Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Smooth Sailing

Sigh.. I'm about to ord in 31 days and I'm getting frickin impatient.

Came to camp and I started to get bombarded with "responsibilities" once more. Gotta go for several medical checkups, left my slippers and my syringe for wisdom tooth back home, my friends aren't in camp, gotta return some lost items with my own money and the worst part is I still haven't got my 11b done.

Sigh.. I guess it's all the small things that add up that makes staying at Gedong so un-fucking-bearable huh.. Thank god I still have 3 days off. Gotta learn to ration those out evenly though..

This army journey of mine might be coming to an end but I know there's only so much more to come. I am stronger than this. But all this retarded obstacles are just so fucking irritating man dammit!!

Gotta remember to go do my ord survey soon too sigh.. And meet with lam soon to finalise jiu's wedding montage.

It's so frustrating that as a guy in this day and age, we are not allowed to be vulnerable or show any signs of that. Well, baby steps I suppose.
Holy shit I get really red when i'm drunk huh.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Serenity

There's something about this wilderness, the quietness, the lack of distractions, the dirt and bugs, it's oddly serene when you're left with only you, your thoughts and the sound of nature.

Today is the first day of my company's last mission, having not been in the forest for at least a year, everything feels so new and fresh to me. So this is what a combatant goes through regularly huh. If there's anything army has taught me, it has taught me to be braver, to not blindly fear authority and to have the guts to do what's necessary to attain what you have to. So I guess they're right huh! You do mature when you go through NS, i just probably chose a different path from the rest. While I still abhor the idea of conscription, I'm thankful nonetheless.

Insomnia still sucks really bad though, too bad kimsiang is asleep and Eugene isn't around as well to keep my company through the night when the view is exceptionally beautiful tonight. I guess thats how our ancestors used to live huh! Away from all this concrete jungle and all. I wonder what was going through their head back in those days..

Well, at least I know this is indeed the final milestone that I have to undergo before I step into the adult world. God, there's still so much stuff I have to work on.. What happened to all those dreams I used to have? They seem so far away now.. Maybe I'm just too lazy for my own good after all?



Enjoying every moment for now, it's sort of therapeutic even. Let's hope I can come out of this alive and wiser hahaha.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Ball and chain

You still pop up on my social media from time to time. And it appears that you're doing much better than you did one year ago. I'm really glad for you.

I try to not let myself think above my love life in general cos there is enough on my plate the way it already is, my cousin's wedding video, the jobs I might want to take up when I ORD, the upcoming bkk trip, and perhaps being there for some friends who at the moment, really need me so much that it would just be plain rude if I burdened them with my own thoughts right now. I guess blogging is the only viable option now no?

I guess I have to face the facts, i was a burden to you, a mistake you made. I was at most a passing moment, with nothing to contribute but my own selfishness. While I might not have ill-treated or cheated on you, I also wasn't able to provide what you truly needed. It's sad really how much pain motivates you to strive to become someone better. To break out of your usual pattern and make something of yourself.

I used to think that the key to happiness is to be content. I still do now but what I did not consider back then is how being contented actually takes away all your motivation to improve yourself. Back then I had all I ever wanted, so why bother right? Maybe this doesn't apply to everyone but it definately did to me. While losing you was one of the biggest wake up call I've ever received, I wish I could have been wiser back then. Perhaps things might've been different then. I wish I could go back in time with all the experiences I have now and right my wrongs. But I can't.

The only thing left to do now is to grit my teeth and push on, but maybe for now, for tonight. I'd just like to wallow in self pity for just a little while more and fantasise about the things that could've been had I done something just a little differently. Pathetic. I should have been improving together with you and yet I dragged you down instead.

This won't happen again.


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

It's mind over matter, it always has been

Finally there's only a mere 94 more days till I ord, yet it still feels kinda long though.. They were right when they say you learn stuff during your NS days though. Although I took a really different path from most servicemen I did definately learn a lot too being at the bottom of the food chain most of the time. Seriously, there's this midget fucktard that thinks he's like some kinda badass and treats other ppl like garbage and other condescending pricks. I even suspect sometimes my cigarettes get stolen behind my back hmm.. Better educate my child properly lest they end up like those fucktards.

This NS thing has definately been the worst one year and ten months of my life definately. Probably cos I've been living really comfortably before this huh? I've witnessed the ugly side of human nature and definately some good as well. They say you'll learn discipline when you're in NS, but I disagree. The kind of discipline they educate in NS is simply just obeying orders through and through and getting fucked if you don't. That's not what discipline is to me at all. To me, discipline is about being able to decipher what's right and doing it despite it being uncomfortable or tough. While it may differ from person to person what "the right thing to do" is. I'd like to believe that I've done right by myself. And blindly obeying nonsense just really doesn't suit me, so as long as my actions don't affect others negatively, I've definately not let myself down. And that to me, is discipline. To not just blindly obey rules but do things that might not benefit yourself just so others won't have to suffer.

Anyway I've been blabbering for long enough, really can't wait to ORD so that I can move on to more important things in life like studying, getting my drivers' license, going overseas to experience the world etc etc.

Just finished watching Howl's moving castle as well, Studio Ghibli's works are indeed amazing!


Monday, August 18, 2014

A miserable attempt at poetry

Twas a Sunday Night, a day of despair
For the recruits in tekong, as they had no hair.
As they prepare to rest, feeling homesick already.
Some comforted themselves that they're succeeding their daddy.

"Go make me proud, my beloved son."
"You're not a man yet but soon you will be one."
While some families put more emphasis on pride and honour,
Others wished they hadn't a son, but instead a daughter.

For parting ways with family is never easy,
Not just for the procreators, but also their baby.
I remember feeling brave yet fearful, dreadful yet excited.
On that fateful day i was emotionally divided.

After I said my goodbyes, it started to pour.
Seriously, it rained. Tekong looked like a reservoir.
And so I was drenched then brought to my platoon.
I recall telling myself "All these will be over, and it will be over soon."

Greats adventures followed, countless bonds were forged.
I've made many friends in Tekong, none were named George.
But for now, let's skip one year ahead.
For my time is limited, and there's more important things to be said.

