Love is scary

I am unable to accept that Shermane is truly gone from my life now. We used to be so happy together, but because I am no longer able to inspire her, and have habits that irks her, we are no longer an item. I guess I should have put in more effort in improving certain aspects of my life, but I guess I really didn't think much of them until it was too late, since they are habits that I would change for my girlfriend. If I was left to my own devices, I'd be pretty happy with myself.

Of course, with that being said, I wish I heeded her advice more when she nagged at me instead of hoping that Shermane would come to accept me for me. But now that's all too late. I've lost this amazing girl due to my incapabilities once again and it really really sucks. :( I guess none of us should really be too comfortable.

I feel like shit, but whenever someone asks if I'm okay, in that slight moment, I do feel a little better and I'm inclined to tell them that I am, but the truth is once that moment is gone, I start feeling like shit again.

Also, my new computer's takes 4 mins plus to render a five second video even I cleared my cache, what the heck.

Goodbye my love, I really want you back but I doubt you'd wanna 

Loss

They say nothing can steal the love you're born to find.

I really don't know if that is true anymore. I thought I found the woman I love and it's hard to shake this feeling of loss away. I have my heart to this special lady I loved, and I don't regret it a single bit.

But it really fucking hurts, it hurts to realize that you're just not good enough, I hate my own flaws, I hate my laziness, but despite all this I truly truly loved Shermane. I tried to give her the best I could afford to give, and we have grown so much together and I will always be grateful for that.

But now we have somehow grown apart and it is tearing me apart every single day, some days it gets really bad I have to let it out here on this blog because this is where I feel where I can be as emotional and irrational as I can be without judgement or interruption, at least until someone reads this and thinks less of me. But fuck it.

I am afraid that I will never be as happy as I used to be anymore, and that I'll just become another face in the crowd in this cold, unyielding world where we pretend and pretend every single day until we die.

I don't know how to be happy anymore, at least not the same kind of happy that I'm used to, and somehow there's a nagging feeling that everything is only going to get worse years from now.

Guess life really fucks us all huh?

Difficult

Because my life has been so smooth sailing, a problem like an impending breakup is difficult for me.

Me and Shermane are currently on a break, and it seems like she is having a really hard time on her own and it's stressing her out, she probably doesn't want to rant to me but maybe that unfamiliarity of not having me around is making it worse.

I've always doubted that she has depression and was pretty mad at the neighborhood doctor when he prescribed her pills. But now I am so afraid. I don't know what I can do to help her out in this period cos it seems like it's just going to add pressure no matter what I say or do. Tomorrow is Shermane's birthday and I don't think I should do anything, it's probably what she would have wanted. I love her more than anyone else apart from my parents, and I hate this feeling of helplessness where I have to be patient, and wish that she can get better on her own.

It's hard to sort your head out in a week, but I pray that a miracle will happen. :)

Why can't we humans be simple like cats? 

It's so hard

I dreamt of her again today, I hugged her from behind at an MRT and she looked beautiful as ever, she was really happy to see me and we had a conversation and we got interrupted by foreigners. I knew I was in a dream, and that I was going to wake up late for work, but I chose to stay asleep awhile longer, conversing to foreigners on and MRT next to her IN A DREAM.

Not talking to her is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever have to do, but I gotta do it because I think that's what Shermane would have wanted as well. I love her very much and J want her to be happy.

Sang karaoke till 1 plus with my mates yesterday because I was so afraid to be lonely.

I want to save my girlfriend

I have fallen in love with a woman that has been emotionally abused from a young age, and there is a high chance that she might never ever get "better". This hurt has shaped her into who she is now, a driven, passionate, talented, and pleasant girl who brings joy to the people around her and always strives to push me in the correct direction. When I am with her, I am truly happy and contented.

But deep down, there is a darkness within her, a yearning for love from her mother that I can never hope to fulfil as much as I try. I have been blessed with a wholesome family since the day I was born, and I am unable to fathom what kind of trauma that must have been, living with a "monster" that thrives on your weaknesses and seeks to exploit you every time you go to her for solace. I am so afraid that one day, this darkness might drive her away from me, and I would only be able to idly watch as the situation unfolds.

There is very little I can do for this woman that I love. l want to save her, I want to make her as happy as I am when I am with her, I want to have a family sometime with her and hopefully, all these will eventually bear fruit. I want to help her let go of what has plagued her for the longest time, and allow her to be truly, truly happy.

But I really don't know if I can. I don't know if she will even let me. And this makes me feel like a big loser.

Had sore eyes since last Saturday. Hope I won't spread it to Shermane when she pops by later :(

I dreamt a meme or something wtf.

