Helpless

Ever felt so nauseously helpless about a situation where you know that whatever you do will only worsen it? It makes you question the choices you've made that lead up to this very moment, how everything was so obvious yet you chose to press on just because of your arrogance thinking that things will work out just because you've done your due diligence?

A few weeks ago I tweeted "I'm the one that decides what's worthy to me or not, and at the end of the day if it turns out to be my fault, so be it." I guess I was right huh. This is my cross to bear. I've told myself time and again to improve myself so that when someone comes along, I'll be good enough for her. But it isn't just that simple now is it. The chemistry between two people isn't something that can be so simply explained by saying who is the right fit for you and who isn't. It isn't an equation where you get a specific result based on the effort you've put in; or maybe it is, I'm just that bad at math then.

I am someone that does not deserve anything more than I currently have, to wish for anything more is not only stupid, but immensely greedy and arrogant. Perhaps the key to happiness at the end of the day is truly being content after all.

I wish I got to know you better. It's fine. I wish you both happiness :)

Habit

Insomnia hit me like a truck today, with 1.5 hours left before I leave for work and several hours of tossing and turning around, I can't seem to get myself to fall asleep despite my bed being more comfortable than usual.

The worst thing to think about before you sleep is always to think about how many hours you're left with before sleep. But somehow today I can't frickin get that out of my head apart from a million other things like the future, pokemon, and some really abstract shit. So here I am, blogging again .

I guess the office life isn't even enough to curb my irregular sleeping hours huh. Wonder what time will lunch be tomorrow hmm.. suddenly have the slight urge to apply for more leaves before school reopens but then again, I gotta at least make some plans first yeah? :)

Okay that's enough for today, I really wonder if I'm clinically diagnosed with insomnia or I just have a really fucked body clock. Hope it's the latter :(

On yeah congrats on your baby again Eugene! Can't wait to see him on the first month man! :D

This is good

I guess I did the right thing after all.. I've always known this was going to happen one way or another, sooner or later. At least it happened on my terms. It's good that it's at least come to a stop now, it is always easier to cut people out when you're annoyed, it leaves you with less time to think about other stuff. This will probably drive you all the way back to him, and that's what you know you've always needed.

Im glad I annoyed you :) I'm sorry this routine ended up like this, and I'm sorry I never got a chance to show you that I did truly care. I really really want it to, but it just really isn't what you want. People might think I'm giving up but no, I'm just letting go, because I'm just not good for you. At least not now. Please take care of yourself okay? :)

Sian la mob manning coming soon.

下雨的声音。

It's really magical how music works, it's able to trigger a certain thought, or a memory, or evoke a certain mood.

As I'm taking this long bus ride home, thousand of thoughts run through my mind. They aren't good thoughts. They remind me of the things I have lost, things that I could've avoided had I been a little smarter, a little less impatient, and a little more competent. And amongst all those bad thoughts, you were outshining every one of them.

I chanced upon your page today. And I saw that you were happy. I am happy for you, although a part of me inside ached. It was the same smile you gave me, the same warmth I felt back then. I'm really envious of him. I can picture you giving him the same look you used to give me, the same voice you would use when you want to snuggle up to me, the same smile that appears ever so randomly when I say or do something silly, the way you laugh when I do something even sillier, how your small hands would grip mine whenever you're nervous, or excited, or how you hugged me every so tightly as if you wanted to squeeze all the air out of my lungs, and all the things you've confided in me about, thinking that i'm your one place of solace. I recall the random thoughts we've shared, the past we shared with each other with so much detail, and the plans we made for the future.

And then I start to wonder, what did I ever do to even deserve a woman like you. And the answer was obvious. I didn't. I wish I could have given you so much more, and even now, I'm not even sure if I'm able to treat the next girl that comes along as right as you treated me. But that is okay. Because at least we have both learnt a lot from each other and I know I've become a better person for it.

And no, I do not want you back. I guess it's just that sometimes I tend to reminisce on my regrets, and till now, it's only you.

