Helpless

Ever felt so nauseously helpless about a situation where you know that whatever you do will only worsen it? It makes you question the choices you've made that lead up to this very moment, how everything was so obvious yet you chose to press on just because of your arrogance thinking that things will work out just because you've done your due diligence?

A few weeks ago I tweeted "I'm the one that decides what's worthy to me or not, and at the end of the day if it turns out to be my fault, so be it." I guess I was right huh. This is my cross to bear. I've told myself time and again to improve myself so that when someone comes along, I'll be good enough for her. But it isn't just that simple now is it. The chemistry between two people isn't something that can be so simply explained by saying who is the right fit for you and who isn't. It isn't an equation where you get a specific result based on the effort you've put in; or maybe it is, I'm just that bad at math then.

I am someone that does not deserve anything more than I currently have, to wish for anything more is not only stupid, but immensely greedy and arrogant. Perhaps the key to happiness at the end of the day is truly being content after all.

I wish I got to know you better. It's fine. I wish you both happiness :)

Habit

Insomnia hit me like a truck today, with 1.5 hours left before I leave for work and several hours of tossing and turning around, I can't seem to get myself to fall asleep despite my bed being more comfortable than usual.

The worst thing to think about before you sleep is always to think about how many hours you're left with before sleep. But somehow today I can't frickin get that out of my head apart from a million other things like the future, pokemon, and some really abstract shit. So here I am, blogging again .

I guess the office life isn't even enough to curb my irregular sleeping hours huh. Wonder what time will lunch be tomorrow hmm.. suddenly have the slight urge to apply for more leaves before school reopens but then again, I gotta at least make some plans first yeah? :)

Okay that's enough for today, I really wonder if I'm clinically diagnosed with insomnia or I just have a really fucked body clock. Hope it's the latter :(

On yeah congrats on your baby again Eugene! Can't wait to see him on the first month man! :D

This is good

I guess I did the right thing after all.. I've always known this was going to happen one way or another, sooner or later. At least it happened on my terms. It's good that it's at least come to a stop now, it is always easier to cut people out when you're annoyed, it leaves you with less time to think about other stuff. This will probably drive you all the way back to him, and that's what you know you've always needed.

Im glad I annoyed you :) I'm sorry this routine ended up like this, and I'm sorry I never got a chance to show you that I did truly care. I really really want it to, but it just really isn't what you want. People might think I'm giving up but no, I'm just letting go, because I'm just not good for you. At least not now. Please take care of yourself okay? :)

Sian la mob manning coming soon.

下雨的声音。

It's really magical how music works, it's able to trigger a certain thought, or a memory, or evoke a certain mood.

As I'm taking this long bus ride home, thousand of thoughts run through my mind. They aren't good thoughts. They remind me of the things I have lost, things that I could've avoided had I been a little smarter, a little less impatient, and a little more competent. And amongst all those bad thoughts, you were outshining every one of them.

I chanced upon your page today. And I saw that you were happy. I am happy for you, although a part of me inside ached. It was the same smile you gave me, the same warmth I felt back then. I'm really envious of him. I can picture you giving him the same look you used to give me, the same voice you would use when you want to snuggle up to me, the same smile that appears ever so randomly when I say or do something silly, the way you laugh when I do something even sillier, how your small hands would grip mine whenever you're nervous, or excited, or how you hugged me every so tightly as if you wanted to squeeze all the air out of my lungs, and all the things you've confided in me about, thinking that i'm your one place of solace. I recall the random thoughts we've shared, the past we shared with each other with so much detail, and the plans we made for the future.

And then I start to wonder, what did I ever do to even deserve a woman like you. And the answer was obvious. I didn't. I wish I could have given you so much more, and even now, I'm not even sure if I'm able to treat the next girl that comes along as right as you treated me. But that is okay. Because at least we have both learnt a lot from each other and I know I've become a better person for it.

And no, I do not want you back. I guess it's just that sometimes I tend to reminisce on my regrets, and till now, it's only you.

Come on sad music, this wasn't how I wanted to end my Sunday.

It's always when you're alone when your demons come out to face you. I guess imagination really is a double-edged sword.

I kinda miss school.

Choice of words

I guess perhaps I've been too careful with the words I choose, and that makes me look really distant sometimes.

I truly wish I knew how to help you, I wish I know the right things to say whenever you are down. I want to say things with no restraint but sadly, I know I can't. Because it won't work. It will only further throw you into your own cesspool of thoughts that you shouldn't have. And that's the last thing I want you do to.

I will be patient.

Can't wait to go on a short getaway soon. 

Biting off more than I can chew.

Fuck. I have work tomorrow and I'm only left with 4 hours to sleep yet i've been tossing and turning in bed for the past 2 hours. Seriously contemplating if I made the right choice to take up this job.

I really feel that although the enviroment is good and the workload seems alright, this job is really not suitable for someone with such a fucked up body clock like mine.. I don't see why I should be slogging so hard when i don't have to yet and this could more probably be my last year to kick back and relax before I enter the workforce for real.

I think I will tahan through the work tomorrow first before giving my answer on if I should continue. Should I stop now, i'd be considered as someone who easily gives up but on the other hand, why bother putting so much effort on something that you feel isn't worth your while? I'm seriously fucking torn man. My holiday is running out and is this really how I wanna spend it? Will my decision affect shu xiang's quota? I seriously need advice. And I'm pretty sure when shuxiang sees my text tomorrow im probably gonna get fucked again but im kinda ready for that I guess?

As of now my heart is really panning more towards quitting the job. Maybe it'll change tomorrow, maybe it won't. I seriously fucking hate this fucking insomnia man how is it possible that I can be sleepy during work and yet so energetic in the wee hours of the night?

I really hope that whatever choice I decide to make, the people around me will be supportive of me. I don't know when will the next insomnia strike and if my body can take it. Shit, I've seriously bitten off more than I can chew this time. I thought that perhaps if i woke up earlier, i'd be able to sleep earlier as well. Lesson fucking learnt. And to think that i blew so much money on a stupid fucking belt somemore. Good job ADP time to face the fucking music.

Maybe I should pick jobs that start and end at a later timing instead but that's kinda hard right? 

Tongue tied.

Have you ever wanted to say something but you can't really seem to find the right words? Well I have, and it kinda just happened a while ago.

I seem to have lose the ability to emphatise with a fellow human being, you know that's really something that's been bothering me for the past few days. I can never decide between saying the things that the other party wants to hear and saying the things that I feel that the party needs to hear (aka, my sincere input). And that really sucks you know? Like. Am I supposed to cheer you up? Or should I offer actual advise in hopes of you perhaps solving the situation at hand? Guess that's what feeling tongue tied must feel like. What I really want to achieve though, is to make whoever it is feel better and at the same time have a solution but its not always that simple to have the best of both worlds all the time now is there?

Maybe what people need most of the time is actually not advise nor words of comfort, but a listening ear. Yeah, now all I need to learn is how to shut my mouth instead of being so eager to share any opinions I have. That would be better right?

Seriously saaz, where are you when I need your advice on how to give advice? Hahaha get your ass back to SG faggit _!_