So recently I thought it'd be nice to list down what I have dreamt the night before.

I dreamt about this serial murderer who has a grudge against me, and one day after I sent Shermane away from my house, I tried to call her and she didn't pick up, I instantly thought that the serial killer might have gotten her and I kept spam calling her along with my mother in the dream hahaha!

Sometime later I dreamt of a ''meme" where a car was rolling down a flight of wide stairs in the background while some black female hollywood star was nonchalantly waving to her fans in the foreground while walking up the same stairs. Wow.

Went to visit little Raifa on sunday with Shermane and my colleagues, she's so cute!

Unfollowers on instagram

I recently found out that certain people have unfollowed me from their social media account. Which thankfully are people are are fairly irrelevant so that's nice.

Being 26, I guess I shouldn't be affected too much by this but it made me think, perhaps I haven't been doing much to maintain certain relationships as much, and they probably made the correct choice by removing me since I genuinely wouldn't give two shits if they died tomorrow anyway, yeah I'm harsh I know but oh well. (One of them is some young punk of Nicol's ex. The ex herself has issues anyway LOL)

Okay I guess im a little salty but. I'm glad at least I still have Shermane haha!

I hate waking up early

It's cold, I'm tired, the trains are packed full of barbarians trying to bye for fucking seats as if their lives depended on it. Absolutely disgusting.

I think I shouldn't stay up so late with my colleagues next time ah hahaha.

My mum is pretty awesome

I really need help, I think?

Had a really bad Saturday which was mostly caused by my own lack of discipline. I feel that alcohol and gambling does not really bring me much fulfilment at all, the only time I felt truly happy and at peace was when I was with Shermane or when I was truly doing "boring stuff" at home.

I feel that perhaps its really going to be a uphill climb for me to qhit smoking though. As much as I want to, I keep having the feeling that i am going to smoke the moment I step foot into office, cos cleaning cat shit without smoking really sucks. What a lame excuse right?

Sometimes my posts can be a little illegible since I rarely bother explaining the finer details of the stuff happening in my life. But oh well, whatever la hor? Haha

Was gonna post longer but my dad started talking to me

Today I have yet another encounter that reminds us to be kinder people. Jac has been having a shitty week lately, actually everyone has been jn a rut except for me, which kinda stresses me out. I feel bad that im the only one having a normal life. I also feel afraid to make mistakes at work because I'm afraid it might let everyone project their shit onto me.

But they didn't.

I should be more kind. Everyone around me is so strong.

Theres actually a part 2 but I guess I'll continue later.

Friends who are hard to please

I am 77% sure I have a friend who is secretly hard to please. Sometimes, I take pity on him and because he's a good friend, I go the extra mile from him, but what I get back in return are complaints and sometimes snarky remarks as if he thinks he can do better. I try not to be the kinda guy that's averse to inputs and opinions from my friends but I think I really disagree what whatever he has to say.

Maybe my friend is wrong, maybe he isnt "better" at maintaining relationships than I am, he just thinks he is because the people around him tolerate certain stuff about him. Maybe, this is why he is where he's at, feeling bitter about the world and feeling good about blaming shit like "looks" and stuff.

Although I might be less "empathetic" to people's whims and shit, I think i have pretty decent friends and they stick around long enough. I think it's time I stopped trying to hard, probably just gonna do that "You-ask-me-out-then-I-see-how" style alr uh.

To think I actually bothered to consider him as my best man, nah bro, I don't need no best man on my wedding. It's easier that way too.

First pic I took with my new phone. Holy fek I'm fat at help.

I think I'm a villian

I think I'm a villian. The kind that thinks really badly of the world as it is "ugly" and "cruel" just to justify my own ugliness and selfishness towards others. Time and time again ive been offered assistance and grace by my friends. And although I'm grateful, I feel like I have taken the things around me for granted. Today I spent half the day traveling from office to Lucky Plaza to Chinatown just to find money changers for upcoming shoot. After getting rejected by multiple money changers as they were too shy or unwilling (or maybe my pitch is bad), Greg finally found a dude who was willing.

I was through the experience that I learnt today from asking friends online for contacts that I realize that the people around me really truly very very kind, and are always willing to lend a helping hand. I think I should strive to be a better person.

Today I accidentally ran over my cat tail with my office chair but catcat is very forgiving so that's nice.

Babbling about obstacles or something like that lol

I think the youths nowadays face a unique set of obstacles, i wonder if its truly just a "generation thing" or is if this is just what growing up is like.