In a bunk at Gedong, a lone boy reminisces.
Of the simpler days before NS where he spent each day with his missus.
Gone were the happier days of the past.
The boy now understands that nothing truly lasts.
Not NS, not relationships, and definitely not baths.
That made no sense but still, it kinda does!

The boy was mad, his blood was boiling.
What's the point of all these meaningless toiling?
If nothing ever lasts then there's nothing left to say.
Does that mean that we're all surviving day to day?

They say to serve is to be proud of your nationality.
But all I hear is, conscription is a crime against humanity.
But what's done is done, what's past is past.
Holding grudges is pointless, the die has been cast.

And while nothing is permanent, I dare say this.
Does it really matter as long as you've felt bliss?
We all have to go some day, as all humans do.
So why not make the most of it, and smile all the way through?

Good times may pass, but so do the bad.
With that in mind there's no time to be sad.
All that's left is to make life worthwhile.
Cherish the ones you love, and forgive the vile.

For I ponder when my time comes;
Would I remembered as a saint? Or abhorred like a scum?
There's no shame in making mistakes.
But what you do afterwards, and how you compensate.

And as always, I yearn to be stronger.
In many different aspects and in no particular order.
I wonder how I'd feel when I read this ten years from now.
Would I be disappointed? Or did I keep to my vow?

Or would I mock myself for being a fool?
To consider this a motto when my "big picture" was in fact, miniscule?
Youth is a treasure, and time is my asset.
With that in mind, it's time to play life's roulette.

q
Sighh I kinda miss my fat kid.  Last time I saw him he got a hell lot more irritating though :/

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Hi, I am Beckham!

After the dance, I didn't even want you number back then after you told me you were of a different orientation. I was dismayed, but I thought I'd never see you again after that night. Who would've known that we would hit it off so well afterwards for a short period of time before things went south? What was I thinking? Did i subconciously regard myself as some sort of hero who would help you regain your faith in guys again? Pfft what a chauvinist Dun. I guess I kinda fucked that up as well anyway. I really didnt mean to, but I doubt you'd believe that.

Because the truth of the matter is, although we didnt spend much time together before things went to shit, I was really fond of you despite knowing that I shouldn't. Till today sometimes I think back and wish that things would just have been a little different. You're just so frickin adorable at times I really wanted to fight back the urge to just give you a great big squeeze on the cheek for you just being you.

Even if I could turn back time, I would still do what I did. I just wished that you would've understood why.

I really have a knack for making the people i'm fond of hate me to the core in the shortest time possible. I wonder how I can make a living with this talent.

I guess at the end of the day it just means that I'm still not good enough, time to work on getting stronger again.

Srsly though I need a new effin wallet.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Dumb moves

Sometimes i question myself, where do I truly belong? Been making a lot of stupid moves recently and i'm kinda sick of it. It's time to be less open to everyone about some stuff I swear and keep my emotions in check -.- I have no idea when this happened, but my tolerance for people is getting really low recently. Needa keep myself in check. I'm not strong enough to throw tantrums yet, or issit because the ones who are truly strong don't really throw tantrums hmm?

I kinda regret being too harsh. But at least I learnt sth from it no?

So anyway You Ming made this, and i'm just lying on my bed blogging away on my phone :/

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

A Tuesday Midnight Post

So i'm in camp and insomnia hit me again.. No surprise there.

Today you've been running through my mind a lot more than usual. Idk why it's not like I know we are going to ever get back together or anything I guess it's just a lot of subconscious reminiscing on my part? It's like whatever i'm doing my brain just somehow finds a way to tap into a memory of us or something. Pretty messed up stuff..

Sometimes I wish I could rant stuff like this to people instead of blogging it out yknow? But then I think again and I realize that even if I did, it probably wouldn't help that much either and somewhere deep down I'd probably expect them to comfort me to a certain extent instead. That'd be too selfish really.

Tomorrow is the start of my first duty for my final 4ntm! I guess this means that i'm another step closer to ord? Finally my ns story is ending. This phase of life has really brought me too much grief really. Sigh I sound like some pampered boy but whatever k. Can't wait for my dental checkup at Kranji Camp on Wednesday too! I know, my life is so friggin boring that i'm looking forward to a dental checkup. :(

On the plus side, I'm slowly but steadily becoming a "stronger" person each day and that motivation is only growing as time passes, I pray that doesn't die down though. Yeah I know growing stronger is a really vague term, what I'm trying to say is that i'm constantly thirsting for knowledge nowadays yknow? Ah screw it why am I explaining myself on my blog :/

Seriously though I needa get my drivers license fast.

Oh yeah and Yiling is having a baby boy! Time really flies man..

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Deadman's Cross

So like a month back or so I was introduced by Matthew to play this game called deadman's cross yknow? It's developed by "Square Enix" idk if you've heard of it but it's a pretty famous game - development company. So anyway the game takes place in one of those post-apocalyptic world where zombies have overrun the human kind and stuff. Pretty interesting but the game play does get a little stale after awhile. Below are some screen shots I took of the game. Yeah, you actually get to capture some of these monsters after and pit them against your foes'. Sounds sorta like pokemon huh.


So anyway, life's been alright I guess? Only 18 and a half week till my service ends and I am really really looking forward to finally getting on with my life. It's time to nab that car license! Anws I shall end this post with a selfie of my good friend Vivienne cos she's been sending too many of those over and I normally delete photos after I post them online or sth since they'll be "archived". Yeah I'm weird like that. Whatever k?

If viv ever finds out that I uploaded this online I am so dead. #yolo

Friday, July 18, 2014

Some people are fucked up. If hell really exists. I wish that all of you would rot there forever even when you've repented.

It's okay to be stupid and oblivious to others' feelings. But im not that tolerant. When the chance comes for me to fuck you over. You can be sure as hell I won't show you any mercy.

Can't wait to ORD and get my life back again and hopefully continue tutoring my fat kid just like the old days sigh.. Wonder what 2015 has in store for me..