Come on sad music, this wasn't how I wanted to end my Sunday.

It's always when you're alone when your demons come out to face you. I guess imagination really is a double-edged sword.

I kinda miss school.

Choice of words

I guess perhaps I've been too careful with the words I choose, and that makes me look really distant sometimes.

I truly wish I knew how to help you, I wish I know the right things to say whenever you are down. I want to say things with no restraint but sadly, I know I can't. Because it won't work. It will only further throw you into your own cesspool of thoughts that you shouldn't have. And that's the last thing I want you do to.

I will be patient.

Can't wait to go on a short getaway soon. 

Biting off more than I can chew.

Fuck. I have work tomorrow and I'm only left with 4 hours to sleep yet i've been tossing and turning in bed for the past 2 hours. Seriously contemplating if I made the right choice to take up this job.

I really feel that although the enviroment is good and the workload seems alright, this job is really not suitable for someone with such a fucked up body clock like mine.. I don't see why I should be slogging so hard when i don't have to yet and this could more probably be my last year to kick back and relax before I enter the workforce for real.

I think I will tahan through the work tomorrow first before giving my answer on if I should continue. Should I stop now, i'd be considered as someone who easily gives up but on the other hand, why bother putting so much effort on something that you feel isn't worth your while? I'm seriously fucking torn man. My holiday is running out and is this really how I wanna spend it? Will my decision affect shu xiang's quota? I seriously need advice. And I'm pretty sure when shuxiang sees my text tomorrow im probably gonna get fucked again but im kinda ready for that I guess?

As of now my heart is really panning more towards quitting the job. Maybe it'll change tomorrow, maybe it won't. I seriously fucking hate this fucking insomnia man how is it possible that I can be sleepy during work and yet so energetic in the wee hours of the night?

I really hope that whatever choice I decide to make, the people around me will be supportive of me. I don't know when will the next insomnia strike and if my body can take it. Shit, I've seriously bitten off more than I can chew this time. I thought that perhaps if i woke up earlier, i'd be able to sleep earlier as well. Lesson fucking learnt. And to think that i blew so much money on a stupid fucking belt somemore. Good job ADP time to face the fucking music.

Maybe I should pick jobs that start and end at a later timing instead but that's kinda hard right? 

Tongue tied.

Have you ever wanted to say something but you can't really seem to find the right words? Well I have, and it kinda just happened a while ago.

I seem to have lose the ability to emphatise with a fellow human being, you know that's really something that's been bothering me for the past few days. I can never decide between saying the things that the other party wants to hear and saying the things that I feel that the party needs to hear (aka, my sincere input). And that really sucks you know? Like. Am I supposed to cheer you up? Or should I offer actual advise in hopes of you perhaps solving the situation at hand? Guess that's what feeling tongue tied must feel like. What I really want to achieve though, is to make whoever it is feel better and at the same time have a solution but its not always that simple to have the best of both worlds all the time now is there?

Maybe what people need most of the time is actually not advise nor words of comfort, but a listening ear. Yeah, now all I need to learn is how to shut my mouth instead of being so eager to share any opinions I have. That would be better right?

Seriously saaz, where are you when I need your advice on how to give advice? Hahaha get your ass back to SG faggit _!_

Less than 3 hours to macro

Woke up an hour before I'm supposed to, I really hope I'm ready for this man! Haven't been working as hard compared to last year. Ah well I'm sure I'll somehow survive :)

Sighh it's actually gonna get pretty boring if I don't get a job during the hols. Maybe Shu Xiang will be able to find something soon I hope :(

I can do this! Macro I'm coming for you

Really hope liangyi can wake up earlier so we can go sch tgt :)

Insomniac's ramblings

I remember skipping school really often in back in secondary one and two because I didn't really like my class; and would stay at home and just play computer games till my mum comes home and we would eat together.

There was this one time though, where I remember being so bored at home I actually made a trip back to my primary school to visit my old form teacher out of sheer nostalgia. Maybe it's because of the cultural change I experienced from going into another school, but I wanted to speak to her as it was a happier moment of my life then.