We face the obstacle of fear for the unknown although we possess knowledge and infomation within the palm of our hands, or the obstacle of articulating our feelings despite the education we receive. Some face the obstacle of wanting to fit in, to conform, while othere have to deal with the obstacle of self identity, whether am I truly different, or too alike everyone else. We try to find things that make us happy in life, but often even after achieving the goals you've set for yourselves, we can seem to be satisfied. Is it because being satisfied equates to mediocrity, and mediocrity murders growth? So which is truly more important? Greed/growth or mediocrity/happiness? (Wtf am i typing lol pardon my babbles.)

Men are conflicting creatures. We want to be special, to be noticed for our own individualism, yet at the same time, we still want a place to belong, we wanna be "normal". The need to be revered by others is so strong in this day and age that everyone is acting so haughtily yet at the same time they are so depressed inside.

But what do i know? I'm just a young adult who's barely made a mark in this world.

P.s. i think my life is honestly alright, but these are just observations that I've gathered from the people around me.

Just gonna post a ton of excess photos here before my phone finally dies

Is this the circle of life? (Lol)

I feel like its hard for our generation to make deep, meaningful bonds the older we are. Its hard not because we've become less adept at being social, but rather less inclined to establish any form of those bonds. Maybe it's because we've all been let down before, and somehow subconciously we become more selective of our friends. And maybe one day we'll become those parents that forbid our children to mix with the naughty kids.

I wonder if this is just a generation thing or is it something that everyone goes through at some point in life.

Uploading a video here because im using company wifi lol

I am a hero

I love mangas that question humanity, that question whether what truly dictates morals and the fine line between right and wrong. Never thought that i'd still find mangas that pique my interest after reading so many of them since I was 13 or 14.

Heading to mbs later for THE LION KING. I can't believe i woke up late af today urgh.

Stay away from idiots.

I think its time to distance myself even further from idiots with a flawed sense of logic, cos the more I hang out with these kinda people the higher chance there is for me to lash out and fuck them.over.

Some dude wants to buy 2 of my golden tickets.

Pretty insane long weekend

Man this has to be one of the busiest yet more eventful long weekend I've ever had in a long time! Went to the new arcade at bedok with Spencer, Mandy and Pock Pin before drinking at my place on thurs, the arcade was pretty addictive man!

On Friday, Shermane and I went to visit Ash for Raya, it was her first time meeting Ash's girlfriend and I'm so happy they like each other! Ash's sister was rly super adorable too la!

Maybe I'll post about friday and saturday another time, that's all for now!!

This was actually taken on sat when me n mancer went to the arcade for the 2nd time haha

One piece is soooo goooodddd

Been rereading one piece lately and I never thought I'd find myself feeling anything for a minor character such as brownbeard! Oda is really a good writer man! Can't believe this series has already lasted for 20 years. Time really flies! So hyped for the rest of the reverie arc!!

Not going for this years gvf although I kinda miss travelling againnnn

Grabhitch driver stalks my girlfriend.

I swear grabhitch or any other taxi services that can get the users info is fucking creepy.

This happened yesterday, we were playing Overwatch together when a random player suddenly asked "Shermaine?", upon further inquiry it turned out that this player was actually one of my girlfriend's many grabhitch driver. Her Instagram and blizzard account had the same handle, and grabhitch drivers are given only the name and the phone number. of their passengers, there was no way he was supposed to know even either account usernames unless he did some research. When I confronted him if he stalked, his answer was "you mad?" This scum basically admitted to stalking my girlfriend and somehow, my girlfriend got mad at me for calling this creep "disgusting" and hurting his feelings. Because having someone stalk you isn't dangerous enough, it's only dangerous when you offend your stalker.

We had a small fight cos of this creep and also because of other stuff, but I woke up today tired af, and she's prolly still mad at me too sincr we fought. Things will be okay though, I hope.

Omw to work nw to see these peeps. Mum told me that the video i edited was playing on channel 8, that's pretty nice :)

I might be meeting a cheater on hari raya

Yes, like a person who cheats on his girlfriend kinda cheater. Poor girl, i feel kinda unconfortable about this tbh.

Prolly gonna try vibing to the poor girl that her boyfriend isnt who she thinks he is. Although she isn't my favourite person, I don't hate her either and I don't think she deserves this. She'll most likely never read this post, although irdc if she does and i'd be honestly happy if she did.

I think its time to let people know when I'm offended

Not saying this is a snowflake-y way, but I think holding my shit in at times doesn't really work la.

Work is fine, 2 shoots this week!

I think I have the power to ruin someone's life

Its shaz's birthday today, but I most likely won't be able to join him as im feeling pretty sick. And also at the same time there is someone I don't really wanna see yet as well at this moment. I don't think I'm a very good pretender so I guess it's just best I don't go down for the sake of everyone.

Uploading more pics here because my phone might be spoiling real soon.