Thursday, July 10, 2014

A letter to a 12 year old ADP

So I have been rereading my old blog posts and writing comments on them like they're "letters from the future". But what would I truly tell my younger self if I could write a letter to myself ten years back?

----------

Dear Dun Ping,

You might not know me but I certainly do know you despite forgetting what you kinda were like. :/ Yes, I am you from the future.

I'm guessing you're a little nervous about your PSLE now are you not? Nah you probably aren't. I know you aren't the kind to heed advices because you're a playful little punk but if you really wanna take your own advice from someone who is essentially you, stop playing so much Neopets and treat your niece and nephews better! Show them some love! Ten years from now despite still seeing them from time to time you guys will be almost nothing but "Hi-bye family members". So treasure your time with them while you can and stop being mean okay? Although I know you've been really filial never forget to tell dad and mum you love them whenever you can okay? Dad's been having a little pain in the back lately but that's no cause of concern for you. If possible please get a higher result than you can for your PSLE, oh and Sean isn't really your friend.

Dun, secondary school is not going to be a breeze for you. It is scary to move into an almost foreign enviroment and I guarantee that you'll face challenges along the way and it kinda sucks. But I know for a fact that these challenges will help shape you into a mature young lad as time passes. You'll learn to treasure the friends around you more and you'll learn to eventually fend for yourself. There are going to be friends you make that you'll never even expect! All in all your adventure in secondary school won't be smooth-sailing at all but definately memorable! All the best lad! By the way it's perfectly natural to start growing hair on certain parts and that's normal! You're still far from becoming a man though! Even I am still working on that 10 years from now.

Little Dun, when the time comes for people to permanently leave your life don't take it too hard. After all only god has power over life and death. What you can however control is what kind of person you want to become through this short period of time on earth. Be strong and be there for people who need you. Be the strength that your community needs when you are called upon, but remember, don't you ever ever dare to get cocky when you've managed to gain respect from the people around you. Cos if you do imma come back in time just to smack that little face of yours :)

The next ten years of your life is gonna be pretty awesome in a funny way! You'll face obstacles you've never faced, make friends you'll never expect to make, feel happiness you've never imagined possible, and tragically you'll feel really sorrowful at times too. You'll learn to love, learn the meaning of regret, learn to cherish the things around you be it big or small, learn to hold your tongue when it's inappropriate, learn to decipher a person's intentions in the quickest way possible, learn how to deal with different foes and situations, learn what it's like to have an obsession and learn how that could harm you if you lose yourself. You'll immerse yourself in lots and lots of fun at a point of time only to look back one day and find out that the best times are behind you and it's time to become an adult and apply yourself.

Sigh, this letter is turning a little eh? Well don't be afraid! Most of the time it's really really fun! And time you've enjoyed wasting is not time wasted after all no? :) So no regrets on that because you've definately enjoyed yourself more than 80% of the students in your polytechnic! And yes you'll be going to a polytechnic unless you buck up now and end up in a JC :)

But at the end of the day, do remember this. You are your own man. Be strong Dun Ping, always smile and stay away from cigarettes if you can alright? I love you. So learn to love yourself as well.

-ADP from the future

Yes this is what you'll sorta look like 10 years from now don't worry you look better than what you see in this picture alright? Being photogenic just isn't one of your traits so deal with it :/ Geez my hair sucks..

Thursday, July 3, 2014

I am a mercurial man

I've decided to go for the 180 degree change thing ba since staying the way I am is only going to make me worse. This has to stop.

I don't need to depend on anyone. I am the captain of my own ship. If i kept it up it wouldn't be good anyway. Time to be cool.

Went to celebrate Val the pal's birthday recently. Quite happy that we still stay in touch despite not meeting that often. 

Monday, June 30, 2014

Lines so fine it's almost blurry


My bunk smells so weird now after they've apparently repainted the place last week while I way away.. It feels kinda unfamiliar now, doesn't matter though.

In another 23 weeks I'll be an actual civilian again, time to get my life back on tracks instead of just constantly reading and watching shows. Can't wait!

Oh crikey I forgot to bring toilet paper into camp -.-

I still remember the day I enlisted like it was yesterday. Spent the entire day before without sleep because Anaqi advised me to make myself as lethargic as possible as it would be hard to sleep in on the first day on enlistment. Left home at an ungodly hour to pasir ris with Phoebe and Mum. It was on a Valentines day, and the only present I could give to my girlfriend at that point of time was my absence for the next 17 days. Pretty sad but kinda excited at the same time as my (ex)girlfriend and I had just watched "Ah Boys To Men" and I was pretty stoked to see what army had in store for me. A million questions ran through my head, what coy would i be in? Would I be able to make friends in a batch who consists of predominantly JC graduates who are two years younger than me? Do they smoke? How badly would my friends and family miss me and vice versa. It was really dreadful yet exciting at the same time. But probably more dread than excitement now that I think about it. Upon stepping foot onto tekong I was swiftly separated from my parents and friends as they were brought into this amphitheatre where parents are given the talk on what recruits will undergo during their stay in Tekong, i still remember myself lugging this luggage with really noisy wheels and everyone was looking at me and my big tummy. Ah. Memories indeed.

Maybe I'll talk more about my enlistment story the next time, my fingers are getting a little tired and my bed smells really funny it's kinda distracting.

23 more weeks. I can't wait.

I worry more than I should when it comes to you. This is bad. Am I allowed to do that?

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Foolish fool

Oh Dominic treasure your childhood while you still can. The road ahead is long and arduous!


Because I bother to bother and because I'm just that useless, i gave myself insomnia once again when I was sleepy as fuck on the last bus home.

Way to go la DP. Smart boy boy. What now? Go for a 180 change in attitude or remain the stupid way you are now?

Where do i begin on the journey to find the old me back hmm..

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I guess its sometimes good t have a online journal like this yknow? Like if your close friends ask like "Hey, how's your day?" you can go like "Ah just go read my blog i'll link you the post later." and you can save yourself probably like 10 mins of ranting?

Lets hope Good Mythical Morning can put me to sleep!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

When rust collects at the underside of a car

Watching breaking bad now. Kinda jealous that Walter's wife is so caring yet really annoying at the same time.