Looking back I realize that as you progress to the next phase of life and look back, life will always seem easier, more carefree, more appealing. It's not that things got harder, no. It's because change is always hard.

No one likes to step out of their comfort zone just to acclimatise themselves to a new enviroment. But sometimes its necessary. You might not do well in it, you might not enjoy it, but it is necessary. Not just for progress, but sometimes perhaps just for the sake of retaining for you have. Which is why you have to improve yourself, slowly but surely. Hard as it may be.

Although my plans for the future aren't concrete, I am happy to at least have one more year to figure things out before I graduate (hopefully). Till then, I really need to start to buck up and fulfil my duties as a son and a student. There's really not much time left for fun is there? :(

It's sad how I can't remember much of my experience in pri school though, maybe I really am getting old :(

Lousy memory

I realize that as I get older, my memory is actually getting worse everyday.

I forget that almost everyone out there is out for themselves, and that sometimes just because you hold them to a certain level of regard, they might not have the same for you. Sometimes you just get so bloody comfortable that you forget that there are actually boundaries that should not be crossed.

I might not be a good judge of people but I think I'm alert enough to know what kind of person some people are. Perhaps it's just me reading too much into things. But there are some actions that really gets on my nerves.

Perhaps I've been too kind. Perhaps apart from cracking the occasional jokes here and there, I'm actually treating the people around me too well, and now it's coming back to fucking bite me in the fucking rear. Maybe Melvin was really right all along, there is always a giver and a taker in every relationship.

I'm not going to become a taker. But I sure as help am pretty sick of giving all the time. There is always a third option when it comes to relationships like this, and that is to cut it off entirely. It might not be an immediate thing, but I guess I'll just have to do it slowly and steadily.

In the end, it really is true. We have to all be strong to a certain extent to fend for ourselves, only then can we even afford to have the luxury of taking care of the ones around you; but even when you do, it might not mean that you won't be treated like a fucking moron.

It's really sad yea? But then again, maybe now I'll finally have some proper time for myself, I guess my main motivation most of the time is really just fueled by anger. Well, whatever works I guess?

Apart from improving myself, I really gotta start focusing on my health as well if I intend to even live half the lifespan of my granny's. Love ya ahma! Xoxo

Nominal variables are variables measured in monetary units

And real variables are variables measured in constant units.

Somehow for this semester, I can't seem to muster up the motivation like I did last
semester to mug. The tutorials aren't really thst hard, but when I read through my lecture notes, I find that there're still a few things that I don't really understand man :( well, I guess I don't really have to worry that much though, I think at this pace I'm going, passing shouldn't be a problem so I should be thankful? 

Macro ah macro.. why do you have so many stuff I need to memorize man :(

Sometimes I wish I was academically inclined like Glenn man. Life would be so much easier :(

wot iz luv?

So a friend and I had an interesting topic today, and somehow we stumbled on the subject of love and got really balls deep into it.

So seriously, what is love? Every one of us has experienced a form of love to some degree, yet when we try to verbalize it, its hard to find the right words.

Is there more than one form of love? Or is it just one large 'entity' altogether? My friend asked me which would hurt you more? The death of your parents? Or your wife? Well, I've never actually experienced losing a loved one so close before so I cant really imagine that; which is really weird cos I think I have quite the vivid imagination :/

When I watched "The Imitation Game" recently with Lam, the protagonist was married to a really beautiful lady despite him being homosexual as he needed her around to fulfill his goals, when he finally revealed his sexuality to her, she said she has already suspected it, and still wants to stick around as she truly did love him. She even argued that their marriage, although unconventional, was one that was at least better than the majority of marriages out there. It was a union of two minds, and that was enough for her.

To me, I believed that the lady in "The Imitation Game" truly did love the protagonist, it just came in a different form. But why? Why would she love a man who is clearly not sexually attracted to her? (not that it really matters I think? But then this dude yknow, is into anything but vajayjays so yeah.)

