. I dont care how chio or whatever how other girls look like. They might look better than you. They might be richer than you. Some might be nicer and kinder than you. But listen. I chose you for a reason. You give me warmth no one else could have. You affect my mood in a way no one else could have. Please. Stay in my life. One week of waiting is nothing.

Love does not require two to look at each other. But rather for two to look in the same direction. I love you. I will wait. I will endure. I will supress my desires. I will prove to others that I am worthy of you. Worthy of your tears.

It is now the year 2014, April 24th. This blog post was never published till now because at that time people were snooping around a lot on my blog and my relationship with Sofia was to be kept a secret back then due to her semi-psychotic parents. I think I kept it as a draft as sort of a letter to her as she had the password to my blogger back then? I did leave her in the end though. Because I guess back then I just wanted to "explore"  a little more and she just wasn't enough. She was a great girlfriend. And now she's probably graduating from her university and having a good relationship with her current boyfriend. So I guess things did turn for the better! Being stuck with someone that has lost their feelings for you is a painful thing, kinda like an emotional parasite. I'm glad I backed off back then even though it was really selfish. To whoever that might ever come across this in the future, do know that while two people can be crazily in love at a point of time, things just don't always turn out the way positively for this instance I'm the piece of shit that got bored of the relationship and threw away a really great girl! But that's for the better cos even till now as I am reading this, I cannot feel any form of passion for her, I do remember what it was like back then though! My state of mind, my priorities, my behavior and everything else. I was a good kid. I just got bored. But damn! I wonder where I got the last like about "love is about looking in the same direction" thing! That was smooth son!

~237

Turbo

In less than 24 hours time I'll be home chilling on my own bed wahaha!! Just finished watching the movie about a snail who has always been passionate about racing since young and somehow through a turn of events managed to get some nitro in his genes and turns super fast and stuff. Pretty good show man I love cartoons! They've even got Ken Jeong to voice an old lady and Samuel L Jackson and Snoop Dog to voice two of the snails!!

The protagonist Turbo, voiced by Ryan Reynolds

So there was this one part in the movie where Turbo's brother asks him what would he do if he lost his power tomorrow,  and he merely replied "Then I'll just have to make the most of today."

Turbo's friend/manager looks kinda like a grown up Mexican version of Russell from "Up" eh?

This is what I love about cartoons, at the end of every film there's always a positive moral you know? Like it kinda reminds us of the values that we should have to better ourselves. Who said cartoons are for kids eh!

Meeting Melvin and Carlotta for some beer tomorrow, can't wait! Hope I'll get to book out earlier than 6pm!! :D

Droning on and on about stuff 😒

Just finished watching Office Space, a really old show featuring Jennifer Aniston and a few other stars that I don't really know about, pretty funny! The humor I experienced watching this is a little different to the comedy we watch today. This show kinda feels me with the fear that my life could turn out like that in the future though, just another corporate lapdog stuck in a office day in day out.. Why can't I just be a pokemon master or something?

This was taken from "Pokemon Ranger and the Temple of the Sea" or something, pretty cute movie!!

So yeah, as you grow older you realize thst being "The very best like no one ever was" is easier said than done. I guess whatever you think you're good at doing, there probably will be thousands out there who are just as good and even more who could do better than you. But as I have always said, the key to happiness is to be contented with yourself. Does that make sense? Too bad not everyone sees it the same way as I age and I find myself becoming more and more reclusive due to a difference in opinion. Heck, im kinda sure "she" left me cos of that reason in a sense too? Like I don't have ambition or something?

Sigh this is a depressing topic, time to go watch another movie and gain some "knowledge". Oh! And I might be enlisting into RMIT soon along with Liang Yi!! Let's see how things turn out cos I'm still not sure if I should go in Jan or July hmm..

I'm hungry.. But I shall hang in there!!

He who runs the fastest, runs alone

I remember hearing this quote from a certain kids central cartoon about this main character owing a doll thar can shoot lightning, can't remember what it was but the quote has been stuck in my head even till today. Probably because it makes so much sense hmm..

I recently attempted to converse with a girl who was like waaaayyyy outta my league and it got me thinking, whoa I'm really really weak in so many aspects! While today's post isn't really about her I find myself feeling like some sorta manchild who has no clue on adulthood or what's going on around the world. It's harsh but true though. I guess I've really been spoon-fed lotsa stuff since young which is probably why I have the luxury to choose what I wanna learn/do most of the time and I guess I didn't exactly make the best choices? Gosh what general knowledge do I actually know?

Since young I've never been interested in watching the news, I've always felt that the news is just other people's businesses and I have no interest in theirs as much as they probably don't have any interest in mine. (Hey I was probably five then) I would much rather spend my time watching some pokemon cartoons or play with lego than to sit in from of the TV at 630pm to watch the news on channel 8 with my parents cos I found the news absurdly boring. I guess till today I still share these sentiments despite knowing all the perks of keeping up with the current affairs around the world. I just don't find it worthy enough to relinquish my time on it still. I guess that's kinda a bad habit huh? But ohwell # yolo.

I guess for me to actually commit to something, I have to at least have a slight interest in it first (duh). Like how nowadays I'm more into exercising than before because of my friends around me. I even managed to run 8km today around th camp woo!! Quite proud of myself really I've never done something like this in my life before! If I wanted to i'm sure I could be gone for another two clicks before I enfeeble myself hmm.. So there's that.

I guess friends do play a big part in my life huh? Like my actions would somehow be dictated by theirs. Funny how I don't see much of that from my parents, maybe it's cos they love me too much so much so that I don't see a need to partake in what they're interested in? Everything they have interest in just isn't as "cool". I'm so ashamed I think like this 😭 time to put in more effort/attention on them!! 😎

Anws I watched "Enders game" today and I must say, it's pretty good! Beyond whay I expected really!

Obviously this isn't a significant scene but whatever k get off my back geez..

Imma be booking out at 1030am tomorrow for my skin center's appointment!! Time to find out if there's actually anything wrong! Kinda looking forward to it! (it's weird I know, my skin looks like there's not problems right?)

Ah crap look at the time I gotta be falling in for breakfast in about two hours and twenty minutes time. Hope the sandman finds me soon!

The best part about blogging here is that there's no such thing as writing out of topic. 👍