What does it mean to live and not just survive? I guess that probably means living each day to the fullest as happy as you can with the things and people that you care about? That sounds about right no? Being able to experience happiness each and every day.

Sigh.. But wouldn't it be selfish if the person you care about doesn't have the time for you and yet you still really want to spend time with them? I mean everyone needs their own "me" time from time to time but im just kinda afraid that this "me" time would last forever yknow? What if I'm just not interesting enough to go back to? I'm sorta boring and whiny and all too anyway.. Like i guess it kinda sucks to want to "live" when you're not strong enough yourself.

Isn't it stupid how we shut the people who care about us just so we can try to get the attention of those who don't give us enough? It's really fucking sad really but is that human nature? Or am I just too young and dumb to appreciate things I already have. Am I allowed to appreciate things that I already have while striving for more? Then again, there's also the chance of the person being "bored out" after you start reciprocating I guess? Humans are such fickle creatures at times I swear.

I am really really afraid one day I might just bore you out. Or in another words, becoming obsolete in your life. I mean who's stupid enough to keep something that's useless to them and they don't care for in their lives right? Who has time for that kinda charity? Well, when that happens it'll really be a huge pity I guess.

In my opinion, humans are constantly selfishly seeking for more yknow? How is someone like me who is always so easily contented going to even connect with a fellow human being and "stay stagnant together"? Is it really so wrong to not yearn for more? (Disclaimer: I'm not an Anthropologist i'm just stating my POV which is probably wrong sigh..)

Recently I've been thanking people for the smallest things they do because I'm trying to become a better person and blah blah, but somehow sometimes it seems that showing appreciation is almost tantamount to showing your weakness at times. It's like they start thinking I need them in their lives yknow? Should I be more of a jerk then? Just a passing thought.

Man I'm just a new guy, what's the best course of action for a guy like me cmon.

Gotta cut down on smoking though, Walter's cancer is scaring the shit outta me :(

Walter is pretty darn cool though I doubt I'd ever be cut out for a life of crime now that I think about it.

Cmon man its getting harder and harder to picture what would luffy do nowadays. I heard that Oda is recently ill too.. Please get well soon!!

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Everyday

My bunk mate Jordan asked me this today. "Hey Dun, do you still think of her even till today?" "Everyday." I told him.

I'm sure I don't miss or love you anymore, but it's just really odd that you'll pop up at the back of my head for a few minutes every single day. I guess thats what happens when something beautiful happens in your life eh? The treasured memories will be firmly ingrained in your subconsciousness, whether you like it or not. It isn't such a bad thing though I guess?  Funny how I'll still get really perturbed whenever mel talks about you hmm.. Maybe I really am schizophrenic? Or maybe it's cos through him I can see every bad impression you've ever had about me embodied into his behaviour towards me. My friend that I've known for 10 years. Not cool.

Well, hope you're having a good life P! We've both grown a lot from this and i'm really grateful to god for letting us cross paths!

Going to mahjong in 7 hours time! Let's go!

On an entirely unrelated note, sometimes I really want to face palm myself -_-  I really hate my fat thumbs at times I swear.


Monday, June 16, 2014

I know I've changed a lot since 2012. But are these good changes?

I feel like I've became more of a coward than before. Fuck.

I need to get stronger in the shortest time possible. Fuck this shit. I need to really gain at least my confidence to speak the fuck up.

It's so fucking frustrating to see your friends in distress yet you don't really know what you can say or do to comfort them. Not that I'd rather they not confide their shit to me though but I just wish I could be more useful to them..

What does "being there for a friend" truly mean? Should you be there even if you're useless to their situation? I don't get it..

Its only 180 days more but why do I feel as if this week's gonna be long as fuck? 

Sunday, June 15, 2014

A Saturday Post

Whoaa it's been ages since I've blogged on a saturday night, I guess its cos normally when I'm home i'd just hit the sack almost immediately after bathing and fiddling with my phone a little :/

Finally met up with Sean today. Realized that there are still many things lacking that truly makes me a man. Sigh.. I wonder if I'll still be as "childish" 5 years from now.. I miss you you fat bastard!

He told me that in life you only need 6 friends in life in which you can depend on and the world would be your oyster. It's not easy though..

I guess what really matters now is that I never should never stop improving myself in whatever ways I can, so that I can actually be useful to the people around me when the need arises.

I guess all my life I've just been seeking acceptance from people around me. It might sound really easy but the worst part is I am truly nothing special. I do not have many accomplishments nor do I have a really tragic story to tell others. What truly makes me unique? Sigh..

Vivienne recently introduced me to this abs exercise routine thing though! Sounds really fun, hope I can find a secluded place in camp where I can "suffer" on my own without anyone noticing me.

Its so hard to pen your thoughts down when its been kinda hectic mentally for this past few days.

I wonder if will still be as close as we are now when you start to notice more of my flaws and realize that I am no longer useful to you.

I hate living with regrets, but I must learn to control my impulses otherwise I'd probably just fuck things up again. Truth is im just really confused right now..

If only I could read minds huh.. :/ It's scary to tell people what you're thinking when you get older cos it makes you really really vulnerable. And I guess its just harder for a human to trust another when you've been through hell and back.

Pfft bullshit, what kinda hell have I really been through? :/ Its all in the head Dun Dun, get over yourself.

Oh turns out I didn't fall that deep! False alarm people! Woops!

"I've been to hell and back, and back to hell, and back, and now back again.." - Lion, Dota 2

Never really played with hot wheels when I was younger but I have always been a fan of DB though! :)

Friday, June 6, 2014

I think I'm really easily contented

I like it when we are talking happily again, well as least sometimes I do feel happy uh!

Today's the day I finally book out! Well not actually finally la I've only been in camp since Wednesday but still it's good to book out!!

Been really over smoking lately, time to cut down man I've smoked 3 and a half packs since Tuesday night till now..

Shall end this post with several pictures of Anaqi and Melvin that Liangyi helped me took back on the bus home a long time ago!






Wednesday, June 4, 2014

I'm in trouble

Shit. I think i've indeed fallen kinda deep.. I've told myself not to and I've tried to keep my distance but in the end I still fell too deep.