But I digress, it is hard to both justify and quantify something as intangible as love, is it an emotion? An action? A decision? Or just something utterly in between?

When she asked me what love meant today, I did not really know how to answer her, but I did tell her that "Love is a responsibility.". But really, there's so much more to it.

Back when I was together with P, I told her almost everyday that I loved her, not fully able to define it any other way. But truthfully, I really believed it every single time when I uttered those words to her. And although till today I am able to tell myself that I have loved and lost before, it is still almost impossible to define love.

Is Love selfless? Is it about sacrifice? Does it have an expiry date? If so, is it really true love? Is Love a choice? A responsibility? How many forms does love come in? Is there really any difference between loving and liking someone apart from the degree of affection you provide to the subject?

Dictionary.com defines love as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." I guess that's the best way to explain what love is after all huh? 

At the end of the day, I'd like to believe that love comes in many forms, love towards your parents, love from your friends, love from your significant other, love for your pets, and perhaps even occasionally, love you give or receive to strangers; this really brings me to another subject: Do we love for ourselves? Or do we love for others? Does that make sense? I'm sorry if it doesn't because it's like almost 2am and I'm probably not thinking straight.

It's weird right? I've always believed that we humans were inherently selfish yet the word "Love" itself has been ingrained into us as a selfless act. We humans are like living contradictions or something. I think I'm better off revising for my exams than to ponder about questions like this where I don't have the answers to anyway. :/

So it turns out, if you've been reading this to uncover the meaning of love, I'm sorry I've wasted your time. Maybe someday someone would be able to enlighten me on this subject, and I'll be sure to post the answer here. :) Until next time! :D

Anyway karaoke on Tuesday was great! Too bad we didn't have a full attendance as usual :/

Burnt bridge

Everytime I hear news about you, it will always be unpleasant to me.

I won't lie, although it's way less frequent now, you still run through my mind from time to time. And it really sucks whenever that happens, because it makes me think of the endless possibilities of what might have been, if I had just been a little less stupid, and a little more aware of your needs and wants.

You seem really happy though, and somehow that just adds salt to my wounds. It's not that I don't want to see you being happy, I just never expected us to be happy separately. It was really pure self-centeredness that i thought whatever future we may have, we would have it together. Earlier this year you told me that back then you thought I didn't love you anymore anyway, that's not true. It's not that I did not love you, it was just that I loved myself more. So much that I took you for fucking granted.

And I regret every fucking second of it.

On a completely separate note, fuck biz stats man. :(

Gluttony

Just posting here cos I realized I haven't updated my blog in awhile :/ Nothing really interesting happened recently, but exams are coming up in 3 weeks time so yea I got that to look forward to _|_

I'm not typically an aesthetically self-concious guy, but it's been pretty clear to me that I've grown so fat that even my face is a little plump now. :(

Looked into my wallet and found out I was cashless. Realized in spent my remaining $30 on mcdelivery just the other day. Thought about mcdelivery, and went to order it again.

I guess I'm fine being fat huh! I mean it's not like I'm trying to get some girls or anything currently, and there's really no other motivation for me to lose weight excessively. I shall continue my comfortable, blobby,  fat life for now :D

Can't wait for my exams to end man. For the first time there's actually no solid plans after my exams but my friends are however all planning to go to Taiwan this time around. Should I join them? I don't really wanna spend money though.. choices choices.. I guess I'd be pretty bored if I was stuck here in singapore with nothing to do anyway :/

Holy shit I wonder how these kiddos are doing wahahahha

Frustrations

So I'm lying in bed, 4am in the morning and t minus 2 hours till I have to "wake up" and prepare for school.

Today, or yesterday since its already past 12am was pretty uneventful. I realized thst I've made a few careless mistakes on my test and that I am once again reminded of how it's like to feel unwelcomed. It's funny how I'm able to pick out this kinda small actions since I've done it to others as well. Well, I actually think it's kind of a good thing. This kind of frustrations are actually motivating me to seriously buck up and swing even harder than I've done before. I will work hard not to feel welcomed, but to overacheive those who have shut their doors to me in the past. Who knows? If I'm lucky I might be able to do the same back to them. It might be an unhealthy motivation, but at least its something.

