Letter

I was never good at expressing myself in this way really, but i'll try my best. This "letter" is meant for your eyes, but you'll probably never read it. But its also another reason why I'm writing it here in the first place.

Gosh i'm ironic... Ohwells.

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Heard you havent been studying as hard as you were the last time huh? Haha, hope you did enjoy the birthday present I gave you..

Erm.. Y'know, sometimes people just happen to think back about some other people in the middle of the night when they're really bored? I dont know why but I just really felt like blogging about you right now. Weird huh... Dont worry, this dosent mean I have any feelings for you or anything.. It's just... I'm thinking of you right now? Haha.. And I have this strong feeling that If I dont put this down somewhere where I can read it back again someday, it would become a lost memory. Not that it would be a pity or anything but.. Ah I donno la I just feel like writing it down. And my handwriting SUX.

...

Its really hard to express your feelings, even on keyboard. I guess I just dont have the ability to communicate with others how I really feel.

Like that statement above would help.. =.=

I still remember lor hor.. that first time i saw you? Was in KFC ba? When I was still friends with those people. When you were like the "Eeww.. I dont like coffee shop" type of person? Haha.. too pampered le la xiaojie..

I also thought you were the shy shy dont talk type lor. But I guess everyone's like that in front of strangers. Hais.. seriously you dont look good or anything but.. I donno leh.. just felt like I wanted to know you more lor. And this isnt the kind of "Ooohh chio bu!!!" kind of wanting-to-know-you-more.

We never talked directly at each other at that time ba? you had your own group of frens and I had mine. We were just connected to you sister lor. I also still remember that time I had this really thick and stuffy mushroom on my head. And now I'm botak. People change alot in 7 months huh?

You know what? I'm was never good at socialising, I dont like talking. I have an attitude problem cos I dont feel obliged to anyone. But you know something else as well? When you feel that someone is important to you. You would try to change yourself to suit that person. But ego sometimes holds you back.

If you describe yourself as a person who dosent care a shit about the world. You will act like a person who dosent care about a shit in the world. Sometimes, even when you want to change. this "ego" will hold you back, you will crack jokes in the middle of serious conversations for the sake of disturbing people, you will get proities mixed up, you act like a big moron and a big asshole from time to time. You dont care about how others think about you unless they are important to you. I feel that I am that kind of person. I describe myself as that kind of person. Thats why I AM that kind of person.

When I realised that I liked you, I wanted to change. But I just couldnt, I felt that if I changed, it wouldnt be the real me anymore. I'm not making all these up. This was really how I felt. And I know actually.. That my kind of behavious would turn any potential people who likes me off. Why do I do such stupid stuff? I know its stupid yet I continue. Cos of this "ego" that I have of myself.. This frickin sucks..

And in the end, we just ended up as mere friends. And after I did that thing on my birthday. Everything went downhill? You were already unhappy with my attitude, yet I did such stuff at such a wrong timing, failure was definite.

My behaviour after that was what really made us got further and further from each other. Heres the truth, the truth that only Nicol and Seyen knows cos they have been through it with me. I thought you were ignoring me. I seriously was. Which was why the moment I saw you again I stuck so close to you, happy that you werent ignoring me. That was the worst mistake I could have ever done. And I guess I paid the price for it? The surprising thing was, throughout this whole thing. My eyes were as dry as I was sad. It was... amazing?

The feeling that you want to cry but you cant cry it out at all.. I think theres something wrong with my brain. Its preventing me from tearing the normal way. I tend to "cry" more often when I yawn instead... but in times like this. I cant even f**king shed a tear for my own pathetic self. Its not that I dont want to, its just that I cant. Not like YOU would care anyway.

Now that I think back really. I feel that I'm almost inferior to you in every possible way. In studies, attitude towards others, attitude towards oneself, attitude towards life, accomplishments, and even the "charm" that lets you be loved by so many. Even when we cant tell WHY THE HELL do we even fall for you in the first place. Some people just have that x-factor that others dont. I wonder why would I even think about liking you in that kind of condition. When I could not even take care of myself. When I am broke and penniless and would spend money the moment it touches my hands.

Nowadays when I think back, I can almost certainly say that I treat you as a long-lost friend. Seeing you smile with real happiness for the first time you see me again. I knew this time. My timing was right. I appeared at the right time, said the right things, and did the correct stuff back. Yes, we can remain as friends again. I am so happy. I'm contended with that. But please, study hard for you exams alright? Your sis is fairly worried for you. And this "nobody" here also worries about you. You have the potential, you should work hard, stop hanging out with your friends so often really. Let these relationships weaken if you really have to. Its your future at stake and yadda yadda yadda...

I hate nagging.

Do you know? How blissed it is to have someone really care for you like that? Even though you feel that you shouldnt acknowledge that person and find him a nuisance, I feel that it is really blissful to be cared for.

Hais... I feel that I am having an inferiorty complex.

I dont want to impose on you anymore, everytime coming to your house and hanging out with your brothers. I can feel that you dont like it cos you feel that i'm trying to get to see you again. But listen. Its not like that. It used to be for the first few times. Your attitude towards me at that time was correct. You killed off all my "passion" I had for you. And now we can remain friends again. I think thats much better.

I heard you asked Nicol why didnt I come to your house anymore. He was as surprised as I was. But thats just a small passing remark I'm sure.

I'm not missing you or anything. Just that I feel that I should state this down somewhere. Yeah... Good to have you back as a friend I guess?

When will I even shed tears for anyone anyways... hais... =.="

Sians..

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This pictures from the "future" serves as a message from future Dun Ping,  many things have changed and looking back i'm glad I failed to get together with this girl. I realized that what happened back then was because I did not have a large circle and basically she was the kind of girl that I thought I could stand a chance with due to her not being very pretty and the fact that I was kinda lonely and just wanted company so I attempted to "settle" for her. As mean as this might sound, it is the harsh truth that the past Dun Ping would never admit to. So anyway yeah we were totally not suitable for each other and future me is glad that she did not "settle" for me as well. Phew! 

Ok, the emotional letter is over le. I'm almost back to myself.

And thanks to SofiaHear for the earpiece!! =D

Piang ehs, when I was typing this letter, I keep one getting interupted by my mother lor. Piangs, such an emotional time.. Then you keep coming over and asking my to shut the bloodly com off.. =.=

Like she can read english LOL!!! But I should really treasure my parents la, comparing my parents to some others who really dont care, I seriously cant even imagine how loved I am, my parents are like me I guess? They dont know how to show their love, and their way of showing it(usually) pisses me off to the max. HELLO MADAM! I AM TYPING A LETTER TO AN IMPORTANT PERSON RIGHT NOW. JUST GO TO SLEEP ALREADY INSTEAD OF ASKING ME TO GO TO SLEEP!!

But I should feel blessed I guess? Since there's someone that cares for me enough to wake up to call me to bed..

I love you mummy?

...

Sigh...

~237