Maybe it's the fact that I saw myself as some kinda knight in shining armour after hearing about your stuff you know? I guess that's kinda chauvinistic of me.. Stupid stupid emotions.. I really dk how to go back to where I once was. Opening up your heart to someone is really scary stuff. Hope is a scary thing my friend..

I really really hate undercurrents. The fact that I know I kinda made a wrong move would set me back many many steps. Sigh.. and I've nvr even gotten the chance to properly have a good proper talk with you. This sucks.

Really hope things works out well one way or another uh. The harder I push the worse it will probably get. Time to put some patience to the test.

I am really really fond of you.

Update on 28/6/14: Nevermind false alarm! Actually its been a false alarm for a few weeks now but now that I read this back I realize what a fool I have been haha! >.< You cant just like any random girl you think that's borderline pretty and laughs at your jokes ADP! Don't be silly!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Worthiness

I think I like you.
When I'm with you i'm happy and scared at the same time.
Cautious, yet really careless.
Concerned, but really silent.
Patient and impatient concurrently.
Excited but calm (unwillingly).
Where do I stand? What must I do to get what I want? Would it be selfish if I told you what I was feeling when I'm unsure of so many factors? So much internal conflicts..

It doesn't make sense for me to feel the way I'm feeling now because the facts are laid out for all to see, yet there's this part of me that wishes that everything would go my way, how selfish. Is this what they call hope? Is being hopeful just another kind of selfishness?

I want to protect you. At least i'm sure of that. But am I even capable of doing that when I have a knack for destroying things when they get too close to me?

Hainan was fun, I miss Hainan. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Memories of Ice Cream

I find myself becoming less eloquent compared to how I was before hmmm.. Like when I meet new people now I don't really see the need to make small talk and when I attempt to force topics out its just weird you know? Am I weird? :( Maybe I really am turning into an introvert..

Then again when I take a look at some of the people in camp I realize I can actually do alot worse, so I got that going for me I guess? About to go on my second guard duty shift in 10 mins time now. Worst part is Wei Ji doesn't seem to have money this month to help me purchase ciggs from outside camp. I'm a goner man I swear..

Recently watched a pretty decent fighting movie called "The Warrior" starring the same guy who played Bane in The Dark Knight Returns, not bad! Not just your everyday fighting movie where the storyline's so predictable n stuff.

That's him, the protagonist. I've ever actually played with a real slot machine before though hope I get to try it one day!
At the climax of this film the guy was pitted against his own brother in the finals, somehow seeing family fight like that i'm grateful that I had a loving, kind family you know? One of the few things that money can't buy :)

I remember once when I was a child my father got me an ice cream from a nearby parlour while we were in Bedok, i loved ice cream back then, it was probably vanilla or strawberry on a cone I think? Too bad that parlour is closed now. Anyway that day after my dad got me my ice cream, we were about to walk to the bus stop to go home. Just before I was about to take my first lick of this ice-cold treat, some guy (can't remember if he was a teen or not) bumped into my ice-cream holding hand causing it to go splat on the ground. I still remember that surge of anger and disappointment I felt back then, however, being a child I was not able to convey it nor control it and I burst into tears. How badly I wanted to go demand another ice cream from the giant that just robbed me of my treat but I was too afraid to. Sigh, if only I was braver like the power rangers I looked up too back then. It was probably an accident though but still geez..

Can't remember if my dad got me a new ice cream or not but im sure he remembers that fateful day as well! Heard him mentioning about it recently, shall ask him soon when I book out!

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

2 and a half men

Oh Charlie you humorous bastard.
So recently I've been pretty occupied in camp(not by choice), and I guess it isn't such a bad thing after all? In fact, like Sean said, I guess I'm becoming more comfortable with being alone. At least I get to catch up with all the good shows I've been missing out. Booking in nowadays has kinda became something I'm looking forward to because I get to catch up with me 2 and a half men and also some other great shows as well. Mostly old works of Christopher Nolan though, man that guy's a genius I tell ya!
Good lord is that Ken Jeong or whatshisname?
So anyway life's been picking up i guess? Feel kinda helpless about other's plight at times though. While I am available to lend them a listening ear, i cannot think of any possible solution that could ameliorate their situation. Sigh if only I was stronger...

Been reading my old posts lately and leaving "notes from the future" in them to my past self, it's a privilege for people like me with too much time on their hands I guess? I'm glad that I still haven't really changed much mentality-wise from then till now. Like i kinda stayed true to myself even till now yknow? It's interesting though to read back at posts 6 years ago looking at your past fears/concerns and realizing that none of them matters at your current point in life and how minute they seemed to when you compare the timeframe. Priorities do change huh! I wish I can look into the future at times though just to see what's in stall for me.
Preach dat shit Mr.rubrik cube!


Thursday, April 24, 2014

I am sorry (An old draft I found hidden in this blog back in like 2008 september?)

I am sorry.

I am sorry for not studying my 2.5 hours total today. I only studied for 1 hour.
I am sorry for not reading the bible today.
I am sorry for being such an asshole in life.
I am sorry for indulging in all those fun and forgetting to study even though you asked me to.
I am sorry I made you cry.
I am sorry I do not understand how you're feeling from time to time.
I am sorry.
I really am.
I am sorry for letting you love me so much.
I am sorry for telling you I love you.
I am sorry for not being there for you all the time.
I am sorry for not messaging you sometimes.
I am sorry for not being able to abide by my vulgarity control.
I am sorry for not understanding your intentions from time to time.
I am sorry for disiaoing you from time to time and say things I really dont mean.
I am sorry for all those pain I caused you.
I am sorry for expressing out my thoughts to you.
I am sorry for not being able to control my passion.

I really am sorry. I really really am. I really really do love you so. I am not perfect. Yet you accept me for who I am. I am a big jerk. Yet you still love me for who I am. I make you cry. Yet you call me to tell me it is all alright. You are sad yet you put up a front just for me so I wont feel as sad. I am sorry... I really really am..