Just watched a youtube video called "path of vengeance", pretty cool. It's about how much hatred drives a person to go beyond what normal people would do, although I guess motivations like this would normally end in a "bad" way huh. Well, I'd rather get something done than to sit on my ass all day and wait to be picked on.

People preach about kindness and forgiveness and doing good all the time, but how many of them actually walk the talk? In the end, only the strong gets to speak and act. It has always been this way since the beginning of time. I will become strong. Only then do I have the right to decide what is right and wrong in this morally grey world. Talking is seriously overrated.

And yet I typed so much in this post. Whatever.

This is probably what I'm going to be like if I don't catch any sleep soon. But then again, I'm really not that sleepy :/

Feeling old

It's 1 minute away from 5am now, did nothing but dota and study all day (although I did order pizza tho)

Life's been pretty hectic yet boring recently. I guess this is adulthood huh? Will the next 30 years of my life go downhill from here? Wow that's a scary thought.

I've lived pretty much my whole life without a goal, I've always told myself that I'll probably find something to strive for when I get older but nothing really seems to change though. Does not having a goal to strive for render your life meaningless? I've had quite a bit of fun so far though hmm..

I guess the only thing I really wanna do now is to travel abroad with my pals man, like explore new places, eat new food, meet new people, try new things; yeah that sounds fun doesn't it?

Guess I'll just have to bide my time somemore then. If everything goes well I'd probably graduate by the end of next year, perhaps then something truly exciting will finally begin.

Oh man I really need to quit smoking man :( shall go catch some running man to help me fall asleep instead :D

Peace out.

Haven't seen these two fagits in a while too. Hope yall are doing fine man! (Sorry I try to make it a point to post a picture for every blog post I make :/)

Depend on your own fucking self.

I can't imagine dying, it's too fucking scary be it cremation or burial.

Maybe when I die I'll make a special order for the coffin to have wifi and be able to be opened from the inside just in case.

Watching "House of Cards" season 3 now. Can't seem to immerse myself in a long-duration show compared to last time.

Death row

Woke up from a crazy nightmare today. Dreamt that I was a death row inmate about to be killed. Fucking scary stuff.

I gotta start treasuring everything more man. Sure I'm not on deaths row but that doesn't mean that I should take everything for granted yeah?

Ok that's all for now cya! :)

School's School's starting soon and I can't wait to see all of them again man :)

Ex Machina (some spoilers)

Okay so I've just watched Ex Machina with Matthew, Yingchuan and ZJ (althought they left earlier), and whoa.. I have to say this is one of the best movies I've watched thus far in 2015! (Considering the fact that the movies that I had high hopes for turned out to be really really disappointing.)

It's rare to have my expectations exceeded when it comes to films given that I have been conditioned by countless films before which just rides on cliches after cliches with twists that you can see from a mile away. This film does well to avoid plot twists, and instead capitalizes on the fact that film audience in 2015 are well-attuned to such a pattern, therefore choosing to appeal to them in a different manner; Making them question if the film is indeed going to end in such a twist, or is there something truly unexpected as the show goes on.

To me, a good film is one that can engage and excite the audience in the sense that they'd be excited to find out what happens next, fulfilling that curiosity, yet leaving more questions even when the show finally ends. This show ends in a manner in that it leaves no loose ends, but you as an audience would still have so many questions unanswered. For me it was more slanted towards the fact if "Ava" was indeed capable of feeling love, and did she truly love the protagonist in any point of the show? If she wasn't, does it make her any less of a human in the sense that after all, are we humans not guilty of manipulating others to acheive our means as well?

Props to Alicia Vikander though, I find myself truly intrigued by this Ava character. The fact that she was able to smile with such depicted happiness after being free from her cage without malice, and yet appear to show no signs of remorse having killed her creator moments ago really makes me wonder: "Is this a robot version of a sociopath? Or was it because Ava has justified her murder as a necessity and therefore was already prepared to mete out her actions, therefore feeling no guilt nor remorse for the creator that has kept her in captivity?" "Did Ava choose to not kill Caleb because it would not bring about any benefits to her? Was she really that pragmatic? Or is there something more?"

