Am I reverting back to my old self more and more? The 'jerky' ADP? The one that does not bother about how others think about him? Well. I've came to a conclusion. Yes. I am reverting back to the old me. But I will not let that happen. Its time to grow up. Seriously. Grow up.
I shall promise myself not to be so disiao-ing as I was last time. I shall be more quiet. More caring, more brotherly. I think i've been 'brotherly'. Yeah. I believe i really do care about other's welfare. I shall speak less about how people act and say. I am in no right to decide what they think and act. And its not nice to make comments either. How can I be so angry with someone else, when I'm doing almost the same thing? I do not want to turn into the person I hate.
I shall stay quiet. Keep thoughts to myself. And keep my mouth shut about some stuff. Since it will be all the better for everyone. Since nobody is perfect. I should not really go attack their weaknesses and so called "prove" how powerful and smart I am. I should not be a jerk like that. I want to become someone that is true to myself and others. Someone that can be trusted. I'm not saying I cant be trusted now. I just want to say that I can become more trustworthy. And I know it better than anyone else. So I shall admit my weaknesses and correct it.
Keep my frickin mouth shut.
I do not want to ruin other's moments like how others would ruin my moment. Cos its just not cool. My outside friends might be able to accept who I am. As in the noisy, naughty, kaopei, a bit violent ADP. But will my church friends accept me like that? Maybe, maybe a portion only. But why make it ONLY a portion when I can make everyone like me better? Since its for my benefit. I shall control and reserve myself and hopefully one day be able to change my kaopeiness. I want to be like Jonathan. =DD
Today's event was okay. Ben didnt seem very attracted. Cant really blame him though.. At least i'm happy he came! =D. Ben now really wants to start studying lor. So many people is rushing me to study also. Although some are just passing comments. I feel that its really time to start studying. I shall finally make my move. God please help me and gimme the willpower to not give up and be able to chiong all the way for this last two months.
Tomorrow I shall have my last 'relaxing moment' I shall go to escape and slack for one last time before the war. Starting from SUNDAY. I shall start really mugging and cramming. And I shall really really try my best to not sleep during lessons. I shall make a change for the better.
God please please really help me on this. I know I cannot do this alone lord. I really really need your power now. Gimme the power to last through these two weeks and not dissappoint myself and I promise. I'll bring in more 'workers' for you lord. Like what the bible says. "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few."
Which verse is that anyways? XDD
~237
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| Jonathan is one of the few people in CHC that I still hold a little bit of respect for. Hes currently still in the navy as a ME I think? Ah well none of my business. Compared to back then, I sure am a bigger jerk than I was back then! But that doesn't mean I didn't grow up? I just got sick of the hypocrites around me in CHC back then. You cant just be nice to everyone, so what if some thinks you're a jerk? Fuck em. While I always constantly remind myself to not become someone I'll hate, i don't think that's happening right now, I have merely realised that you can't treat everyone the same, while some are parasites and others are hypocrites, there are also just plain rude judgemental scoundrels who shoot their mouth off because they are currently at a higher standing than you are. Humans are fucked up. Society is fucked up. Which is why I've learnt to not treat everyone the same. While I still try to be kind to all, I now do not hesitate to lash back or react when I have to instead of trying to be a nice guy and "touch their hearts with love". Pain is a much better lesson. At least that's what I've came to realize. You dont need the whole world to like you foolish young ADP, really. What matters is that at the end of the day you can account for yourself! (Future Dun, 29/4/14) |
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