I am a troublemaker. I cause trouble everywhere I go. Yet you are willing to still bear with me and love me so. I really want to share all your troubles and solve them one by one. If I one day find out that I myself am the trouble. I will definately leave your life. No matter how much it pains me to. I will definately leave I one day become a burden for you. I am not the best looking person around and you still chose me.

Stop thinking you're in the wrong. You're NEVER in the wrong! I am a big jerk and all but really. I have never ever lied to you. Everything I have said was true. I really do love you so. I know your exams are here. And being right there for you will become a distraction. I shall leave till you call me back. I will miss you. But stop asking me to go find other girls just cos you have your limitations. You are my wifey for a reason. I love you. I dont care how chio or whatever how other girls look like. They might look better than you. They might be richer than you. Some might be nicer and kinder than you. But listen. I chose you for a reason. You give me warmth no one else could have. You affect my mood in a way no one else could have. Please. Stay in my life. One week of waiting is nothing.

Love does not require two to look at each other. But rather for two to look in the same direction. I love you. I will wait. I will endure. I will supress my desires. I will prove to others that I am worthy of you. Worthy of your tears.

It is now the year 2014, April 24th. This blog post was never published till now because at that time people were snooping around a lot on my blog and my relationship with Sofia was to be kept a secret back then due to her semi-psychotic parents. I think I kept it as a draft as sort of a letter to her as she had the password to my blogger back then? I did leave her in the end though. Because I guess back then I just wanted to "explore"  a little more and she just wasn't enough. She was a great girlfriend. And now she's probably graduating from her university and having a good relationship with her current boyfriend. So I guess things did turn for the better! Being stuck with someone that has lost their feelings for you is a painful thing, kinda like an emotional parasite. I'm glad I backed off back then even though it was really selfish. To whoever that might ever come across this in the future, do know that while two people can be crazily in love at a point of time, things just don't always turn out the way positively for this instance I'm the piece of shit that got bored of the relationship and threw away a really great girl! But that's for the better cos even till now as I am reading this, I cannot feel any form of passion for her, I do remember what it was like back then though! My state of mind, my priorities, my behavior and everything else. I was a good kid. I just got bored. But damn! I wonder where I got the last like about "love is about looking in the same direction" thing! That was smooth son!


~237

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Turbo

In less than 24 hours time I'll be home chilling on my own bed wahaha!! Just finished watching the movie about a snail who has always been passionate about racing since young and somehow through a turn of events managed to get some nitro in his genes and turns super fast and stuff. Pretty good show man I love cartoons! They've even got Ken Jeong to voice an old lady and Samuel L Jackson and Snoop Dog to voice two of the snails!!
The protagonist Turbo, voiced by Ryan Reynolds
So there was this one part in the movie where Turbo's brother asks him what would he do if he lost his power tomorrow,  and he merely replied "Then I'll just have to make the most of today."

Turbo's friend/manager looks kinda like a grown up Mexican version of Russell from "Up" eh?
This is what I love about cartoons, at the end of every film there's always a positive moral you know? Like it kinda reminds us of the values that we should have to better ourselves. Who said cartoons are for kids eh!

Meeting Melvin and Carlotta for some beer tomorrow, can't wait! Hope I'll get to book out earlier than 6pm!! :D


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Droning on and on about stuff 😒

Just finished watching Office Space, a really old show featuring Jennifer Aniston and a few other stars that I don't really know about, pretty funny! The humor I experienced watching this is a little different to the comedy we watch today. This show kinda feels me with the fear that my life could turn out like that in the future though, just another corporate lapdog stuck in a office day in day out.. Why can't I just be a pokemon master or something?

This was taken from "Pokemon Ranger and the Temple of the Sea" or something, pretty cute movie!!

So yeah, as you grow older you realize thst being "The very best like no one ever was" is easier said than done. I guess whatever you think you're good at doing, there probably will be thousands out there who are just as good and even more who could do better than you. But as I have always said, the key to happiness is to be contented with yourself. Does that make sense? Too bad not everyone sees it the same way as I age and I find myself becoming more and more reclusive due to a difference in opinion. Heck, im kinda sure "she" left me cos of that reason in a sense too? Like I don't have ambition or something?

Sigh this is a depressing topic, time to go watch another movie and gain some "knowledge". Oh! And I might be enlisting into RMIT soon along with Liang Yi!! Let's see how things turn out cos I'm still not sure if I should go in Jan or July hmm..

I'm hungry.. But I shall hang in there!!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

He who runs the fastest, runs alone

I remember hearing this quote from a certain kids central cartoon about this main character owing a doll thar can shoot lightning, can't remember what it was but the quote has been stuck in my head even till today. Probably because it makes so much sense hmm..

I recently attempted to converse with a girl who was like waaaayyyy outta my league and it got me thinking, whoa I'm really really weak in so many aspects! While today's post isn't really about her I find myself feeling like some sorta manchild who has no clue on adulthood or what's going on around the world. It's harsh but true though. I guess I've really been spoon-fed lotsa stuff since young which is probably why I have the luxury to choose what I wanna learn/do most of the time and I guess I didn't exactly make the best choices? Gosh what general knowledge do I actually know?

Since young I've never been interested in watching the news, I've always felt that the news is just other people's businesses and I have no interest in theirs as much as they probably don't have any interest in mine. (Hey I was probably five then) I would much rather spend my time watching some pokemon cartoons or play with lego than to sit in from of the TV at 630pm to watch the news on channel 8 with my parents cos I found the news absurdly boring. I guess till today I still share these sentiments despite knowing all the perks of keeping up with the current affairs around the world. I just don't find it worthy enough to relinquish my time on it still. I guess that's kinda a bad habit huh? But ohwell # yolo.

I guess for me to actually commit to something, I have to at least have a slight interest in it first (duh). Like how nowadays I'm more into exercising than before because of my friends around me. I even managed to run 8km today around th camp woo!! Quite proud of myself really I've never done something like this in my life before! If I wanted to i'm sure I could be gone for another two clicks before I enfeeble myself hmm.. So there's that.