Then I begin to ponder, "Does morals truly represent what it means to be a human?", "Are morality and pragmatism on two different extremes?"

We live in a society where success/accomplishments is deemed to represent happiness, and yet pragmatism seems to be a trait that successful people seem to always have. Can one be happy without morals? Can someone choose to be pragmatic yet moral? What happens when people are torn between both choices? What really defines a human? Is it not the capacity to feel happiness?

Or am I going about this wrongly? Because after all, morals might not necessarily equate to emotions. And yet, conscience does affect a person's emotions, and therefore does that not mean that if you have something weighing on your conscience, you can never be truly happy?

So perhaps, only when someone lives a hedonistic lifestyle devoid of morals can they be truly happy/joyous. But that doesn't sit right with me as well.

Something is missing, and it's stopping me from reaching a proper conclusion and I dont know that the fuck it is. Sighh.. This is always what happens to be train of thought after I watch a good show.

Whatever.

Reflection.

Sometimes I lie on my bed and I start to reflect on the mean things i've done to others when I was younger. Ohh such foolishness..

Imagine if I was more tolerant and kinder to others, I'd be such an awesome guy by now. Guess I can only remind myself to not repeat my stupid antics again now that I'm older huh.

Forgiveness is hard to come by man. I need to learn to have a bigger heart. After all even till today I can't seem to be able to draw a line between forgiving and forgetting. Aren't those two kinda interlinked? Like would you be able to trust someone again after they've fucked you over? If not, does it really count as forgiveness? Ah fuck it i'm not wise enough to answer that yet perhaps one day when I'm older I'll come back here and update this post with what I've learnt.

But on a side note I am deeply sickened by human beings. This survey that I have conducted till now has really showed me how fucked up some people are on the inside. When they need you they'll come to you with smiles and shit but when they don't they won't even give two fucking hoots about you. Even when you make an effort to try and reconnect most of the time they'll just ignore you because they don't have a "need" for you right now. Pretty fucking sickening right? At the end of the day. It really is imperative that we depend on ourselves. Values like friendship and the like mean little to many of us and it's making people like me who actually give a shit to start losing hope as well. Terrible right? How as we grow older we get influenced by all these disgusting behaviors around us and the most direct way to counter that is to join in and be a social parasite as well? Maybe that's why the bible says that we are all sinners but then again I might just be bitching cos I'm really fucking sick of this nonsense right now. I've never really wanted to admit it to myself but I guess I have to. It's time to really cut people loose. Just like how we are pretty much useless to each other, we might as well not stay close yknow?

Blogging is pretty cool huh! Back in those days people prolly needed a pen and a paper to even jot down their thoughts but now it's just a few presses on your magical device and viola! You've just made a journal entry! What a wonderful and scary time we are living in indeed.

Now that I think about it I haven't had BK in awhile. mm tendergrill~

I might never become someone great, or someone who's well-acclaimed by the world. But that doesn't really matter.

If I could just make the people around me happier or better off, that would be good enough for me. My own little piece of paradise hahaha.

School in 7 hours time and i'm left with 5 hours to sleep. Fml.

SAMCRO

All I've wanted was to have a simple life but it seems like even that wouldn't come easy huh..

Beenwatching sons of anarchy recently, pretty good so far, I remember hearing about it from Phoebe long ago but we never got down to watching it till Russell and Kapo introduced it back to me last year.

Ah, if there's one thing that I miss about army, it'd definately be the incessant bingeing on shows in bunk all day err day man. I miss that. True Detective, Breaking bad, two and a half men, house of cards, suits, the big bang theory.. But I guess the perks of being a civilian are way more man. It's not like I have a deadline to finish these series anyway. I really love watching shows though, feels like I've learnt a little something every episode.

What I particular like about SOA so far is really the scenes where Jacks reads his dad's diaries, I really love the poetic quotes those directors put up in there man.

Anyway, I have an online test coming up soon, let's hope I won't fuck this one up like I did with the first. Ang Dun Ping, fighting!

p.s. I really needa get my English standards up man it really sucks to have to think of words to verbalise your thoughts during a conversation -.-

I'll be leaving for p.s.am in less than 4 hours with these peeps again! Can't wait wooo~~

[Updated on 17 March 2015, cos I didn't feel like making a new post, bite me. :/]

Sometimes I think to myself "Wow, i seem to know everything there is to know about my surroundings! I'm the strongest I've ever been! Then I take a few seconds and come to the conclusion that that's probably what I thought too like a few years back. I guess i'll always be in my "prime" huh.. Shallow Dun hahaha! It's ok! I will work even harder! (Tomorrow :p)

I guess it's true when they say you feel the most inspired when you're on your bed huh!

Have you ever met a girl who looks just so amazing that you freeze everytime you see her and your first instinct is to look away or right behind her and hope she's invisible right now? I'm such a coward hahaha

Anyway Batam was pretty sick! Awesome pals and awesome activities. I can't wait for our next trip woo! Emily will be uploading the photos soon I hope ><)

Random 4am rant

So its almost 4am now and i'm wide awake. Even watching youtube isn't really helping.. Fuck if this keeps up i'm going to fall asleep in class tomorrow again. Worst part is that tomorrow both lectures seem to be quite important cos the lecturers might touch on the upcoming online test or the online acct assignment.. Funny how I always get insomnia the day before my lessons. Pls god don't make me fall asleep in class :( Can't seem to be able to study properly for the past few days either. Hopefully that'll get better once classes start tomorrow or something :/

Shall go play some dota now. I actually remember falling asleep for like 10 mins before waking up to turn off my phones video cos it was too noisy. But after I turned it off I can't seem to fall back asleep #fuckedup 

I really can't wait to graduate and start "adult life" being a student is pretty slack and all but I really wanna start earning me own keep soon :( Haven't even started applying for my drivers licence yet too..

Haven't seen yongjie in ages wonder how he's doing

No chill

I can't seem to take things easy as well as I could in the past. What the fuck is happening to me I don't like this new me. But maybe this isn't that bad at all? Maybe I've been too easy going to the point of sloppiness in the past so this just my instincts trying to make up for all the lost time? Idk what I'm babbling about la hahaha!!

I don't know how to go back to who I used to be. Fuck.

I need to exercise man :(

Everyday

Everyday, we walk past thousands of people, each with the potential to become your friend, your foe, or even your lover. Each with their own stories to tell, their own hardships to undergo, and their own accomplishments. The world is amazingly huge isn't it? Yet for some reason, at least in the Singaporean culture, we just walk past everyone each day without even making the effort to converse or build bonds with them.

I remember one time on a Sunday evening when I was on my way to book in to Sungei Gedong, i was happily sitting and playing my phone, not having a care in the world when I suddenly got the feeling that the kid beside me was watching the contents on my phone, which was probably just "Cookie Run" or something? I'm ashamed to say that the first emotion I felt was irritance, that my privacy has somehow been invaded although ironically,  i was in public. I turned around with a fairly annoyed look on my face, and there it was, a teen around 13-15 engrossly staring at the little gingerbread man running in my Samsung note 3. I kept looking at him, hoping he will notice that he's being watched and would eventually turn away due to awkwardness when he finally looked at me and said "Hey, what game is this?" in a rather curious, amicable tone. Something I've never expected from a stranger especially from someone who is "rudely invading your privacy". In that moment, all my annoyance vanished into thin air as I was approached with affability. It was then I realized that I had unknowingly became a grouche due to social standards of "Minding your own business when you're on public transport". Feeling ashamed, i responded and started having a conversation with this pleasant boy. I think I did a pretty good job hiding my shame though! We had a good conversation about our plans for the future and eventually parted ways when he reached his station.