I guess friends do play a big part in my life huh? Like my actions would somehow be dictated by theirs. Funny how I don't see much of that from my parents, maybe it's cos they love me too much so much so that I don't see a need to partake in what they're interested in? Everything they have interest in just isn't as "cool". I'm so ashamed I think like this 😭 time to put in more effort/attention on them!! 😎

Anws I watched "Enders game" today and I must say, it's pretty good! Beyond whay I expected really!

Obviously this isn't a significant scene but whatever k get off my back geez..

Imma be booking out at 1030am tomorrow for my skin center's appointment!! Time to find out if there's actually anything wrong! Kinda looking forward to it! (it's weird I know, my skin looks like there's not problems right?)

Ah crap look at the time I gotta be falling in for breakfast in about two hours and twenty minutes time. Hope the sandman finds me soon!

The best part about blogging here is that there's no such thing as writing out of topic. 👍

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

I love my own bed cos it's the only place I can comfortably fall asleep in :(

Or maybe it's just that gedong has a really "shitty" atmosphere to sleep in the night? Sigh I've been here for almost a year now and yet i'm still constantly having insomnia and the only way I can ever fall asleep is when I'm seriously exhausted or something. This place sucks man, sleep is one of the best things in life that's for free and yet i'm constantly deprived of here. Thank god for the multiple shows I've downloaded in advance before I booked in.

Apart from being deprived of sleep, this week wasn't so bad i guess? Finally finished watching all the 6 star wars movie, the croods, and percy Jackson! And it's only Wednesday morning now haha gotta fall in for breakfast in about an hour and 10 mins. Sighh.. Really really thankful for my note 4 though, such a big improvement compared to my iPhone 4. Without it I'd probably be just scrolling 9gag all day long and rummaging through mangareader for something nice to read, at least I have the choice to watch shows now wahaha so shiok so shiok!

Oh and how I met your mother finally ended, it kinda felt like a part of me has gone away and will never be back. But I guess that's life eh? All good things come to an end. Shall not talk much about its last episode though I got to say it was really kinda rushed. Didn't get the chance to feel for the characters before they skipped ahead to the next scene. Perhaps that was intentional? Or maybe I'm just kinda cold blooded hmm.. Been catching The Big Bang Theory recently it's pretty good though wonder why some people hate on it so much?

Sometimes the bromance between Raj and Howard kinda reminds me of how Nicol and I were when we were younger hahaha!!

Penny looks really unglam here but she's kinda cute actually! 


It's been long since I've watched a show that made me feel something though, the last show that ever succeeded was probably wreck-it-ralph? Before that was CJ7 I think? Yeah that Chinese movie about this green alien pet thingy that has special powers n stuff. Last time I actually teared was probably while I was watching one piece though? Good show good show. Really love almost every character in that manga/anime. Oda is a freaking genius I tell ya! I remember how I felt so inspired to be more like luffy back when I was 14 and still watching one piece on kids central yknow? Happy, loyal, naive and always sticking to his principles yet somehow he almost always manages to get through all his trials and tribulations in one way or another! Luffy is awesome! If everyone was more like him I'm sure the world would be a much better place!

Oh and I can't wait to attend Dun Jiu's wedding which is like one day after my ord!!! 8 months plus more to go we can do this!! For now I guess imma try to improve myself in any aspect I can to prep myself for the real world! Though there are many limitations but I'll do my best!! Let's start with watching more shows n trying to learn something out of them!! I'm sure many might disagree but I believe that anything can be a learning journey as long as you pay attention and keep an open heart?

Yeah my blog's ultra wordy huh.. Bah who cares no ever comes here other than myself anyway! Maybe one day when I have kids I can send them this link in my will! Then they'll be able to find out what's going on in their dad's mind back in those days hmm?

My vocabulary's seriously limited sigh..

Saturday, March 29, 2014

lack of confidence

I just realized im becoming an awkward person just like how I used to be in secondary school after getting bullied for two years back then. Starting to stutter more and more.. Worst part is I don't even know what I can do to gain it back again.


Thursday, March 20, 2014

Sell me this pen

Been In love with "Say Something", "依然爱你" and "天后"。Funny thing is they're all kinda about heartbreak and not wanting to let go of the person they love or some sort like that. But I doubt i'm like that ba? Maybe the only thing I feel is 遗憾 as things could be much better eh, sigh screw it. The lyrics are reslly nice though! Maybe I like them cos I've felt the way those songs are supposed to made me feel once?

4ntm duty is upon 42 SAR Kaffir and everyone's got ants in their pants. Sigh this is just gonna be a reenactment of the previous one where everyone just tries t scheme n back stab each other to avoid getting weekend duties. Disgusting disgusting. Hope I won't be forced to make a choice as well if not I really will be torn between wasting a weekend or biting someone in the bum bum. Really sick of playing politics in this stupid place. Leave me alone and let me watch my shows!

Just finished watching the wolf of wall street, scary how money really corrupts people. Are humans truly evil? Or am I just being close minded and self-delusional? Well even if I was I would rather stay a fool than to become an immoral bastard cos that's not the way I was raised. Have fun rolling in your money I guess? 我不想赚这种钱。it's an intriguing show nonetheless though.


Now its time for some arrested development!


Welp! That's all for today's post! 

There's love in this world. I know it.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Finally a normal blog post that isn't so depressing

Fell asleep early today like around 11pm yet i'm awake now again. Must be the cold huh. Kinda making me miss the hot weather I had when I was having my two weeks block leave.. Welp i'm back here! Nth I can do about it but to hang in there for another 38 weeks! Doesn't feel that long when you see it like that huh! In less than 10 hours time I'll be leaving camp for my physiotherapy once more. Hope this isn't the last time or anything ba cos physios while not being just generally helpful for my hand, also helps me escape from this dusty, dirty place for a while. Really grateful for it its what keeps my sanity intact when I'm in camp sometimes. Call me weak but I really really dislike being held against my will in a place for a year and ten months. At least there's only 8 months plus plus to go. 😆I really want to improve on my English man..

Gotta do 4ntm guard duty this Sunday,  which means that while I get to book out this Friday,  I'll have to book back in on Saturday night again. Sigh, hope this will be the last weekend duty i'll be doing in the next three weeks. 😞

Fiona's birthday is coming up!! Please don't gimme guard duty on 5th or 6th April pls encik!!