As it turns out, this boy was from a school that was catered to kids with learning disabilities. Which kinda came to me as no surprise because no "normal singaporean" in this day and age would engage in a conversation like that with a stranger in a public transport, not unless you're an elderly who is asking for directions and just happen to drift into another conversation or something. (I've had a few encounters with them before, contrary to what many of our parents taught us, I actually enjoy talking to strangers from time to time.)

That kid had something that a lot of us has lost. The purity of the heart to just approach another human being without the fear of being reproached. Sad right? Our generation has became so pathetic that it takes a kid from a special school to create bonds with others while the "normal" ones like us gotta just stick to being stuck in our own little virtual world through a device no larger than a brick. This kid has balls man!

Perhaps one day our social norms might change again, perhaps into one more positive in the sense that using your phone on public transport would be considered rude instead as you're shut off from the world and people would start knowing each other more through actual conversations. Wouldnt that be awesome? :D

Oh yeah, happy valentines day! :)

Busy

Been really busy for the past few weeks, working, studying, catching up with old friends.. Oh and I'm meeting Zul tomorrow after like years? It's at "OutBar" which is a gay bar I think but that's alright! Never really been to one so I guess it's an experience?

I've been thinking a lot about the nature of human beings, Glenn told me today that a life without religion is a life not worth living, well I guess I kinda get where he's coming from. And sometimes I find myself being a christain by name only; like yknow, i'm having doubts about the existence of christ all the time. Even till today. But im sure there is a god somewhere, someone looking out for be if not I'd be dead a million times before I can even hit 23 given the way I act and behave.

In a part of the bible it was stated that we are all born sinners, which was really interesting and hard to swallow for some but it got me thinking, the bible might not be that far off from the truth huh!

How many of us have lied without even anyone teaching us just because it was the convenient thing to do? How many of us has killed an insect just because it was an eyesore? And how many of us has done bad things while others aren't looking or even bear false witness against your neighbours? (I never hor.) All these things weren't taught by someone else in my opinion. So doesn't that mean that it's nature rather than nurture? All humans are selfish deep down. If so, how do I explain love? Do we love someone else because of the things they bring to the table? Like how a kid loves his mum for providing him with food/shelter/love while the mum loves him because he is essentially a "part of her"? Procreation is after all human's way of trying to cheat death is it not? To create new life before your own ends and educate it to be someone like you or better?  Is selfishness sinful? Even I dare not confidently answer that with a yes.

Ah, insomnia thoughts again. I got more important stuff to work on than to ponder bout things I can't solve man. Let's wore on becoming better in every aspect this 2015! :)

Get well soon mat, don't die on me.

So I just killed a mosquito..

I guess it's been awhile since I've last blogged after I ord-ed huh. Well life's been pretty good to me! Found a part time job with good pay and flexible timing, managed to travel to bkk with my best friends, enrolling into RMIT and seeing a few of my old friends. I guess life is really good!

Today while I was at the washroom, I instinctively killed a mosquito which was near the sink. And it got me thinking. "Why did I do that?". Was it because it was "Intruding into my territory?". Well if that's so it justifies my killing to a certain extent right? Like how animals often get attacked when they enter another being's area. But thinking back. Wasn't it us humans who build these concrete fortresses everywhere and claim it as our own? Aren't we the invaders claiming the nature habitats of these creatures and they're merely trying to co-exist with us an make do with their new living environments because they can't kill us off?

I was suddenly reminded of the fact that the reasons why insects are so small is because of the density of oxygen or something like that on earth. If there was more oxygen it is said that the size of insects would increase accordingly. Whoa that'd be like living in those old horror movies where people battle giant bugs n shit. Sigh. I guess I'm thankful for the size of the insects on earth.

Stupid insomnia making me think up of all these random stuff in the wee hours of the night. I wonder if technology is such a good thing after all huh! If I didn't have my phone with me would I be awake now? Sigh I'm such a slave to my phone :(

Wow this photo is really huge! I took this on my first day of uni thouhh hopefully it'll mean something when I get older :/