To the people I've hurt/offended late last year: I do not expect you all to forgive me, but I sincerely wish you all the best in your future endeavours. I was in a really unstable mood/condition at the period of time and I handled myself poorly and shamefully. That kind of behavior was unacceptable and I hope that nothing of that sort would ever happen again for the rest of my life 😧

On a totally unrelated note, I really wanna talk to you on the phone eh, like try to right my "wrongs" and all, but we aren't even close and i'm not a fan of being ignored, you could say that I'm kinda fond of you but still nah. It's apparent that I am not someone important anyway. I guess I tried too hard (and too little at the wrong time) already uh. Lesson learnt ohwell! Wasted. But maybe not since perhaps we didn't waste each others time after all! You'll never know who you are uh but yeah, I got too impatient and made a string of wrong moves uh. Got what I deserved.

Really really not looking forward to doing guard duty on Sunday mannnnn.. Nvm take it as compensating for my "bad army karma"!

Becoming really careless recently. Hate it.

Oh yeah my camp had a blackout just the other day only! Pretty cool shit but lasted for like 2 hours then everything went back to normal again!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Complications simplified

Had a long talk with Melvin the other night, super interesting yet really depressing at the same time hmm..

Always have hope, always remember your purpose here and never lose track of it. Cos if you do, who would you be really?

Done too many things I've been ashamed of for this past 6 months since my break up. This must stop. I gotta find back that brave, happy-go-lucky, confident Dun Ping that I used to know. What's done is done, its never too late to make changes.

There's no better time than now, or after I wake up since its already 4:33am >.<

You can do it ADP! You can become a better person if you set your heart and mind to it! Just believe! And smile more often because like you have always said in the past, a happy person is a beautiful person! :D

Damn i'm good.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Empty

I wouldnt say intelligence or knowledge comes with age, but strangely nowadays it appears that when I look back,(I dont even need to look that far back actually :/) I have indeed changed alot. This time it isnt just my state of mind that has changed, but my behavior as a whole. Perhaps my character too. And I'm not sure if im very satisfied with who I am now hmm.. That happy-go-lucky Dun is kinda no more I think?

I wonder what happened? Could it be that the breakup really did such a substantial damage that I can't really crawl back up? Did I like "gave it my all" so much so that I sacrificed a part of me that I didnt thought I could forsake? (My habits and the like), or could it be that my disdain for army really fucked me up that badly that I cant seem to see people as kind, giving, good people anymore until I've put them through trials and trials and trials till I'm satisfied? I refuse to believe that humans are bad, but it seems that as I grow older, I realize that indeed, life isnt a bed of roses (i wouldnt want a bed made out of that anyway) and those naive thoughts that I thought would work would never work once you try to look a little deeper and realize that you can't always simplify things.Some stuff just aren't meant to be oversimplified to the point where you just have to state your intentions and go in with your all. Are humans selfish? I guess for now I'd have to agree with that. Sad that it may be this was not the way I was brought up and I never wanted to believe it. But its getting clearer and clearer as the days go by. Maybe it's just the kind of people i'm exposed to, or maybe I've just been expecting too much from the start with how the world is supposed to be/work.

Its funny how when you're younger you think you know how the world is like. Well, theres this phrase called 百闻不如一见 in chinese uh, which roughly translate to "Hearing about it for a hundred times is nothing compared to seeing/experiencing it yourself". I guess thats true uh, with all those half-baked theories we've had in our lives as teenagers, we really thought we've got it all down. Bullshit.

Anyway on a lighter note I just managed to find our Arysad's number once more through facebook, haven't met everyone in like fucking ages, two years I suppose? Really miss those days where I would just sit around with the brothers 5(I'm only like close with 4 but whos counting.) and talk through the night, sharing ideas and lame jokes and not giving three hoots about anything else in life except for the company. Never really took a picture with them though sadly. But now that I've gotten their numbers perhaps its time to hang out with some old timers for awhile!

Sometimes I really wish I can consult my younger self for advice, as I grow older I seem to get more and more scared of everything. Call me a pussy but yeah. Really, courage is really dimishing from me as the hours pass. Maybe its because of all the failures I've been through up till today that I finally realized that I should stop lying to myself as I'm not really as awesome as I thought I am. 

Funny how they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger huh? Or those other lines about how failure will only make you stronger and stuffs. Doesnt really apply to me eh, the more I see and know the weaker I get. This is fucking ridiculous. Only thing I can do now is to excercise more, read up more textbooks, and prepare myself for the next hurdle ahead.

Is knowing when to back down a glorified version of giving up? Is there a difference? Someone enlighten me.

Jesus my father I am so sorry I've strayed so far apart from your love, but in my everyday life I am seeing less and less of you. People around me tell me that you're just something imagined, something illogicaland people with faith are just self-deceiving morons. And sometimes I think that I can feel you yet I am never really sure. What should I do? :( What's right and what's wrong? 

Oh gosh I'm seriously so glad not many people come here to read this bullshit. Jeez.

Anws I shall go friendster now and look at my really old photos wahaha!!

Just did that and realized my old account has been deleted. Hmm.. :/

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Early book out on Chinese New Years week woo!!

So bored that I'm actually making a blogpost with my phone. Was just told to change into CV, gonna book out anytime now wahaha!! I wonder what I'll do today hmm.. Maybe Rowena will still be at log one and we can meet for a small lepak session? If not maybe ill just cab home with Glen then make an appointment with my artist to see if he'll do a touch up on my leg? Or hopefully liangyi will be free today so we can go jogging! Can't seem to find ppl to mahjong with me today though.. But still I wanna book out!!

Oh yeah can't believe I actually saw Rowena in camp today! Pleasant surprise sia! But didn't manage to take a photo cos I was afraid of being judged by my camp mates lol! Wasted shitz. Let's pray that somehow Glen's dad will miraculously appear today to send us home ba!!

I wanna improve on my vocab, but how? I don't wanna read a dictionary there has to be a better way sigh..

Only 319 days to go, let's go!!